Fusion

This was my experience too, Max. I drank after two and a half years and within a week or so, the volume ramped straight back up to the previous intake. It was hellish struggling to restart sobriety. I believe my history of excessive drinking, has permanently adjusted my brain's 'pleasure centre' so that I can never be satisfied with a couple of drinks. It has an altered alcohol auto-pilot that kicks-in, if I listen to the AV and drink.

I believe I no longer have an off-switch, and that belief, makes staying sober preferable; and it starkly highlights the AVs chatter, as nothing but a web of lies.

Congratulations on 5 days!

Hodd

Sorry to hear that, Tatsy, but please continue to mention your experience as posts like yours have certainly educated me. I quit 18 months ago and things are great, but we’re all susceptible to a relapse if we’re not careful.

Sober45

This is my biggest fear. I'm on day 174, the longest quit I had before this was 53 days about 7 or 8 years ago. I was so scared it might kill me before I quit. Thank you for reminding me that moderation will never be possible.

Good luck on Day 6, Max.

MaximusD

Hodd, thanks for visiting. I am going to try to keep that relapsing far away as I just can't do it anymore. I will remember this post and come back to it if I get close.

MaximusD

Tatsy, of all the years I have been on forums like this (SB and before WQD) that is almost for everyone. Everyone always says if they relapse they go right back to where they left off. Crazy how addiction and our brains work.
Thank you sober45! It is true that moderation will never be possible and for years now I have decided that I don't really care about moderation anyway. I have never done it so don't need it. I don't really get all these people out drinking moderately. Seems like a waste of money and even a little alcohol is not needed and is poison as far as the body is concerned.

I woke up this morning and started feeling depressed again. I think it is because it is another day stuck at home and it is hot so ill be stuck inside with my son. I immedietly turned to thinking about gratitude. Being thank ful for what I have and being able to be home for my son. It worked!

biminiblue

Just like there are paired associations with, "This happened, so drink." So it is with, "I'm up, I'm depressed."

Great job flipping those thoughts - reframing them in a positive way. We are so lucky to live in this era with abundant food, energy, modern comfortable housing and communications. It's the best time ever to be alive.

Your son will appreciate sober dad. He is a precious one-time gift.

Anna

This is great progress and it's a great attitude to help you get through the tough days. You can do this, Max!

MaximusD

Wow. Today has been a turning point. I actually feel normal again. Went for a 2 mile walk with my son and we saw water birds and butterflies and lizards and sun flowers and tomatoes and airplanes and chickens and horses. (The reason I write it like that is that is the way it feels with a 2 year old ) I am starting to feel like I did during april and may when I quit for 60 days. Finding things to do despite being stuck at home. Still sucks its hot but my mood has improved. Sleep was still shotty last night but not bad. Anyway, things are so much better now on day 6. Funny thing is, I know this because I have done this so much. My withdrawals aren't as bad because I spend much of the year not drinking. The issue here is the cycle. Quit for 2 or 3 months, binge for a week and then do it all over again. Where I really need to watch out is once I have been sober a month or two. Funny thing though that bastard AV suggested that since I was finally feeling good I should celebrate with.....you guessed it....alcohol. That bastard pissed off real quick cause I almost slapped him in the face.

BoyRacer

We don’t know each other but in a lot of ways we are the same guy. Make your son the luckiest and most loved boy you can - even if you are struggling, just keep hanging on to him. Be the guy that both of us needed when we were growing up.

I won’t say “you got this” because nothing is ever certain - but if you keep trying, I’m gonna keep trying!

MaximusD

BoyRacer, Thank you so much for your post. Why don't we do it together. There is strength when quitters team up. I do have this! I am confident this time. I am done with this ****

MaximusD

Today was excellent. It's just really amazing how some sobriety can change things for the better. Tomorrow at 3:55pm will be a week!

Hodd

Here comes a cheesy reply, but every day is excellent when you don’t drink 😀

I wrote a post a few weeks ago to say I’d spent a rough night contemplating whether or not to empty the contents of my stomach after eating too much! I felt so grim the next day, but I was laughing about it. That next day feeling was how I felt every day as a drinker.

