SB2020

Good day everyone. I am new to this platform and to be honest, I have been reluctant to pursue this journey. However, at this point, I feel I have no other recourse. I am the spouse of an alcoholic. Recently we had a medical event That nearly took his life. Since then I’ve noticed he has not gone back to the bottle, but I’m not 100% sure he’s dry as I’m not with him all the time. He is a very proud and stubborn individual and he seldom share’s anything personal with me. Since his return from the hospital he’s been further distant. It almost seems like he’s acting as if nothing happened. I feel like our relationship, which has been 10 years plus, has greatly suffered as our communication has almost disappeared. I’ve always tried to be by his side as support, and keep my attitude to be with him, and not think of myself. I don’t want to leave the relationship, he means too much to me. I truly believe he is dealing with a lot of troubling issues as he a Iraqi War veteran as am I, and since he has left the service, he has changed. I’ve asked him numerous times to share with me what he has experienced, but he refuses to open up. My biggest fear is his returning to the bottle as he hasn’t resolved anything since his departure from the service. I don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening.

doggonecarl

Sorry for what brings you here. I have no advice. Sadly, the recovery journey is his to make and his to make alone. You can't walk it for him.

D122y

The most important thing was I wanted to quit. I really really really wanted to live a normal life. A life that allowed me to achieve all the God given ability I had. Booze had reduced me to a dead man walking.

If I didn't want to quit 100%, it would have been impossible. My addiction was too strong.

The hell to get clean, which I describe as a continued effort beginning with a 2 plus year treck in and out of sanity, was only achievable this long by this forum. Others use AA, SMART, etc etc.

If I was not told what was going on and what will happen if I drink again, I would have relapsed over and over.

The mental and physical damage was way more than I realized. The degradation is insidious.

My questions have not been answered in one thread. They took a few months of quearies and squirrel chases to develop my way of getting my act together.

Hope this helps.

Thanks.

Anna

Welcome, and I'm sorry for your situation with your husband. I hope he decides to stop drinking, but there is little that you can do to help him. It does sound like your husband would benefit from counselling. It also sounds as if couples counselling for the two of you could be helpful with your communication issues. I hope that you take care of yourself, and you might check out AlAnon in your community as a support for you.

We also have a forum on this board for Friends & Families of Alcoholics:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

PuckLuck

Sorry for your situation. I agree with Carl.

There's no one in the world who can make an alcoholic/addict get sober. No one. It has to come from within that person.

biminiblue

I would add to the above:

Get out of his way.

Trying to get him to talk, trying to "understand" trying to "help" or "rescue" or "be there" - while sounding nice, in fact is a hindrance. Let him hit his own bottom without your input. When we addicts get tired of our self-created misery we either do something about it or we spiral downward even further. Neither of these trajectories are on your timeline.

MaximusD

I am also an Iraq veteran from late 2000s. He needs to deal with PTSD if he has it. If he is not service connected through the VA he needs to be. This is serious and something I feel strongly about. War veterans have a HIGH suicide rate and I don't want to see another brother go that route. Does he have service connection? Is he getting therapy?

Surrendered19

Hi SB2020. Agree with all thus far. I will tell you that you have the right to a peaceful life and a life that you are a fully informed participant in. Think really hard about what it is that are deal breakers for you and don't compromise on any of those. Otherwise if he goes down, you'll go down with him. For me, two deal breakers would be not talking and him not being honest about his drinking. If he is drinking but is letting you know what is going on and working on it, you can get your head around that. But you are in the dark and that is not a good place to be. I'm sorry what brings you here but listening to us alcoholics and addicts will be good for you. We've lied all of the lies and done all of the awful things to the people in our lives, so we really cannot be fooled. One of the most awful things I did when I was drinking was let people who loved me suffer in an awful deafening silence. You don't deserve that.

Dee74

Welcome to SR SB2020

I am also sorry for what brings you here but this site, and this forum, is all about support for you

Do also check out our Friends and Family forums as well
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D

least

Welcome to the family. As hard as it is, I agree with letting him 'sink or swim' on his own. If he doesn't want to talk, let him live in silence for a while. I also strongly suggest you get support for yourself. You're going thru hell too and need support just as much as he does.

Our Friends and Family forums are great. People who have been, or still are, in your shoes can offer a lot of wisdom and compassion. Please take good care of yourself.

Steely

I agree with those who recommend counselling for PTSD if that is what has been diagnosed. Also couples counselling out of veterans associations?

If he rejects these suggestions think counselling for yourself out of a service that specialises and understands the trauma attached to war would be really useful. Support from other wives, families of returned veterans? I'm pretty sure they exist.

The fact that he has withdrawn is concerning, and think it important for you to speak to someone face to face to discuss. Come here too as there are veterans who will understand.

It is very important that you look after yourself. I've learned this hard lesson having a daughter with schizophrenia. Always trying to save, rescue her. I've learned that it works better for both of us if I take good care of myself. It's a cliche to say that unless I look after myself I am no use to another. But the cliche is a true one.

My very best to you and to your husband. War is a terrible thing.

MaximusD

This is probably not possible but I wanted to offer. If he wants to I can chat with him via instant messenger on here. Let him know I am a fellow veteran beating alcoholism and feeling much better.