Been a while...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Been a while...
Hello, I haven't checked-in in a while, but I have been reading here. So, thank you all for your posts to everyone and the replies - always strengthening for me to read.
I'm at 436 days sober. Feels very good. I feel much safer and less in danger of failing than ever. It was much harder before I had built the sober muscles I now have - almost like I could be in a situation where I accidentally drank, despite my best efforts, but now I know that can't happen. If I drink (which I definitely don't see happening), it would be because I actively chose to, not because I accidentally did.
I am still constantly amazed, now that I'm no longer in the drinking cult, how normalized it is, a drug that 1/10 or more get addicted to. The fact that, during this Covid era, liquor stores had to remain open and "essential" as governments were worried about hospitals being filled up with those in withdrawals or increased crime or the like. It's like, WHAT are we doing acting like this is okay?!? That this state of affairs is okay? I noticed recently that 2 friends have fancy wine fridges. Oh la la...yet they both always put ice in their wine. So, they are not these wine connoisseurs who drink wine in the exact temperature it is needed. They literally like the idea of a wine fridge, despite it having no practical use for them, like someone might like the idea of a fancy cigarette pack or a gold heroin needle. It's truly warped. If I hadn't had my issues, I'm sure I would've also eventually wanted a fancy wine fridge. Marketing surely would have convince me too that this was chic and cool and cute. I think I'd buy one in rose gold.
I had a classmate die a couple of weeks ago. He had everything (on paper) that you could have that is supposed to make you successful - he was white, male, American, intelligent, wealthy, good looking, etc. He was also an alcoholic. He ended up have an esophageal varices. He puked blood, his liver and kidney shut down, he went on a ventilater, the last words his two kids said to him as the nurse held up the phone was "Happy Father's Day, we love you", and now he's gone. Age 44. So many people who know him are taking about what a sad, unnecessary death his was. As someone who has battled addiction, my first thought was of what a sad, HARD life he must have led for the two and a half decades since high school. I think of him when we graduated from high school, all of us so excited about the future. From what I have heard, this is when his living hell of addiction began. Devastating.
Alcohol is just a scary, scary thing. I spent way too much time (all wasted, literally and figuratively) trying to convince myself I wasn't this thing called "an alcoholic". Wtf. I actually still don't agree with that word. All I needed to ask myself, though, was "Does alcohol do more good or bad in my life?" If I had, the answer would have been MUCH MORE BAD. Well, that would've answered the first question for me, wouldn't it have? Because to continue something that contributed much more bad than good would've HAD to tell me I was addicted, right?
I'm so relieved and lucky and proud to be sober. I have no real desire to drink now (an occasional wistful thought, though); it would be so goddamn hard, though, to deal with the roller coaster of craving, drinking, recovering, craving, drinking, recovering, quitting, failing, drinking, recovering, quitting etc. again. I still have fantasies of one day retiring and having a few glasses of champagne each night on my house on the beach and or my house on the slopes in Colorado. That said, I currently am over 20 years from retirement and am a teacher, so I'll worry about those fantasies when the time comes (I learned that from someone else here, and it works for me).
I have grown more emotionally in the past 436 days than in the previous 20 years. I feel "all caught up", but I know I'd start going backwards if I started to drink. I feel sincerely blessed, like god looked down and blessed me, to have been chosen to be one of the lucky, recovered ones. (I consider myself recovered, some choose to think of it as life long recovery. Whatever works for you). The one thing I would recommend to anyone newly starting to stop drinking, to someone who has zero idea how they will accomplish this, is to just BELIEVE us when we say it gets much, much easier. Why the hell would we all be on this website lying? To think a millions of strangers would claim this falsehood must prove to you're addicted, right?, because why the heck would we all do that, unless the problem is really that your addiction is trying to make you doubt us? Why would people stay sober if it doesn't get easy (life doesn't get easy, but staying sober does).