Sober45

This is the key for me....immediately turning my thinking. As soon as the AV kicks in, I divert to thoughts about something else. Right now its the movie and chocolate I have waiting for me after work. I'm also making chicken soup today which I love. Or I'll think about my now semi-flat midsection (always thought I was built to gain weight on my stomach but it was the booze!). If that doesn't work I go in the opposite direction and bring up the image of me standing in the basement pouring a glass of wine straight from the 50 litre glass carboy. The wine never made it to the bottles. It had also gone sour...but that didn't stop me...what a disturbing frightening image. After that exercise, I'm able to go back to drooling over my chocolate.

My drinking went into full swing when my daugther was in the 4th or 5th grade. She started having social issues and I didn't want to deal with it so I just drank every chance I got. But I was still functioning and being a "responsible adult" so I thought everything would work out. I felt I deserved that drink as a reward for having a "difficult" child.

I was wrong wrong wrong. This sober time I now have is bringing me clarity. I couldn't see then what I see now. And now I can't go back. Wow, writing this just makes me despise alcohol even more!

Hope you have another sober successful day!

Anna

I'm glad to hear you're doing so well, and having fun times with your son.

Since you are concerned that the cycle, drinking after a couple of months sober, might occur again, do what you can to prevent this. Be proactive. Fill your life with things you enjoy and people you love. Be kind to yourself every day and appreciate how far you've come. Make a plan that you can follow to prevent the cycle from happening again.

biminiblue

I'm gonna go ahead and say congrats on a week, Max.

I was going to AA meetings at a week sober and I remember saying, "A WEEK! Seven days - in a ROW!!!!" I was very happy and proud of myself. I know you are, too.

Keep it going.

Gabe1980

That is so awesome that you are starting to feel better Max and having more fulfilling days. It takes some time. I have been really up and down in the last six weeks but I'm still noticing those great things that we appreciate when we are sober...

You are doing a great job, especially in tell that AV to get to ****. As long as you keep doing that you'll be okay!

MaximusD

Hodd you are so right though, every day IS excellent when you don't drink. I laughed at the AV's attempt at pointing out something today

Sober, I am not looking forward to some of these things that I will have to deal with when he gets older like bullying relationships etc. I am going to have to remember that I can support him but he has to figure some things out on his own. I have found that when my AV speaks up I just have to get mad and tell it to **** off.

MaximusD

I am going to stay on here for one. I think that I get complacent once I have some sobriety in. My big takeaway this time is making sobriety a priority and protecting it with my life because it IS my life. I was in the army and I remember them saying "Complacency kills" In this case it is the same. I love how you are always telling everyone "What's your plan" because it is true, we need one!

I am proud but perhaps I should be prouder. Getting to a week is really not a big deal as most of my quits get to a week. Once 2 months and beyond hits that is when I will be getting to territory that I have not been in as often. I do need to be proud of any sobriety that I put together though which is why I am posting it here.

Thanks Gabe. Hope things are going better for you and you are getting some exercise.

MaximusD

I have reached one week! Now, I don't want to downplay this milestone but most of my quits make it to one week. It is later on like a month and beyond that I start to get into more uncharted waters. I have been quitting and relapsing for years and can't remember how long each quit is but I think they last for a few months maybe up to a max of 3-6. Either way, here and now I have a week and I am not drinking today. Last week at this time I was waking up with a hangover. This was not the worst of my hangover. I had stopped the previous afternoon. Couldn't really drink because I was feeling sick but powered through and kept my BAC up to avoid the coming hangover. Stopped late afternoon and wife came home. We went and got some food and on the way back the hangover nausea started to kick in. Got home and went to bed right away. Apparently the night before I had passed out on the couch at like 5. And the night before that. That night was like many of these nights after drinking and then quitting. Laying awake or just barely sleeping but waking up constantly with anxiety about what I had neglected to do with work or other things. Feeling sick all night not wanting the sun to come up. I have spent many a night like that before work trying to decide if I was going to call in sick or not as I have to do it early in the morning to give time for them to plan.

One thing is for damn sure, this morning I feel great and have some extra time so my son and I are going to go out for a workout. Most of the problems from the last drinking binge have resolved. I am lucky because I have not yet lost everything from drinking but you better damn well be I will if I weren't to stop. Luckily I have. I look forward to continued sobriety.

biminiblue

I hope you keep this journal going. It's important. You've helped me today, and I'm sure many many other people/lurkers who don't feel a need to hear themselves type.