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Remaining Vigilant

Old 07-17-2020, 08:31 PM
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Remaining Vigilant

Wow, at 587 days and counting but tonight was a curve ball out of somewhere I didn't see coming. My wife is having a little bit of a hard time currently (work, life direction etc) and tonight a couple things just hit her all at once leading to a small breakdown, crying uncontrollably, hey even the healthiest of use get overwhelmed sometimes. As her husband I knew I could do nothing but try and be her rock in that moment but the amount of helplessness I felt was staggering. And with that momentary feeling came that ugly SOB my AV out of nowhere. I had thoughts that I haven't had in months about how easy it would be not to feel like this, and I know they are all lies. I found myself at the grocery store to pick up things for a nice dinner to improve the mood and paused at the entry to the liquor section...something I haven't done since my early days. I overcame and remain vigilant in what I am always learning is a life long battle. I felt like I couldn't express this to my wife right now with what she has going on but needed to express it somewhere without feeling guilty that this is where my mind turned to when I should have been 100% for her.
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Old 07-17-2020, 08:46 PM
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Hi vxper

right now most of us are dealing with levels of stress and fear unprecedented in our life time.

For me I'd wouldn't focus on the fact you felt a momentary urge so much as you didn't let it grow into action.

Thoughts are thoughts - it's what we do with them that counts

you did well.
all the best to you and your wife in these tough times

D
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Old 07-17-2020, 09:06 PM
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Congratulations on your 587 days clean. How thankful are you for that right now? I've had thoughts of using briefly along the way in stressful situations. It seems like a knee-jerk reaction. I would do exactly what you did, post about it, and work it out.
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Old 07-17-2020, 09:09 PM
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Thanks Dee, I felt immediately better even after I wrote it down...like I wasn't trying to hide from the thought but throw it out in to the light to shrivel and die. I'll keep on keeping on.
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Old 07-17-2020, 09:14 PM
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Thanks silent run, that's what it felt like, knee-jerk, good description. I'm incredibly thankful. Now that I've written it down I feel like I can analyze it and have already linked it to similar instances of feeling helpless before my detox that led me in to dark stretches. I can file this one in my reference manual of stuff my AV can't use against me.
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Old 07-17-2020, 11:24 PM
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I have 2 years and 3 months of sobriety and even now the thought of a drink can pop into my head. Not that strange really, I am an alcoholic after all. But as Dee said it is what I do with that thought. It is pretty easy for me to dismiss those type of thoughts now, it's when I let them sit there for too longI that I start giving them any power. So you did the right thing and you shared about it too. Amazing well done.

With regards to your wife, I have learnt in recovery how powerless I am over other people and what they are going through but because I am sober I can just be there for them and support them. Exactly what you are doing right now for your wife. How beautiful is that.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job to me

🙏♥️🙏♥️
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Old 07-17-2020, 11:49 PM
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Yes I still have moments at 20 months sober. It has been a coping mechanism for many years so its not just going to disappear. It is what it is and nothing we can do except acknowledge it and move past. Annoying I know.

Sometimes I find myself muttering to it some like "oh no not again or really, now"?

I am glad you posted and I hope your wife is feeling better.

Keep up the good work.
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Old 07-18-2020, 04:04 AM
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vxper : great choice so glad you made it.
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Old 07-18-2020, 04:22 AM
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I'm glad you shared this with us and not with your wife. She doesn't need to know this information, at least not while there's the slightest chance she might take it personally. Times of stress definitely lend themselves to that.

If you haven't read Lance Dodes' "The Heart of Addiction," I'd highly recommend that you check it out. What you described is 100% in alignment with his perspective on addiction.

Well done!

O
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Old 07-18-2020, 04:42 AM
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vxper - good to read that you didn't give in to your AV. And congratulations on 587 days of sobriety. That is an awesome amount of sober time. The longest I've managed is about 5 months and that was back in 1998.

