Philemon

Thank you for responding Meraviglioso, I have been reading your threads and yes, you are putting up quite a battle !!
What do I say? After all the encouragement here, the only thing to say is YES

Kaily

Yes!

The urges are just that and can't make you do anything. I nearly pulled my hair out resisting mine at times, but no way was I going to let that pesky AV win me over anymore. Fight with every fibre of your being. It will always come calling but only you have the power.

Don't let it control you anymore.

PuckLuck

Well, I guess that makes every single one of us here a hypocrite, too.

Don't beat yourself up, just get back UP.

Fusion

Doriss, I know you CAN do this sober thing, you have a lot of insight, that's a good thing! Stick with us on SR, I believe we've all been where you feel now, on the seemingly relentless AV powered alcohol wheel, whether binge or daily drinking.

Keep posting and we'll keep listening and replying, and together we'll share our experiences of how we locked that alcohol seeking part of the brain, into a cage. We are a diverse lot and used a variety and mixtures of methods, plans, tools, techniques. I can read your pain, but I truly believe that you can jump off that wheel into sobriety-land.

biminiblue

Some people post in the new monthly threads strictly to be a support in threads that can sometimes really need it. Surrounding myself with people exactly like me sounds to be a bad plan. I would never learn anything and I'd have an extremely limited circle of support.

Philemon

I know, I have to stop being such a wimp with them. I'm like this with everything and everybody. Even the cat gets all her own way if she bugs me enough.
I need to get it through my thick skull, that giving into the AV isn't like giving into something harmless, it's destroying my life and relationships.
I have read your posts kaily (I think I've read the whole site ). I must admit, at times, I didn't think you would make it, but you did, great inspiration

Philemon

Thanks, I will, I know I will. I've seen people beat this countless times, not easily sometimes, but they did it. Just have to get out of my little well of defeatism that I've put myself down
Thanks

Philemon

Thanks Tatsy I feel better already reading all of these supportive replies from you all
Not so alone in the self imposed dungeon.
I'd give nothing more than be able to poke a big stick in this stupid wheel and stop it.
Listen to that, "I'd give nothing more" All I have to do is NOT DRINK and stop convincing myself a little one won't hurt, it's been hurting me and the people that care about me for years.

Aellyce

I have bipolar tendencies too, which definitely reached diagnostic criteria when I was drinking. Not in sobriety and I don't experience lows much now, but certainly can get carried away and enjoy milder "up" phases, and when I don't have them for a long while, sometimes I miss them and want to recreate in other ways (than drugs). I've done many things to kinda achieve that state, from being a workaholic to interpersonal interactions to traveling/moving all over the map... and a lot more. It is also well-known that many people who are prone to this don't want to take medication, because that takes away the amplitudes. It can also be worth looking at your normal life - is it meaningful and rewarding for you, on its own, without alcohol and other artificial, harmful amplifiers? Just what you do everyday and the opportunities available to you? Because deprivation can easily lead to wanting to compensate in unhealthy ways and with extremes. I just struggled with this a bit recently now, during the COVID lockdown... didn't pick up alcohol but did some other old, repetitive behaviors. Recognized and stopped it pretty quickly, but still... it reinforced my awareness that I am prone to this in many ways and need to watch out for it even when I have long periods (i.e. years) of peace. Some people say that the fluctuations and desires just completely evened out and disappeared after a couple years of sobriety, but that's not my case and I must accept that. We all have different backgrounds, predispositions, and need to figure out what works to keep us away from the destructiveness and extremes. Given that you have tried so many things already, I would look at your life in general now. If our life is not satisfying, of course we will look for substitutes in all the wrong places. If therapy worked for you, maybe go back for a while and look at these things with a therapist? You will still need to do most of the work on your own in the everyday when the urges hit, but it is definitely useful to know where to turn when that happens. You definitely seem to have the intention to quit drinking and also seem quite open to trying many things; have decent morals given you recognize and acknowledge the internal conflict and find it unpleasant. I am typically the same with every obsession, but still need to do the stopping and not starting part. These darn desires can be extremely powerful and defy all reason and our best interest, but they are not impossible to overcome.

PuckLuck

An active alcoholic usually looks A LOT like someone who is suffering from bi-polar.

Bi-polar disorder can (and should) only be diagnosed by a medical professional when someone is stone cold sober for a good length of time. Unfortunately, this isn't always the case and only complicates things.

Philemon

Aellyce, I had no problems before therapy (at least I thought I didn't). Defiantly no problem with drink, wasn't that bothered about it, could take it or leave it. One of the reasons I couldn't get into the AA stuff, I absolutely knew, for me, there was no "allergy"

It was the extreme lows that sent me there, but I knew they would only last a few months at a time and then I'd be back on an energetic high.
But the doctor offered it and I thought I'd go see if it could get rid of the lows, thought the "real" me was the adventurous, high energy person I was when I wasn't down in a depression.
I wondered why he asked me if I was "willing" to get off the rollercoaster. I had no idea I'd be giving up those highs and they weren't a natural part of my personality.

