FreeOwl

Improving, but not there yet.

I had typed a longer response and it didn't post.

So... I'll simply say, I'm here at SR. I'm seeing that I have developed patterns with weed that mirror patterns I've known all too well with alcohol. I do see that cannabis can have a beneficial 'not as bad as' role for addicts - especially with regard to transitioning off hard drugs or alcohol addictions, but I also agree that weed can be just as destructive to the lives of those of us who are alcoholic / addicts - just maybe in different and less obvious ways. But, addictive use of any addictive substance is a recipe for a life not lived in presence and depth and to our greatest spiritual and emotional fulfillment.

and so, the journey continues.

I did manage to transition to only one small amount of cannabis in a day - but at the same time, I still did have one each day.

I'm going to stay here, keep my head back in recovery, keep working at this and keep / get back to working my sobriety.

Thanks for checking in.

Dee74

Recovery is too precious to stop when you only have one hand free Free Owl.

D

Aellyce

It sounds a bit like you are practicing a form of harm reduction, FreeOwl. I think that's what I tried to do myself with the alcohol addiction in the past ~6 years, until 10 days ago, even if I didn't perceive it as harm reduction consciously. It was sufficient not to let my alcoholism spiral further, but it was stagnation, and so hard to maintain. Won't get into the details as they are irrelevant, but it was never satisfying and still hindered a lot of progress that I otherwise wished to make.

Why do you feel you need that one dose of cannabis per day now? Are you using it to treat something, or more just give in to cravings for it? If it's some kind of self-medication, have you looked into non-addictive alternatives? If just urges, then your issue may be similar to mine and it might help to learn new tools to handle them better. I just started using the SMART program to manage my urges 10 a week ago and it's already helped so much. Nothing I have heard from other programs and read here on SR have been very effective for me before to deal with my cavings, but this stuff finally works and now I feel much more confident and competent as well. Try to look for some new things you have not tried before, or perhaps knew of but have not truly applied.

biminiblue

I also have food issues. They're difficult, very difficult - and I can't just walk away from food. I have to play the moderation game with food but I'd give anything to be able to eliminate it entirely so I didn't have to suffer the push-pull-moremoremore that I get with food. It's truly a daily struggle - from which there is no escape, so I live with that. If you can play the moderation game with marijuana without the internal turmoil, then good for you.

I took benzos for years. Loved them. I took them as prescribed, never took more - but I also was drinking a lot more than my doctor knew.

Obviously I am also an alcoholic.

I quit drinking. I quit smoking cigarettes. I don't do any other recreational/escape drugs. I don't take any prescriptions (just thyroid.) Life is not that easy for me and I would LOVE to run and escape into a substance but I don't. I am no longer in bondage to a mind-altering substance that whispers its death call in my ear. Yeah, maybe one little bitty dose of marijuana wouldn't kill me. Maybe I could have one little bump of coke. Maybe I could have one drink. Maybe...FreeOwl, I'm sorry you're still locked in a cage with the lion. Truly.

The clarity that comes from continuous sobriety is so unbelievably sweet that I cannot imagine giving it up and risking everything again.

I hope you get to Day One soon. If that is truly what you're going for, I don't see why you're waiting. Can you explain that for us? If you're just trying to cut back - well, this is a sobriety forum.

SoberInCLE

FreeOwl, it's great you are fixing this issue now. I have a friend who is also an alcoholic and in his first real attempt at "sobriety", he became a daily smoker (again). It worked for years but then he went back to drinking and ended up with a second DUI and barely avoided jail time. He then recommitted to sobriety (no pot either) - about the same time as me - and I was very disappointed when I went home last year at xmas and he was smoking again (his new live-in girlfriend was a heavy smoker). I don't see how it doesn't end with him drinking again and it's a little scary.

Pot is definitely an addictive substance for some people and for me at least produced more mental issues than alcohol when I was trying to quit. Best of luck! It is very important.

thomas11

Hi FO, you of all people know what it needs to take to get back on track and I'm confident you will do it. Support to you my friend.

FreeOwl

Hey all... to answer some of the comments in summary form: I think what has happened is I've opened the door to a substance enough to 'treat' my emotional and spiritual state based on some challenging life shifts, that I've begun to experience some of the same addictive traits and trends that came with alcohol - albeit less 'destructively' but still clearly addictively.

I'm being honest about it here - but I'll also be honest that I'm seeing myself struggling.

It's the rationalizing - "hey, right now this is keeping you FROM drinking"...... "it doesn't impair you nearly like alcohol does / did". "It's got a lot of benefits!! (this last one is pretty clearly my AV using the recent boom in legalization and the ever-increasing societal narrative that cannabis is GOOD to help manipulate me).

Yes. CLEAN and Sober - to me - means not using cannabis.
Yes. I have in the past seen cannabis lead me to decisions to drink again.
Yes. This is a dumb and risky thing to engage in.
Yes.... I want my life to be free of this substance, too.
And yes..... I also see that I'm not fully committing to that freedom yet.

