Self Pity
 

I was reading a post that Laura3 made earlier today. She mentioned something that I can certainly empathize with and that's a lack of a passion or purpose. I think she also mentioned hobbies. But it got me thinking and I was/am very much in the same boat...even before drinking. I think my saving grace in most of my younger years was sports and playing those. Today I try to keep active and exercise, even if I'm a shadow of my old athletic self and everything hurts in the morning! Regardless, I have consistently struggled with why I'm here and what I was supposed to do. Maybe it's my alcoholic narcissism, but I always thought I was destined for greatness. Statistics are always the true humbler and I realize only a small % achieve greatness...whatever that is.

My other issue is that I was adopted as a 6 year old. Growing up I had two things driving me. 1. That I was "special" because I had a second chance which obviously meant I was to be great. 2. That I needed to be great in order to prove to my adopted family that I was "worth it". Neither of those mindsets are really healthy.

As I got older and had kids I thought more about God's plan. I've discussed this with my wife before but have been battling this notion that maybe I was a pawn, or a strategic move. I had to be adopted so I could meet my wife and our kids could be born. Maybe that was my purpose and now that it's fulfilled I merely have to make sure I don't screw them up and then fade off into the sunset.

This isn't really healthy either. Plus if I layer that on top of my 2 mindsets growing up that I listed...it's a recipe for drinking disaster. Maybe it's how I've wound up battling the bottle over the past 10 years or so. Self pity is typically not my style, but just wanted to share some of the feelings that have been ever present in the back of my mind. Not sure how to get rid of them. Maybe it's like AV and I just have to acknowledge when I'm feeling/thinking them and work my way out.

I read somewhere once that wanting more isn't always bad. But sometimes I just wish I could be content.

I quit in January as well. The longer I go, the more I find that these types of feelings sort themselves out.

I can see how being adopted could add another level of insecurity(?) perhaps.

Sounds like your opinion of greatness might be too high. We talking professional athlete? the 1% Richie rich kind of stuff? Talk that out with a therapist I feel like you are selling yourself short. Your damn right you had to be adopted meet your wife and then have your kids. Awesome being that pawn in my opinion. I am also a pawn with that same trajectory but not I have a wonderful family and I get to raise my kids and I am absolutely still necessary in their lives. Maybe pawn is a bit derogatory but I think you get what I am saying.

The more sober time I have the more I find to do...I have more growth every year cos I keep on making mistakes ;)

I think any notion that your life's purpose here is served is a mistake, and might even be the first stirrings of the AV back to cause trouble.

I reckon so long as we're breathing we have a responsibility to do good/Do Gods work.

D

Noam, just wonder if there is some perfectionism mixed in with this feeling of having to prove you were “worth” adopting and destined for greatness?
where being ordinary isn’t good enough?

i was, by my parents, always expected to be better than i am, and also to do better than i do (i.e. “successful”).

took a toll. my reactions to that were at times shame and smallness, but mostly rebellion, anger and not even trying.

took me a while of being sober to really grasp that perfection was not only not achievable but not required. of me. by me.

don’t know if any of that is resonant with what you’re speaking of.

and, oh, i don’t hear self pity in your post. more like exploring lifelong questions.

It takes a while Noam. It is great you are sober but this is far from the best you are going to feel. More sober time really quiets your mind and your thoughts and allows you to identify old resentments as nothing more than that, and then you can leave that in the past. It is a key to recovery and I worked on that every day for many months. That calm in your noggin too allows to think about contentment, humility and gratitude - another few keys to an ongoing recovery in my humble opinion. Hang in there Noam, you are doing great.