NA 'Reward' - Filling the void
 

Cannabis: 91 days / Alcohol: 32 days

I recently posted on my 28-day milestone and mentioned that I was worried about upcoming leave from work.

Well, it was a scorching day here yesterday in Britain, and I spent the day out and about with my partner, walking through parks and enjoying nature.

The parks were packed, however, and a lot of people were drinking and smoking. It became extremely difficult to be there. I held out but had to leave earlier than planned, and I picked up two NA beers on the way home. The craving was crippling. I drank one when I got home but felt disappointment and mild anxiety as I drank it. I switched to decaff coffee straight after. The other can is still in the fridge.

While I remained sober, I realise this could be a slippery slope. But it's excruciating having to avoid parks and natural beauty spots due to my overwhelming triggers. Drinking is such a hard-wired reward that I'm struggling to find a replacement. I'm working out hard, reading copiously, meditating, talking things over with my partner, gaming - but there's still a hole I can't seem to fill.

Any advice will be gratefully received - I've taken it all on so far and surpassed one-month.

Thanks,
RS

For a while I'd reward myself with a new CD or DVD or book, or meal - and there was nothing wrong with that as such, but for me the longer my recovery went on the more I realised I was still trying to fill that void within me with stuff, and that had never worked for me anyway.

I had to work on healing that void instead.
I found my healing in service work and music and building a sober life I love.

It takes time to get that point - 30 days and 90 days is great but that's way nearer the start than the end man :)

Being around drinkers at 30 days would have been way too soon for me.

If seeing people drinking is bothering you maybe you can think a little farther afield for places to go and things to do?
there are definitely non drinkers out there having an awesome time, resurgence :)

D

Reward yourself for what?

Hey !!

Well, I'm celebrating my six months in like, I don't know about two weeks!

The first couple of months was super hard. When Friday came my brain just... switched. I didn't go out drinking but my brain was there you know?. I can't tell you that this will be the same case for you (I hope it is), but right now, not only the thought of drinking does not cross my mind, I just don't think about it.

Just a word of advice, I tried the NA beer several times while trying to stay off the booze. That does not work. Not because it has alcohol (Although if I am not mistaken it does have a bit), but because psychologically it messes your brain. It won't fool the brain.

Being that said, your cravings for "living" that of the other people in the park, is not only proper of alcoholics. The environment seems nice and, it is, so alcoholic or not, you'll like to live something like that. You'll get to enjoy that without the anxiety of drinking. Give it some time!

Best,

Hope

Hi Carl,

Since you pointed it out, I considered it, so thanks for your insight.

I guess I used to see it as a reward for completing a working week. But now I'm at the point where anytime/occasion/day ending in 'day' is an excuse. Truth be told, I don't really like myself, and facing that head-on is choppy, uncharted territory.

How does one make peace with oneself?

How does one make peace with oneself?

For me, Take ownership of what I've caused/created and accept I can't change the past but I can control what I do today.

YMMV

As you know it does take time to unlearn habitual behaviour that's been going for a while.

On a practical level anything which can break that connection in your head between reward=alcohol will help. In my case it was substituting pints of very cold sparkling water whenever I came home from work and really wanted a beer or four. Sounds daft perhaps but it really helped break the link.

Self compassion and forgiveness. How to achieve these is something I am still learning myself - it does take time. As controls said, taking ownership and accepting that we cannot change the past is a key part of that process.

Congrats on 30 days of sobriety!

If you are working NA, there are steps to follow....those 12 steps provide the best rewards!

Thank you Resurgence for the thread - I think reward is a very important topic in recovery and one I am contemplating myself at nearly 18 months sober.

When I first stopped drinking, nothing could provide a reward - I had total anhedonia and everything seemed dull so I just kept to a strict recovery plan as rigidly as I could one day at a time. After a few months I found that good food, chocolate and cake became my main reward system and yes, I put on weight. Now I am finding Diet Coke to be my thing - after a hard days work I will wander to the store and consciously reward myself with a big bottle of coke fresh from the chiller. Thankfully now I have very little desire for alcohol and hope to never to have it again.

As Dee and others have alluded to here though, I feel I am missing the key thing here entirely and failing to fill 'the void'. Whether 'virtue is it's own reward' I don't know but surely helping others etc must help. Perhaps I should be working a program as suggested - it's high time to investigate.... Forwards.

