Hello everyone: new to the forum
 

Hi all.

I’m in very early recovery, and was googling around trying to find a substance abuse recovery forum, and I stumbled upon you guys. This seems like a kind, supportive place, so I figured I’d give it a try.

A little about me: I’ve struggled with heroin addiction for 10 years. In 2015, I finally got clean and accumulated 5 years of time off dope. However, during this time, I developed a pretty serious problem with Xanax. Funny how that happens, right?

So, fast forward to May of this year. The pandemic hit, the world got cancelled, and I got a stimulus check. I started having extremely vivid and graphic drug dreams involving dope. Even so, at this point I felt free from the temptation to use heroin, it definitely came into my thoughts from time to time, but it was no longer an option in my mind.

However...a very dear friend of mine who is also in recovery from heroin got his stimulus check around the same time I did. He came by to visit, I mentioned the intensity of the dreams I was having, he admitted he had been having a jones lately, and then he announced “**** it, let’s get a bag!” And started making phone calls. Although I felt terribly anxious and sick to my stomach, knowing full well what an awful choice this was to make, I didn’t protest. I sort of just allowed him to take control of the situation in a way that wasn’t really governed by conscious thought. I just let go of the wheel.

Needless to say, I went on a 2 month run, detoxed for a week, and then re-inducted myself onto subutex. I got about 8 days clean and relapsed again. Went out for another 10 days, and have been clean again for 4 days today. Still feeling a little sick, but not nearly as bad as the hell of my recent kick. I feel lucky that I didn’t lose everything I have (just accrued some debt naturally.) I didn’t get arrested, evicted, or OD. The main negative consequence of my stupid relapse is that I lit all those old neural pathways up, and now I crave heroin again. It feels like an option again. It’s really frightening, and I feel very vulnerable, and like I could lose my feeble hold on the stability I’ve tried to carve out in a second.

My need for extra support is what led me here. I have a therapist I work with regularly, and I’ve been attending virtual NA meetings pretty frequently. I do have a sponsor, but she’s very hands off and I haven’t spoken with her in weeks.

It would be nice to get some encouragement and feedback from people who understand what I’m going through, and I’d be happy to extend that support in return. Sorry for the long post. I hope you all are well.

-Eppi.

Welcome to SR, Eppi. Congrats on 4 days clean.

Alcohol was my drug of choice. I have never dabbled in the heavy drug world much, even though I consider alcohol one of the heaviest drugs a person can get hooked on. Hope you don't mind being surrounded by a ton of ex-drunks here. :) But addiction is addiction, right?

You'll find a ton of support on these boards. It's a special place with special people who have been through the war and are always willing to listen and offer sound advice. You should definitely check out the Class of July thread for all of us quitting this month (raises hand). We have a good group there and we support each other on a daily basis.

Welcome again!

Welcome!

I'm early on in a relapse too so can relate. I wish it hadn't happened, but it did. Best of luck to you.

Welcome eppi :)
I'm an alcoholic but I had many moments when I was led astray too. Finding the support here helped change all that. Good to have you join us :)
D

Welcome Eppi! It's wonderful to have you join us - we are here to encourage & support you. I'm thankful you were able to halt the progression of your relapses.

I don't have heroin experience but almost lost my life to alcohol. We all understand how hard it is to free ourselves from the grip. I'm glad you have a therapist and the online NA meetings. You're never alone.

Welcome, this is truly a great place. It helped me kick the habit quite a bit. Drinking though not herion. Although I did try it a few times it was never really around my circle thankfully so I never got into it. Sounds like you have kicked the habit before so you know what you are doing. Just do the right thing and leave that crap behind.

Welcome Eppi, you are right this is a great place. Also check out the other forums lower down that are for various other drugs though I think they have a lot less traffic.

Welcome to the family. :) I've never done heroin, I was a wino myself, but you'll find lots of support here, no matter what your drug of choice is. We do have a substance abuse forum you might want to check out.

Hi Eppi, Welcome!

The pandemic has indeed been difficult. I'm glad that you're back on track and that you are seeking support. This is a great place to come for inspiration and information.

Welcome Eppi.

Doesn't really matter what drug we are using. This is a great place to get the support and encouragement you need to get clean again. Dim out those neural pathwathways. Switch on the better light. Soft and forgiving.

Thank you everyone ❤️
 

I’m bowled over by all the responses, and the kindness and encouragement therein. Thanks so much everyone! I have experience with AA too, and although my doc is heroin, I’m a polysubstance abuser at my core. The misery and trouble are always the same in any addiction. Thank you
all for yr warm welcome!

-Eppi

Thank you for checking back. Glad to hear you're still at this recovery thing. :c011:

Hope it's going ok today, Eppi.

Yep, day 5 is coming to a close. Starting to feel like a human again, yay! Hope yr doing well this weekend, I’mNotThatGuy. :D

So far so good, Hevyn. Thanks for checking in, and I hope yr doing well, too. Have a lovely weekend.

PS I like yr handle 🙃