Your post makes a lot of sense. No, I have no sort of life at all.
I have no interests. Thanks to covid, I have no job, but the job I did have was extremely boring and undemanding, all I could manage with a withdrawals to cope with half the time and secret drinking the rest.
Thats my life drink/withdrawal/drink/withdrawal. With a few days free of both inbetween if I'm lucky.
I have the most pointless, meaningless life imaginable.
You are right, I'm going to have to find a way to change this. Hard with the way things are at the moment. Even places that are back open are laying off staff as social distancing means less customers fitted into some places.

I don't know how I will change things yet.
But now you have made me stand back and look, even for a second, no one would be able to stay off the drink in this life. It's bleak and lonely. And has been for a long time.
I have no interest in anything, apart from 1. Getting drink and 2. Getting through the withdrawal days without dying.
Food for thought her. Thank you































2real"

Philemon

PuckLuck, I didn't have a problem with the drink, until after I'd had therapy and was on an even keel for the first time in my life. I don't think I had actual bi-polar, just extreme moods swings from months of euphoria to months of severe depression. I was diagnosed with PTSD and cured of it.
THEN the drinking started. And binge drinking does mimic how I used to feel, before therapy, high/low/high/low

MaximusD

Doriss, the july thread has lots of people who just quit, me included. I have had the same cycle for quite a long time. Two things are making it finally come to an end. 1, giving myself accountability from someone else in my life. 2, hearing people here just tell me straight, "You have to make not drinking your #1 priority above all else. It will KILL you if you don't."

Philemon

Hi maximus I KNOW it will kill me, quickly, if I'm lucky, if I'm not, I'll live for years in this alcohol induced misery.
I KNOW it, yet I haven't stopped it! Mad.
I might join the July thread, although I don't hold myself accountable to anyone but myself.
I can deceive other people about my drinking, but I can't deceive myself. No one can stop it but me.
I KNOW this too, but I haven't seriously done anything about it yet. Because if I had been serious, I would have done it by now.

Philemon

Obviously sitting around waiting for little milestones to pass have done nothing. So will have to start doing things to change instead of waiting for things to change.

biminiblue

Yeah, I think getting to that point where death doesn't seem like such a bad idea is where a lot of us find ourselves at the ends of our oh-so-fun drinking "careers."


Time for a different approach. No way to actually have any kind of peace while still drinking.

Philemon

No biminblue there isn't. And yes, it's worrying things have gotton so bad death is the lesser of two evils

Dee74

Glad you'e back Doriss.

For 15 years or more I would swear off the drink on Monday.
Sometimes I lasted til Wednesday, most times I drank the same day.

Sometimes I was drink within 30 mins of declaring I'd never drink again.

The support here helped change that. When I wasn't posting for myself I'd post to others.

I built up a support network, and I used it.

I made changes in my life to reflect my desire to stay sober.

I looked to other healthier solutions for the things I was self medicating over.

It wasn't easy, especially in the beginning, but neither was my drinking life.
Support helped though - and it got easier in time as I grew and changed.

If I can do it, anyone can. man

D

Surrendered19

I know I'm taking an easy shot Doriss, but the three words "sitting around waiting" have never been part of any good plan of attack on this common beast we fight. Milestones and daily, weekly and monthly goals often trip people up too. If I were you I might not count days at all - just for now. Daily counts seem to be part of what convinces you that its time to drink, then stop, then drink again. You deserve health and peace Doriss, and you can have that.

Philemon

Thanks Dee
I already feel much more chipper than I did when I first posted this thread thanks to the really helpful replies. Don't feel so lost in the wilderness.

I have been thinking about what small changes I can make about myself, until I can tackle bigger ones.

One is I'm very undisciplined, so I'm going to choose 2 things I don't want to do, have been putting off, and do them tomorrow. Weed the garden, clean out the cupboard that I open two inches and throw everything into.. I have been putting these things off because I just don't want to do them, even though they have needed sorting for ages.
Another is, I'm going to utilize some of the things I learnt from Smart about obsessive thoughts and stop them instead of letting them run riot.
I'm not going to go on obsessive rants and be like a dog with a bone about one subject for days on end, until no one can bear to be around me.
And instead of watching depressing youtube or netflix videos I'm going to see if I can find stuff a little more positive to put in my head. I really need to change my negative mindset, I'm starting to even get on my own nerves being Mrs Gloom Merchant now

EDIT I changed it from 3 things to 2 given the state of that cupboard