There was a time you were a kid. Maybe you were excited about the last day of school, or Christmas, or getting to walk the dog for the first time solo. You didn't think "Boy, this deserves a drink to celebrate". Or maybe you hit some bumps. A loved grandfather died, your new sibling turned out to be what you found out to be a bore who slept and cried all day, your cat ran away. You didn't think "Boy, I need a drink". This is because your body does not need alcohol. You've just messed up your brain to the point where it thinks it needs a drink. It doesn't. And you can fix your brain by stopping drinking. It'll be DAMN HARD at first. But, then healing will start. And you'll get back to who you really are.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
I'm at 436 days sober. Feels very good. I feel much safer and less in danger of failing than ever. It was much harder before I had built the sober muscles I now have - almost like I could be in a situation where I accidentally drank, despite my best efforts, but now I know that can't happen. If I drink (which I definitely don't see happening), it would be because I actively chose to, not because I accidentally did.
I am still constantly amazed, now that I'm no longer in the drinking cult, how normalized it is, a drug that 1/10 or more get addicted to. The fact that, during this Covid era, liquor stores had to remain open and "essential" as governments were worried about hospitals being filled up with those in withdrawals or increased crime or the like. It's like, WHAT are we doing acting like this is okay?!? That this state of affairs is okay? I noticed recently that 2 friends have fancy wine fridges. Oh la la...yet they both always put ice in their wine. So, they are not these wine connoisseurs who drink wine in the exact temperature it is needed. They literally like the idea of a wine fridge, despite it having no practical use for them, like someone might like the idea of a fancy cigarette pack or a gold heroin needle. It's truly warped. If I hadn't had my issues, I'm sure I would've also eventually wanted a fancy wine fridge. Marketing surely would have convince me too that this was chic and cool and cute. I think I'd buy one in rose gold.
I had a classmate die a couple of weeks ago. He had everything (on paper) that you could have that is supposed to make you successful - he was white, male, American, intelligent, wealthy, good looking, etc. He was also an alcoholic. He ended up have an esophageal varices. He puked blood, his liver and kidney shut down, he went on a ventilater, the last words his two kids said to him as the nurse held up the phone was "Happy Father's Day, we love you", and now he's gone. Age 44. So many people who know him are taking about what a sad, unnecessary death his was. As someone who has battled addiction, my first thought was of what a sad, HARD life he must have led for the two and a half decades since high school. I think of him when we graduated from high school, all of us so excited about the future. From what I have heard, this is when his living hell of addiction began. Devastating.
Alcohol is just a scary, scary thing. I spent way too much time (all wasted, literally and figuratively) trying to convince myself I wasn't this thing called "an alcoholic". Wtf. I actually still don't agree with that word. All I needed to ask myself, though, was "Does alcohol do more good or bad in my life?" If I had, the answer would have been MUCH MORE BAD. Well, that would've answered the first question for me, wouldn't it have? Because to continue something that contributed much more bad than good would've HAD to tell me I was addicted, right?
I'm so relieved and lucky and proud to be sober. I have no real desire to drink now (an occasional wistful thought, though); it would be so goddamn hard, though, to deal with the roller coaster of craving, drinking, recovering, craving, drinking, recovering, quitting, failing, drinking, recovering, quitting etc. again. I still have fantasies of one day retiring and having a few glasses of champagne each night on my house on the beach and or my house on the slopes in Colorado. That said, I currently am over 20 years from retirement and am a teacher, so I'll worry about those fantasies when the time comes (I learned that from someone else here, and it works for me).
I have grown more emotionally in the past 436 days than in the previous 20 years. I feel "all caught up", but I know I'd start going backwards if I started to drink. I feel sincerely blessed, like god looked down and blessed me, to have been chosen to be one of the lucky, recovered ones. (I consider myself recovered, some choose to think of it as life long recovery. Whatever works for you). The one thing I would recommend to anyone newly starting to stop drinking, to someone who has zero idea how they will accomplish this, is to just BELIEVE us when we say it gets much, much easier. Why the hell would we all be on this website lying? To think a millions of strangers would claim this falsehood must prove to you're addicted, right?, because why the heck would we all do that, unless the problem is really that your addiction is trying to make you doubt us? Why would people stay sober if it doesn't get easy (life doesn't get easy, but staying sober does).
