Hypocrisy
 

Back on day two.
After running around posting on here how I was needing more than 10 days to break my binge cycle. After running around posting to other people how the only way to not drink is to not act on the urge. I acted on the urge and drank on day 8. I'm nothing but a hypocrite.

It's okay. We all say things...

Don't drink any more. You made it eight days so you know you can do it.

I didn't use that kind of strategy. I wasn't trying to get to a specific number or use some convoluted argument.

When I stopped drinking I allowed ZERO excuses to drink. Nothing; no habit, no event, party, person, argument from outside or Especially inside my own head.


That is the addiction talking. "You've never made it past 8, 9... 411 days. [ subtext: Therefore it can't be done ] "

It has to be all or nothing. Answer back to it. "It can be done."

I felt that way a million times, too. It's so much easier to give advice to others than to resolve an addiction in our own lives. Feeling like a hypocrite did help me though as it created a constant cognitive dissonance, which became unbearable for me with time because of the intense conflict between my values and what I was doing. It helped me cement my resolve to remain sober but still needed a lot more to make that happen than just awareness and mental exercises. Some people "resolve" the dissonance by stopping to care and shifting values, and I am glad that my mind just never allows the more destructive forces to do that. I often find it very beneficial experiencing these internal conflicts between values and momentary desires, but we need to ride the current and follow it up with actions. It's not a pleasant ride, but ultimately very rewarding and empowering, if successful.

Hey Doriss
Then we are probably all hypocrites here because I know I have totally done the same thing. I know it just makes so much sense to just simply not drink but as only fellow alcoholics understand, it is so far from being that simple. I know what you were feeling when you took that drink because I have been in your shoes. I completely understand that resisting an urge can be extremely uncomfortable and almost unbearable.
I am over two years sober now and it took many tries to get here. Achieving long term sobriety is totally possible and incredibly rewarding because you fought for yourself. Just put this day behind and do what so many of us have had to do and push forward towards you new life.

Hi biminblue, I understand what you are saying there. But my reasoning was, unless I make over 10 days, which is the longest for more than 2 years that I've had between binges, then I really haven't stopped anything. Just maintained the same cycle.
The only thing I see a tiny movement forward in is that this time I drank for a day and a half instead of the usual 4/10 days.
But that doesn't help with the fact that I did act on the first urge I had to drink coinciding with me having the money to.
Internal conversation went like this
AV "Let's drink"
Me "No
AV "Go on "
Me "Ok then"

Doriss, you're not a hypocrite, you posted as 'you.' But you listened to your AV. What will you do differently next time your AV comes calling with it's siren song?

Yes, I often have that cognitive dissonance over a lot of things I say sober and do because of this addiction. You make a lot of sense.
I'm starting to really think there is a monkey on my back, a real one, that's demonic and climbs inside my head and grabs the controls to my brain.
But that could be a way of thinking that tries to resolve the cognitive dissonance and get me off the hook.
Thanks for posting, something to think about, no doubt about it.

Doriss, I am so weak I can barely respond to my own thread, but am here, posting for you because I want to see you sober. I recognise everything you say, I am there too. We can do this though, what do you say?

Thank you Getting Closer
Just getting so weary of this. 18 years I've been doing this same sad dance, from 2 years after the abnormal drinking started. Longest time off it? 8 weeks.
I've tried every recovery method I've come across, there's been quite a few!
But I just haven't got the hang of just not drinking!

That's not just a tiny movement forward, that's YOU taking back your life.

Yes. Well done. Keep going.

When I was newly sober my #1 Goal every day was to lay my head on the pillow sober.

