MaximusD

Right now yes. And yes that is really cool that you are doing a triathalon. If I can get my joints too stop hurting I might try it or at least go back to playing soccer.

Thanks Driguy for the quote.

MaximusD

Day 12. Getting close to 2 weeks. Had a lot of AV activity this morning. Had to go hour by hour for a bit there. It is always the same story and it is OCD. AV wants me to drink one last time so I can fully remember my last day drinking and have an exact quit time. The excuse is that if I don't do that then I will be constantly fighting off cravings. Cravings finally went away and of course I am happy I didn't cave. Every victory against the AV quiets it just a little more. Hoping to not have to deal with cravings tomorrow. Going to bed now a bit earlier to get more sleep. that will help and the good news is my sleep has normalized.

Surrendered19

Good work giving the middle finger to that dirty little AV. Those sumbich's never stop chirping but they do lose their steam. I'm over 7 months sober and last night while my daughters discussed the upcoming holiday, my AV suggested that perhaps my very last drinking day ever should be this coming July 4. Drink up. Celebrate. Hamilton on Disney Plus. Light the grill. The fireworks go off. Then off to bed for a peaceful sober future. AV's really are cunning aren't they? The only part the AV didn't tell me about was drinking for another few years and slowly dying a miserable death while further hurting my kids. The nasty AV always leaves that part out doesn't it???

Hodd

Doing well, Max 👍

I’m curious about the morning urges. I thought it’d be easier to handle in the morning by doing a non-drinking activity such as going for a walk or shopping?

biminiblue

The little niggling lies. I think it was the member Nonsensical who always said, "The Av is a liar. I don't listen to liars."

It does get a lot easier. Stick to it.

That thing about your wife killing you...I would delve into that a bit if I were you. I had a nasty little habit of doing things just because I knew they were wrong or naughty. I think that's all part of addiction. Secrecy, pulling one over on Mommy or society or wife. Rebellion. I was in my thirties and still doing things strictly because they shocked people and/or were against society's "rules." I liked the reactions/attention and it had become a habitual way of life, the drama. It was an identity I needed to break up with.

As a neglected latchkey kid I had learned that negative attention is better than no attention and then I applied that dysfunctional thinking to all my interactions with the world. "I don't care what you think. You can't hurt me. I do what I want."

Good job getting past yesterday's struggle.

Gabe1980

You are doing really well Max, well done and keep it going!

MaximusD

My last post above would explain my recent relapse. This time I mostly remember my last time drinking and have a good quit time so my OCD should be happy and the AV won't have as much. I know that I shouldn't listen to it anyways. I am not getting down on myself about these relapses. I know in my heart that I am about to get this right and will not stop quitting. This is how I finally quit smoking for good. I just kept quitting immediately after slipping. I am about to get this right for the last time I just know it. These last two slips were minor. Yesterday I had two pints of my hard liquor I drink and then stopped. Typically I would binge for a few days at least until I was sick. Today was day one and a little hung over this morning. Went to bed feeling kind of sick and worried my wife a bit. Mostly escaped this last one though without much of a hangover and probably won't have withdrawals since I have not drink much in the last month or so. All in all I am going to bed feeling pretty good as I know I am close to getting this right.

Hodd

I’m really sorry to hear this, Max. That’s not a small amount of alcohol, and I’m sure you didn’t enjoy it or the after effects. It seems you have access to a lot of hard liquor. If it’s in the house, maybe get rid?

What brought on the relapse?

Gabe1980

Hey Max.....just keep trying. Try to understand what gets you to the point of drinking and how to intervene before you actually pick up a drink. I don't say that lightly as I know how tough it can be but I also really believe you can do it.

Fusion

OK, so the AV got it's own way, when you listened to it's lies. The good thing is, the AV cant use the same excuse/lie for drinking again! You now have a final quit time/date.

Well done at stopping so quickly, Max. Counter reset and I look forward to witnessing the numbers building up.

Fusion

Whoops, double posted!

biminiblue

Two pints is heavy drinking. I'm sure you know about kindling...

https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicati...22-1/25-34.pdf

It's not OCD. It's the biological damage done by alcohol and it heals with Continuous Sober Time. I had all kinds of obsessions that are now gone.

I hope you figure this out. Good luck to you.