I know it's not quite the same but my sister packed in smoking in 2009. She told me recently that she still has moments when she suddenly gets an urge to smoke but the good thing is that she just acknowledges the urge and lets it pass. She said it doesn't happen very often but she says she doesn't think the urges will ever stop completely. I would think the same applies to people who have long term sobriety. There are going to be moments when an urge hits, probably when something happens to either the person or to a loved one. I guess it's again about acknowledging the urge and letting it pass. The key is not to act on the urge. Urges can't kill you but drinking (or in my sister's case, smoking) can.
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Old 07-18-2020, 05:06 AM
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Originally Posted by vxper View Post
Wow, at 587 days and counting but tonight was a curve ball out of somewhere I didn't see coming. My wife is having a little bit of a hard time currently (work, life direction etc) and tonight a couple things just hit her all at once leading to a small breakdown, crying uncontrollably, hey even the healthiest of use get overwhelmed sometimes. As her husband I knew I could do nothing but try and be her rock in that moment but the amount of helplessness I felt was staggering. And with that momentary feeling came that ugly SOB my AV out of nowhere. I had thoughts that I haven't had in months about how easy it would be not to feel like this, and I know they are all lies. I found myself at the grocery store to pick up things for a nice dinner to improve the mood and paused at the entry to the liquor section...something I haven't done since my early days. I overcame and remain vigilant in what I am always learning is a life long battle. I felt like I couldn't express this to my wife right now with what she has going on but needed to express it somewhere without feeling guilty that this is where my mind turned to when I should have been 100% for her.
Talk about your AV taking advantage during a family crisis. Could it be anymore insensitive and uncaring? Usually, I just laugh at stories about the AV and how stupid and illogical it is, but this one isn't funny at all. If anything it is pure evil. I would use this event to remind me in the future at how little your AV cares about your own self interests... Or your family's.
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Old 07-18-2020, 07:22 AM
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I'm glad you stayed strong.

I also think that not telling your wife about your thoughts on drinking yesterday is the correct decision. It sounds like she has enough on her plate already.

And even if she didn't, you don't need to vocalize every thought that comes into your head. I think that's a bad idea. As an analogy, if my wife and I went to the beach and I vocalized something like "look at all the pretty women here" I would be walking home. Alone.
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Old 07-18-2020, 09:39 AM
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I'm glad you got through that and that you did a great job.

And, good for you for being there for your wife as she's dealing with upset in her life.
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Old 07-18-2020, 09:54 AM
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Great job on staying sober and all that sober time! It is a good reminder that we mush be ever vigilant.
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Old 07-18-2020, 10:07 AM
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Reading your post was a bit of a trigger.

I am sitting here with my doggy and wife, munching on a nice healthy carrot.

My life is plugging along as usual, but the AV whispers....just get drunk.

After my time clean, I know the crave will disappear in a moment and then reappear again later.

It is my curse for the rest of my life. But, I would rather have that burden then almost any other burden I can think of.

Some naggy little thought is nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Mine and my family's well being is the everything.

I think I am hungry and ready for a nap. Funny how that works.

Thanks.

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Old 07-18-2020, 10:25 AM
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Hi Vxper

Great post! This forum and posts like yours have 100% shown me (564 days) that any drinking again is a major no no. I just sort of assumed after a time out I’d be a moderate drinker. What a mistake that would’ve been.

You did doubly well too. You considered your wife’s feelings plus your own sobriety (which will also have helped your wife). Well done, and hope your wife feels better soon too.
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Old 07-18-2020, 11:08 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Hi vxper

right now most of us are dealing with levels of stress and fear unprecedented in our life time.

For me I'd wouldn't focus on the fact you felt a momentary urge so much as you didn't let it grow into action.

Thoughts are thoughts - it's what we do with them that counts

you did well.
all the best to you and your wife in these tough times

D


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Old 07-18-2020, 12:08 PM
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Thank you for posting. I have 6 months sober and the AV has been mostly silent... I think because I’m so active in thinking about not drinking all the time. But I have this feeling It’s going to strike when my guard is down... who knows when. I am ready. Thanks for showing me how’s it’s done.
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Old 07-18-2020, 02:46 PM
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I put this in the wrong thread by accident, never mind!
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