11 days since I left the hospital and I am miserable
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 31
11 days since I left the hospital and I am miserable
I was waiting for a bed at a detox but my shaking, breathing, and panic attacks got so bad that I had to go to the local E.R.that night instead because I constantly felt like I was drowning.I thought they would discharge me the next day but they kept me for six days, did lots of tests, detoxed me, started me on inhalers for COPD, and BP meds.I feel better physically but mentally I just feel so ****** depressed and dead inside.Lots of medical problems, on disability, along with alcoholism, depression, anxiety, social isolation etc.You name it and I got it.Not to mention that I have a soon to be 97 year old mother at home that requires assistance, trips to the doctor etc.Spent my first week out just getting all my junk sorted out.All of the mail and bills that have piled up while I drank a liter of Vodka a day for four months.Nothing brings me happiness, have isolated in a basement for DECADES.And it's a lousy time to relapse with no in-person AA meetings.Bought a webcam for the first time a few days ago, and have attended a couple of virtual AA meetings.Mainly bought it so I can go back to a PHP program, all of which in MA are being held virtually now.Checked out one place that was only 6 hours a week, and another that was 3.5 hours five days a week.The head of a local PHP program that I have attended before is off til Tuesday.I am hoping to go there because they provide you with psychiatrist appointments while you are in PHP.At least they did when i was going there in person last winter.And my PCP has already said he is not going to fill any of my addiction or psyche meds when the hospital ones run out in a month.Drinking lots of diet soda, eating pretzels, and chain vaping which is not good for my COPD and BP.But anything that keeps me away from the booze for right now.Taking a couple of shorts walks a day, even attended a virtual NA meeting last night though the only drug I use is alcohol.With me its pick your poison.Drink and be miserable, or be sober and feel dead inside with no happiness.Been to 4 or 5 detoxes, and about 4 PHP programs.Never joined a home group or got a sponsor though, too chicken.And Covid is messing all that stuff up now.Was going to daily meetings for about a month though after the last detox.Anyone have some links for some virtual AA meetings.I don't think that text ones will do it for me.Hoping to get back into PHP this coming week, and hopefully stop feeling so miserable eventually.....Dave
Hi Dave. Wow man, that is a lot to deal with. I am afraid that any suggestion I make will fall far short of what you need. All I can say is that I am here to support you, as are we all, and you should keep staying sober. It takes a while to start getting the feelings back and not feel so empty inside. But that comes with time. One of the things I remember about drinking and the early sober days is that it was hard to take it an hour or two at a time, and a day at a time. If you back up and view Mt. Everest, the mother effer looks too big to climb, but people do it all of the time. One step at a time. Try your best not to look at the whole mountain at once.
And here is the thing. Your Mom, your COPD, your BP, your feelings of emptiness, your hesitancy to get a sponsor, your crap diet that you need to change, your basement dwelling, and on and on - none of that goes away if you drink. It all gets worse if you drink. But if you stay sober, and give it some time, you can start to pick off some of those issues, right-size them in your life, and live a life that is calm, quiet and satisfying. Not fancy perhaps. But satisfying and with purpose.
And here is the thing. Your Mom, your COPD, your BP, your feelings of emptiness, your hesitancy to get a sponsor, your crap diet that you need to change, your basement dwelling, and on and on - none of that goes away if you drink. It all gets worse if you drink. But if you stay sober, and give it some time, you can start to pick off some of those issues, right-size them in your life, and live a life that is calm, quiet and satisfying. Not fancy perhaps. But satisfying and with purpose.
You do have a lot going on, Dave! Your post reminds me of one of the things I've always told myself, even though it's a dreaded platitude (and especially when I was newly sober): Don't snowball. Just focus on doing the next right thing that's in front of you. At the moment, it's not drinking, so it sounds like you are repeatedly doing what is needed, even if it may not be the healthiest thing in the longer term. Walks, water, snacks, SR, even vaping - lather, rinse, repeat. Hang in there, we are here with you, and we understand. Join a monthly class, and post constantly. You can definitely get through this.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
Go to 247aaonline.com....you will get right in...visual/virtual meetings on Zoom you can even raise your hand...you can text on the side and ask for phone numbers for a sponsor...I am doing all of this...and I still feel empty and still drink...so I sympathize with what you are going thru.
I am also on disability for Frontal Temporal Dementia (certainly should not be drinking)….and I also took care of my sick elderly Dad which added to my anxiety and problems and I feel that caused me to turn to booze more.
I wish you the best you can be....the same I wish for me....we are better without drinking...if only I could realize that.
I am also on disability for Frontal Temporal Dementia (certainly should not be drinking)….and I also took care of my sick elderly Dad which added to my anxiety and problems and I feel that caused me to turn to booze more.
I wish you the best you can be....the same I wish for me....we are better without drinking...if only I could realize that.
For what it’s worth, I got a sponsor recently and we meet online. I’ve never met him in person but we have weekly zoom meetings and it’s been really helpful, for both of us. I am working the steps with him.
Dont fear getting a sponsor either. You are helping your sponsor be of service to as you will be helping yourself. Showing up the first time to a meeting or reaching out for a sponsor took some courage to overcome my anxiety, but for me it was hugely worth it. Good luck, I too have been in ER and detox many times. I can relate very much to your experience.
Dont fear getting a sponsor either. You are helping your sponsor be of service to as you will be helping yourself. Showing up the first time to a meeting or reaching out for a sponsor took some courage to overcome my anxiety, but for me it was hugely worth it. Good luck, I too have been in ER and detox many times. I can relate very much to your experience.
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