PuckLuck

I really have no idea who I am. I can be a child, I can be a pissed off "adult". I can wear many different masks. When I meet someone new I feel like I am playing a character.

Dee74

I felt that way for a lot of years too - but recovery gave me a emotionally level playing field to work from.
I rediscovered a real me I'd totally forgotten about.

Give it a little time PL

D

Anna

You can get to know the sober you, Puck. I didn't know who I was either, because I always avoided my feelings and just tried to carry on. It wasn't until I started experiencing my emotions that I was able to get to know myself.

MLD51

Yes, I can definitely relate. I think in me it came from insecurity and not liking myself. I was always trying to be a person I wasn't, to make other people like and accept me. I felt like I needed to be something other than myself or people would reject me. As a result, I had no idea who I was. That was amplified for a while when I quit drinking, because I also used alcohol to get past the social anxiety I always felt. And it was my hobby, my way of passing time, to sit in a bar and drink and swap BS with other drinkers. Without that, I was faced with the reality that I had to figure out what else I liked to do, who I wanted to spend my time with, and how to be ok with myself, because I was suddenly spending a lot of time at home alone, and that was super uncomfortable. I felt like I had never really grown up (drinking will do that to you). Sure, I knew how to DO STUFF to look like a responsible adult, but inside I was a mess and didn't feel confident or accomplished. I felt like a little kid pretending to be grown up. And I was always afraid people would figure that out. my best friend asked me, in early sobriety, "Who are you, deep down? What makes you tick? What makes you happy?" I cried and cried, because I realized I had NO CLUE. I had spent most of my life trying to please others, and I did not even know what I actually liked. Now, five and a half years sober, after quite a bit of work on this exact thing, I'm figuring it out. I have hobbies again. I can talk to people without booze, and I have opinions of my own. I feel like I'm becoming an actual adult. I can look myself in the mirror without shame, and I know I'm a good person just the way I am. There's still work to be done, for sure. But I never would have gotten here if I had continued to drink. The work I did in treatment and AA in order to have a sobriety toolbox went hand-in-hand with getting to know who I really am, and learning to like myself.

Surrendered19

All of us can relate PuckLuck. I spent my life lying and trying to please everyone around me and never learned to be genuine. I never explored what I am about, what my values are, what is important to me, what I want to be a part of and put my name on. The last 7 months I have begun to do that. It is never too late. I am starting to realize that the real me is more than enough and now the people I have left in my life notice who I am becoming and they like it too. Just be humble and remember that saying nothing is an option. I use the acronym "W.A.I.T." which stands for Why Am I Talking??? That helps keep me centered and keeps me listening more than talking.

Zevin

W.A.I.T is awesome.

Aellyce

I tend to have the opposite problem and have spent way too much time and energy on figuring out "who I am" in my entire life - sober, drinking, drugging, every state. That can also become a serious distraction if someone does it habitually or like some sport.

I have found many useful things via reading and studying psychology, the brain, philosophy, everything about human history. But in simple ways, you can start asking questions like what sorts of things you are interested in at this point of life, what your basic/most intense fears are, what motivates and inspires you the best, what kinds of other people you are drawn to. Take note of recurring patterns of thinking, feelings and behavior. Do these things with some regularity, maybe even write a journal that you can re-read. Take classes related to self-exploration and discuss it with other people. For me, it is endlessly interesting because, while some basic things are really set and remain quite constant, there are also always new things that every stage of life, transition, challenge etc brings about. If you are relatively new to sobriety and have been escaping into substances and/or other experiences for a long time, you are definitely in a major life transition. It can be very challenging but also exciting and like a new life "project", where you can not only discover but also create yourself. A lot of things in human nature are very malleable, so feeling like you can wear many "identities" is not necessarily bad. We all are many things simultaneously and it is ever-changing, IMO.

brighterday1234

A big part of recovery is discovering who you really are. Do the work and find out 🙏