MaximusD

Hi everyone, thanks for posting. I don't want to downplay a slip as any time we slip it could be the one that leads us to death. 2 pints is a lot, typically if I am binging I will do 2-3 for days before finally stopping because I just can't anymore. Stopping after just 2 is actually not much for me though again I don't downplay the amount nor the damage. Tatsy, that is exactly what I am thinking what you posted above and yet I know the AV will always have an excuse and am prepared for that now. Bimini, I totally agree that given time those issues will go away. As for alcohol in the house. There is some alcohol in the house but it is sealed bottles of wine that I won't drink and have no desire too. If I was to break I would just go down the street and buy what I used to drink. Thank you for your posts and for holding me accountable.

Edited to add: I recently read about kindling and that might have happened to me years ago when I was drinking much more. Lately I have had a lot more sober time so my withdrawals haven't been as bad.

redlboro

Keep at it. Its encouraging that you feel like you've almost cracked it. I binge vast amounts of spirits too! It's also encouraging that you can cope with alcohol in the house. That's more than I can. I think if I was that desperate, I would be on the chocolate liqueurs 😂

MaximusD

For me, if I run out while I am drinking what I went and bought then I will potentially break into the stash at the house. I have drank chocolate wine before Yuck! If I get desperate I will just go to the store. I have never had a problem with it in the house. As long as I don't take the first drink I can guarantee I will not break into the stash in the house for that first drink.

MaximusD

I don't want to forget the last days before my last quit so I am going to write them here.

Many of my relapses lately have to do with my OCD and my AV. The AV knows about it and uses it against me. It suggests that if I am going to quit forever then if I don't cross al my t's and dot all my I's that I will forever have this OCD in the back of my head that I didn't get an exact quit date, didn't remember my last time drinking etc. Finally, this last time I gave in and agreed knowing that I am in fact on the verge of a forever quit. I had quit June 18th being hungover and unable to continue anyway BUT my AV suggested that I drink one last time and quit on my own terms when I remember the last time drinking and have an exact quit time and date (I already do most times, its just an excuse). So I drank July 1st. The date was great for my OCD, first day of the 2nd half of the year, first day of the month etc. The drink was so damn nasty I actually couldn't do it and only managed a few shots and had to dump it out. I couldn't drink it, it was making me sick to my stomach! Fast forward 5 more days and I am on a walk. AV suggests "you can't have July 1st as your quit date because you weren't able to even get drunk! Do it one more time, get a nice buzz and an exact time and THEN quit for good. Then the AV will be happy and all my OCD will be satisfied. I planned over the weekend my Monday drink and quit day of July 6th. Tried to go and get alcohol over the weekend to stash away ready for Monday. Finally was able to do it and hid it until Monday. Monday rolls around and I drink. Still pretty nasty but with a chaser I managed to pound down my 2 pints of poison but crap, I didn't get an exact quit time apparently (Don't remember all that great at this point) so I drive back to the store ( this is after having drank 2 pints of 64ish proof liquor) to get a small shot (Probably actually like 2 or 3 shots). I get back home, kill those shots and get my exact quit time. 7/6/2020 at 4:38pm. Bottom line, that last day is a bit hazy. AV might suggest another session so I will remember it and have THAT be my last quit date. BUT if I remember it then the AV will suggest I didn't drink enough. It is a never ending pattern. drink enough and don't remember so then drink again and remember but you didn't drink enough. Bottom line, AV is a liar as we all already know and is out of excuses as far as I am concerned. My OCD is happy. The last time I drank I drove back to the store so worried about my exact quit time that I drove drunk/buzzed with my son in the car. Writing that makes me sick and I will use this motivation and this journal entry the next time the liar tries to say anything. I got away with drinking again. Could have gotten a DUI with my son in the car and that could have been it. Edited to add: Or worse, killed him or us. Don't forget this Max.

MaximusD

Great quote i'd like to save for later.

Fusion

Max, have you read any of Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz's material? He first wrote a book on dealing with OCD, then a similar book about dealing with addictions. He is a Neuroscientist, and apparently, OCD and addictions reside within similar brain pathways. He says it's a learning/coping mechanism, that can be overcome by the application of his four steps, to utilise neuroplasticity to make new pathways in the brain - that aren't alcohol drinking or OCD behaviour seeking. My understanding of his books is that the four steps can be squeezed into 2. I hear the AV, then I dismiss it.

MaximusD

I have not but I will look it up. Sounds like it might be a good read. Thank you for the suggestion.

Philemon

Hi Maximus, what Tatsy said makes sense, everyone I have know with an addiction has some degree of OCD in other areas as well as with the addictive substance
I went and found a link on that doctors work and biological explanation.
Interesting
Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz's Four Steps | Beating OCD | Westwood Institute for Anxiety Disorders | OCD Treatment in LA