I used to drink NA beers when I would go sober. But over many tries and relapses I finally decided not to drink NA beers either. Quitting drinking was like putting out a forest fire and I am afraid of re lighting it with NA beer. Like another poster says, I switched to diet coke. Now I know that is not a good thing to drink either, but it is better than alcohol. NA beer has been debated here over and over. Just for myself, I am afraid it is too close to the real thing. Best wishes in your recovery.

Time heals all wounds, including drinking wounds. After 25 years, I still have an occasional cravings after working hard on my house or property. When putting my tools away, I sometimes think it would be a nice time to settle in with a drink on the porch. It's not just a thought. It starts with an image of me relaxing. It's the same as it was when I drank. I never intended to get smashed. I just wanted to relax with a drink, and then I would end up getting smashed. The difference is the intensity. It's no longer an obsession. It's just a passing thought. Given time, it will be like that for you.

At this point, you will have to struggle and power your way through. Later you will wonder what the fuss was about. AVOID TRIGGERS. Hanging out in a park full of people drinking sounds like insanity. I can hardly believe anyone trying to quit could even consider that. There is no point in courting disaster. Stay away from those places. This is common knowledge. Maybe a year from now, but by then you may have already realized it's not the crowd that is appealing. It's getting drunk that is the appeal. But you are far too fragile to be around such a dangerous place right now.

Doesn't sound daft to me at all, @Bilbao. I've been chugging back a fair few bottles of sparkling water and fruity sodas!

Appreciate your insight, Dri Guy :)

I should point out though, that I didn't head to the park to hang out around people who were drinking - I headed to the nearest green space in my city to enjoy the brief spell of warm weather while I had time off work.

There were all sorts of activities going on, from people having picnics and doing yoga, to people smoking hash and drinking. Of course, as I'm early in recovery, my attention homed in on the illicit activities going on, which made things uncomfortable.

I'm aware I need to avoid triggers, but I also can't lock myself away, especially after 3-months of lockdown.

What I have learned is that NA beers are not the way to go. But I knew this anyway as I've been down this road before.

I don't know; I think I just needed to post this because as SR is currently my only support network and it's rough going.

Recovery is the reward for me. It fills the void from within.

This is what I am honing in on. Maybe there is something to work through with a therapist? It took me a while to be comfortable with the thought of getting a therapist for myself but after relapsing so much I figured I needed to change the status quo. Maybe there is something to work out there? Also, I agree that you should try to avoid triggers. But there is also an element of powering through. Triggers, cravings etc are something that we can minimize but can't always avoid. Be aware and make a plan for when they arise. This will become few and far between with some sobriety.

Hi resurgence :)

to be honest at 30 days I was still trying not to drink mostly...at 90 days pot free I was trying to avoid pot smoking opportunities.

But those things got easier...I focused on building a sober life I loved and reconnecting with a me I had forgotten existed...I learned to forgive myself (& others) I made amends where I could and where appropriate...I helped others where and when I could...and peace came from that.

Its a process not an event IMO.

D

Thanks for your input, everyone!

@MaximusD - I'd like to speak to a therapist but my financial situation won't allow that for the time being, but it is definitely something I'm looking to do in the future.

@Dee - The forgotten self resonates with me. Started drinking at 14 and I'm in my early 30s now, so I'm not sure who that self is. I'm hoping introspection, meditation, and recovery will help me find out :)

I know I'm not alone here, but making amends is a tough sticking point.

I'm trying to let go of my ego, but I carry a lot of bitterness.

Theres a reason why amends are not the first step in AA- they're the eighth of 12. Amends is something to be done in time.

I was in no shape to make amends at 30 days. With a little time came perspective and it become clearer to me what exactly I was trying to make amends for.

Sorry to bang on about this but recovery is a growth process and growth needs time.

Try and be patient man.

D

Go slow and easy with yourself Resurgence. I had to let go of 50 years of resentment and bitterness before I could find any peace. That takes time but when that letting go finally took root, I started to know a peace and a quiet, calm head for the first time in my life. It takes so much intentional thinking and effort to get there but you can do it. You are so very young and wise beyond your years for trying to get this thing figured out. I knew I had a problem when I was your age but, like a dick, drank for another 20+ years. All of those years lost to drinking. Don't do that. Do whatever you need to do to live in the present. We can never get away from our pasts, but our memories don't need to be given total control either. That dirty little AV resides in our memories too. Another reason to move on down the road from all that and live a peaceful quiet life.