Mary88

I don't spend time with my former drinking friends. It just seems hard to get to know sober people. I have social anxiety which doesn't help. I made a friend through volunteering. We talked daily on the phone when we couldn't see each other during due to Covid. However a couple of times he got very drunk and sent me stupid texts. He apologised for this the next day. I realised I didn't want to get close to someone who liked getting drunk and explained this to him. He ended contact completely. It was disappointing as we got on well and were very attracted to each other but best for my sobriety. It's triggered loneliness though.

Just wondering do others find sobriety lonely too.

D122y

I am married with 1 child and a fairly large family all over and sometimes I am lonely.

Since I have gotten cleaned up my emotions have evolved. I still don't fully trust them. They are not mature. They are pure.

I have experienced a sense of love for my wife that I never felt before. This feeling didn't start out as love. At first it was more like hate.

I communicated my new love/hate to my wife and I was feeling like we might split up. Crazy emotions. My wife is quite comfortable being crazy at times.

That communication opened up my heart and feelings to my wife and now it seems like a good thing and a bad thing.

She believes I love her and seems to love me back. At times she wields my love for her like a super power.

I think that is part of what love is about. Feeling vulnerable. A big deal about love is it is a 2 way street. Both folks need to feel it.

Loneliness is an emotion that manifests during this time. Resentment, anger, frustration, and fear as well.

Hope you can relate.

Love and Thanks.

nez

When I was drinking, I could feel lonely in a stadium full of vocal, jocular, people. In sobriety, I finally became comfortable in my own skin and as a result I can be sitting at a remote a lake at 8,000 foot elevation in the back country without another other human for miles or I can be in a stadium full of vocal, jocular, people and not feel lonely in either situation. I will admit that it didn't happen overnight, but it did happen and I consider that to be one of the greatest gifts of recovery. It is liberating and worth the work and wait.

PuckLuck

Honestly? I've been alone my entire life. It's my normal, so I don't think about it all that much. Over 35 years I've pretty much embraced it and I think to a large degree prefer it. I'm an introvert. I can fake it for a while, but being around a bunch of people completely drains me and within an hour I just want to run and hide.

I've had one long term, potential marriage type relationship in my life and although we had some great times and I enjoyed her company I felt completely abnormal while in it. Tons of the fly-by-night "relationships" which have meant nothing. Also, I've been burned by tons of "friends" over the years too which has fueled my cynicism.

What can I say? I'm a hot mess

Kaily

Mary you did the right thing, we know what we can or can't cope with and you were honest. Hopefully someone more suitable will come along soon.

I am lonely in sobriety but when the party was over I was a lonely drunk too. I had many friends/boyfriends come and go, many upsets and arguments that never got forgotten. Now I choose not to let anyone get close for fear of being hurt. For me isolation is emotionally safe but extremely lonely. I am not a good example.

But I do have a dog.

PuckLuck

Exactly, me too. All I need.

Mary88

Thanks, I know I did the right thing, I just feel sad since we ended contact.
You seem like a good example to me!
​​​​

MissPerfumado

Big-time introvert here. I loved being alone when I was drinking because I didn't have to worry about making a fool of myself (so long as I stayed off social media - was usually successful but not always).

To me, it's not loneliness, it's solitude. I treasure solitude because it has many gifts. For example:

• I've lived alone for 15 years. That's 15 years of learning what I like, what motivates me, what discourages me, how to look after myself, how to deal with my problems myself, and learning when and how to reach out to others when it's time to reach out.
• I am the sort of introvert who loves to discover knowledge about subjects I'm passionate about, and over the years that's ranged from: nutrition, running, fitness, spirituality, the nature of consciousness, reincarnation, metaphysics, 'conspiracy' theories and, of course, recovery. I've spent thousands of hours deep-diving into those topics - very, very contentedly.
• I have great relationships with my parents and siblings. We communicate by technology mostly which suits me fine. I love them and they love me.
• In my years of being alone, I've learned to really like myself, so folks get this and they understand I am at peace with my strange ways. I totally accept my individuality so I make sure to honour other people's as well. All the folks in my life seem to be the same.
• And finally, I am in a relationship ... which is kind of amazing. We don't live together. I would find it very difficult. Thank goodness he is a busy man, with his own challenging job and his hobbies plus kids he is half responsible for with their mum. Our independence from each other means we have a robust relationship, we get together when we want to and we don't give in to all of the expectations that society places on what relationships should look like. I love him for who he is and vice-versa. I also don't take crap from him (or anyone) because my years of solitude means I'm not afraid to be alone or to draw boundaries when they are needed.

IMHO, being alone is the best way to start to know yourself. Very rewarding, in my own experience.

Surrendered19

I felt so alone when I was drinking. 7 months sober I am still by myself much of the time, but I am, for the first time, comfortable with my own company. I don't have feelings of loneliness. I've discovered that I crave quiet and solitude and now I can enjoy it with a calm and quiet mind. I find too that others pick up on that contentment and aren't as hesitant to be around me now. I think loneliness can come across as neediness and folks tend to shy away from that. Just my two cents.

Steely

https://youtu.be/gLGCHAO1u-M

least

I'm not lonely, cause I have my dog and two cats for company and I don't mind my own company. As my dad used to tell us: When you're alone, at least you know you're in good company.

Now that I am sober, I don't despise myself anymore and can actually enjoy being alone. My kids are grown and gone and living their own lives and I don't mind the empty nest. Mostly it has to do with liking myself.

PuckLuck

I've always had a bad habit of comparing myself to others. I think that it fuels loneliness in people who are prone to feeling left out. I never fit in, that's for sure, but that's okay (took a long time for me to be fine with it)

You see people out there doing family stuff all the time and you might think to yourself, "Gosh their life must be perfect and mine is total (bleep). Where did I go wrong?" Well, the truth is you never know what someone else is going though. A lot of life is putting on a mask. Creating that picture perfect image.

Buttery

Maybe try AA.
some meetings have a whole community of people from different backgrounds of all ages, orientation, race, etc where you can find others to connect with.
I never got on with the 12 step program but you don’t have to follow it to be involved and meet new like minded people. Can use it as a social tool and meet others and go for coffee and stuff outside of meetings. A lot of ex drinkers suffer with social anxiety so if you tell them that’s how you feel most will understand and may reach out to help you get involved at your own pace.

MaximusD

Have you tried meetup.com?

Wastinglife

My alcoholism is the main reason I have been alone the last decade. I have ruined every relationship I've had with my drinking so find myself always single. I did have a long term relationship that was likely headed for marriage but the alcohol took over.

I find myself lonely and isolated. Friends are all married/kids, busy. Family not around. Can't date because I can't keep a job or stay sober. At 43, I am pretty much screwed for life. I've lost everything and have no future. At least, that's how I feel and I drink to escape.

PuckLuck

I thought exactly like this forever until the last couple years. And if I drink enough it can all come out again. Truth.

Here's another truth. You're not defined by a relationship. You're also not defined by the silly car you drive, the big shot job you have, or whatever other superficial thing you can think of.

Couple more truths... You're 43. You're still young. I'm 35. I'm still young. Anything can happen, but nothing will ever happen if we stay drunk.

Dee74

I had a terrible fear of being in my own company.

Recovery gave me to opportunity to get to know the real me, and I found I rather liked who that was - all the old self loathing was based on what other people had told me I was, and my own impossible standards.

I was always looking for people to fix me, to fill my inner void - now I know thats an inside job.

And the irony is once I'd grown to like myself and no longer looked to a relationship top compelte me - I found a good healthy and lasting relationship

It takes time - but all the best things do.

D