Tatsy, I'll probably say "oh go on then"
I'm fed up with myself

Bimiblue, yes, thanks. I suppose it could be worse, I could still be drinking today from Wednesday and for the next six days.
Just have to get past this, it could be worse, to it couldn't have gone better :)

Try not feeling guilty, it doesnt help. I know I tend to relapse when I feel like ive failed or etc. Thats why im not too keen about 12 step meetings

myself too but soon we become more of the person we want to be

Way to go for your ongoing tries at abstinence

we are our own harshest critics but no place for it when dealing with alcoholism

no judgements in trying to get well

good things will come to you

chin up

:grouphug:

Doriss, I know how exhausting and discouraging it is to be caught up in the cycle of drinking and trying to stop. Try to be kind to yourself today. What things can you add to your recovery plan to help you stop and stay sober? I had to make lifestyle changes to support my recovery.

Have faith that you can do this, and keep posting here.

I think many people struggle with making long-term resolutions - that's why they came up with the "one day at a time" view and approach. Even after being sober for years, I think that every day, even every hour is a victory early on. And especially beating every single craving. Some people say their cravings completely vanished when they started using X or Y method, but that has never been my experience and I also tried a few methods. I tend to experience similar (including the dissonance) about pretty much every obsession I develop, but alcohol was by far the most powerful and destructive. Have you tried to really identify what your triggers are? I fond that essential in overcoming any addictive tendency - simply telling myself 'no' and being aware of the wrong is never very effective against intense desires. For example, many people find different forms of stress triggering. I personally don't, for me it is more that I just like the high, the intensity, the altered state and have difficulties drawing and keeping limits. I was usually the most prone to relapsing when things were going the best in my life, even just on the daily basis - after some positive accomplishment. Wanted to amplify the rewarding effect. So, one of my biggest challenges has been learning to live my life without amplified peaks at least as far as destructive amplification goes. Still learning. Figure out how to achieve that using healthy means and also to just accept that a lower level of intensity and stimulation is the natural order of things and what I tend to seek is never sustainable in any form. If something like stress is your trigger, there are hundreds of other coping methods for that as well.

Laura3 , wiscober thanks
Anna, I can't think of anything to do. Over the years, I've tried AVRT (got the book and the tee shirt). Tried Smart Recovery, got the workbooks had F2F meetings, tried AA got the book had the sponsor. had campral from the doctor, had counselling, been to outpatient rehab.
Left jobs, because they "made my drinking worse" been sacked from jobs. Been in jail overnight at least 5 times, been in hospital who knows how many times. Had about 20 "bottoms"

The only way I will stop is to stop drinking!
I know urges are not impossible to get through. After I have stopped drinking when I have been at it for days, I have all consuming urges to carry on, but am either too sick to, or have ran out of money and I haven't spontaneously combusted, dropped dead or gone out and mugged anyone through them. I have strong urges when I have no money and haven't drank for days.
I have had to sit with my bad thoughts, regrets, guilt, boredom and the urges when it hasn't been possible to drink.
It's just transferring that to the times I have urges and the means to carry them out.
I know they pass.
I don't know why I won't put the thought that urges won't kill me, they will pass and they don't have to be acted upon upmost in my mind when I need to.

Then come here and talk like this when you get those urges.

Write it out.

Join every thread on the site.

Are you posting in the July Class thread? That was helpful to me in early days, my Class.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html

Keep posting, keep reading. :hug: We all are behind you.

Actually,
Aellyce2 you could be onto something here. In my younger life, I used to experience intense highs and intense lows. Almost to the point of what was then called manic depression. But after therapy it calmed itself down.
I did track my probmatic drinking as starting after these natural highs and lows stopped.
I've thought more than once that the way I drink mimics these (and I had had them most of my life up until then).
I have the high of the alcohol in the beginning, then a massive come down and low during the withdrawals.
Maybe I never gave it long enough to learn how to live on the even keel I was feeling for a good few months after therapy (the therapy wasn't for drinking, I drank socially up until then).
You've got me thinking now, thanks again

:) Bimiblue
I did have a look at the July thread when it started, but I saw quite a few people who had joined then, had stopped drinking the month before, some longer, so wouldn't be at the same stage. Or maybe I was just looking for excuses not to commit.
Thanks for the link, I'll go and have another look.