There was a time you were a kid. Maybe you were excited about the last day of school, or Christmas, or getting to walk the dog for the first time solo. You didn't think "Boy, this deserves a drink to celebrate". Or maybe you hit some bumps. A loved grandfather died, your new sibling turned out to be what you found out to be a bore who slept and cried all day, your cat ran away. You didn't think "Boy, I need a drink". This is because your body does not need alcohol. You've just messed up your brain to the point where it thinks it needs a drink. It doesn't. And you can fix your brain by stopping drinking. It'll be DAMN HARD at first. But, then healing will start. And you'll get back to who you really are.
Anyway, just some thoughts.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Wow, these are all excellent points.
From my perspective, the only thing I'd say is I don't have any wistful thoughts of drinking alcohol, because the associations with feeling lousy and physically damaging myself are very strong now. But that's just a minor observation.
I especially salute your comments on the normalisation of alcohol. Yes, I do think it is a great example of how messed up we are that we market and promote this poison to the masses!
Thanks for the post, sohard.
PS: Congratulations on 436 days!
From my perspective, the only thing I'd say is I don't have any wistful thoughts of drinking alcohol, because the associations with feeling lousy and physically damaging myself are very strong now. But that's just a minor observation.
I especially salute your comments on the normalisation of alcohol. Yes, I do think it is a great example of how messed up we are that we market and promote this poison to the masses!
Thanks for the post, sohard.
PS: Congratulations on 436 days!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,532
What an excellent post Sohard.
Thank you for coming back to encourage newcomers. Only 7 months myself, and for the first time feeling the psycholical, physical, and spiritual benefits of sobriety. I'm growing up at last. It feels good.
I don't like the term "alcoholic" either. Tainted with a puritanical and judgemental history, it doesn't do much for a girl's self esteem. All that I know is that alcohol screwed me up every single time.
And on the rare occasion where I did "get away with it", I DIDN'T. Tricked again into believing I could drink rationally. I NEVER got away with it.
Liked your, "life doesn't get easy, but staying sober does."
Thanks again, with big congrats on 436 days.
Thank you for coming back to encourage newcomers. Only 7 months myself, and for the first time feeling the psycholical, physical, and spiritual benefits of sobriety. I'm growing up at last. It feels good.
I don't like the term "alcoholic" either. Tainted with a puritanical and judgemental history, it doesn't do much for a girl's self esteem. All that I know is that alcohol screwed me up every single time.
And on the rare occasion where I did "get away with it", I DIDN'T. Tricked again into believing I could drink rationally. I NEVER got away with it.
Liked your, "life doesn't get easy, but staying sober does."
Thanks again, with big congrats on 436 days.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Ah, Sohard.
No matter how hard it was, we stuck it out. YOU stuck it out. Pretty fantastic.
I'm really sorry to hear your friend died of his alcoholism, but it no longer surprises or shocks me. So many lost.
Thanks for your post.
No matter how hard it was, we stuck it out. YOU stuck it out. Pretty fantastic.
I'm really sorry to hear your friend died of his alcoholism, but it no longer surprises or shocks me. So many lost.
Thanks for your post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Sohard, really good to hear from you, and thanks for the excellent post.
You’ve really worked hard to get where you are now and your legacy on this forum can serve as an inspiration to others, especially when you struggled and came out on top.
congrats on the 400+ days and thanks for
checking in. I was so glad to see this was a happy thread instead of a relapse one.
You’ve really worked hard to get where you are now and your legacy on this forum can serve as an inspiration to others, especially when you struggled and came out on top.
congrats on the 400+ days and thanks for
checking in. I was so glad to see this was a happy thread instead of a relapse one.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Location: Eastern US
Posts: 1,386
I second what everyone else said. This is very well written and impactful. I almost feel depressed thinking of the situation with the kids saying happy fathers day and wish I didn't even read it but part of me is glad. It is raw and shows you what happens if you don't handle the addiction. Thank you for the post.
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