So - I'm not sharing here to encourage anyone to use cannabis or any substance or that it's a good idea or that it's OK. I'm sharing because it's my experience right now and I hope that sharing my experience will help me set this down and in the process perhaps help someone else learn from my experience.

None today. Did have some yesterday.

I am considering myself "Sober" from alcohol because to my own way of thinking, if I look at this as failure and non-sobriety it will be more discouraging and counter-productive to my sobriety. I know that doesn't 'fly' with some and that purist recovery folks will call me out as not sober. I accept and understand that.

Anyway, here's to a Sober Saturday and a day steering clear of any substance besides my coffee and my antidepressant.

And to anyone else who may be struggling with this weed-based recovery conundrum, let's keep our head in it, keep at it, keep choosing to embrace clarity and present living and LIFE at its fullest and focus on doing the next right thing....

biminiblue

Welcome to Day One.

Keep it going.

Aellyce

FreeOwl - is it the high from cannabis that you find it difficult to give up? Just asking because there are cannabis products without THC that can help some people with things like anxiety and sleep, which are non-intoxicating and non-addictive, if those are the benefits you want to have. If it's the high, I guess there is no other way but putting it down, much like alcohol. It can definitely be just as challenging as quitting drinking for some, if not even more.

Have a great sober Saturday!

FreeOwl

Nope, I'm pretty sure it's just self-medication of addiction. Stubborn AV.

Sober Sunday here.

Last night I was reflecting on a truth about addiction - I cannot be fully honest about an addiction from within it..... so any honest look at my use of cannabis has to come from a place of being free of its influence. So, step one = Day One.



I can see the ways in which cannabis is currently contributing to my life's unmanageability.

So, I know what to do!

biminiblue

Oh, I thought yesterday was Day One.

Well, keep it going. Have you flushed it?

FreeOwl

well, as with alcohol... I've had a number of day one's.

And as with alcohol - not having any 'on hand' isn't really helpful because it's freely available all over the place now.... even delivered right to one's door!

So it's down to the choice. Again.

Today, I choose to be free of cannabis AND sober...

biminiblue

Huh.

It was super helpful to me to make my home alcohol free. In Week One I got rid of the wine opener, the fancy glasses, the shot glasses, the fancy ice bucket, even the regular glasses that had become Margaritaville glasses. I threw out everything that pointed to cigarettes, too. No ashtrays, lighters, etc.

I think there is great Power in getting rid of it. Sounds like AV to me.

If you're done, you're Done.

FreeOwl

I agree... I've "got rid of it" more than once.

I have a cannabis using family member. My wife drinks occasionally. I have alcohol in the house with fair regularity but don't drink. I've had cannabis in the house during years-long periods without using it. You're right - if you're done, you're Done - regardless of accessibility.

biminiblue

Oh, that's right. Some people live WITH other people.

FreeOwl

lol....

Aellyce

I never stored alcohol in my home in the last ~15 years - if I had it, it surely ended inside my body quickly. But I think part of the reason it's good not to have our DOC in our home is because if we do, it can take only a few seconds to start using. In contrast, if we need to go out to get it, there is a time window for the urge to subside and we can add extra "roadblocks" to make it even more complicated. On poster on my recent thread suggested not having any cash or credit card when going out and I have been doing that ever since. It's not always feasible because if I leave for the whole day and have to deal with a variety of things on the go, it can be tricky without a credit card. But these days most of my outings are causal walks anyway, so it works quite well in an environment where there are liquor stores on every corner. It's not as advanced strategy as truly being able to resist an impulse and strong triggers mentally, but helpful in the beginning, I think.

BigShoe

Hey Owl, good for you.

I tried a bit of weed to help my sobriety (boy does that sound strange) and ended up drinking to help with the paranoia. I kept wondering if I was addicted to weed and only used booze to smoke or addicted to booze and used weed to drink.

turns out I just craved oblivion.

you seem to have a good sense of the map and where you are and where you would like to be.

sober day!

FreeOwl

The first time I took a 'real' run at sobriety, I was still smoking weed from time to time, which led to daily, which led to drinking.

Here I am again.....

But, not drinking. Observing my use of cannabis and seeing clearly the parallels between it and drinking.

It's not 'as bad' - and so I'm able to rationalize more.

Yet, yesterday was another Day One turned day none by a very casually-considered "ahh, what the heck... tomorrow".

And just like that - I proved to myself yet again that while it may not be 'as bad' in its impact..... it is just as much in control of my mind.

I am powerless over cannabis. My life has become unmanageable.

I believe there is a power greater than myself that can restore me to sanity.

Today, I turn my will and my life over to that power as I understand it.

anxiousrock

Since weed is legal here now I unfortunately know of quite a few people addicted. My fiance is and always has been.
I admit to trying it, for my anxiety. Unfortunately I immediately had a panic attack, couldn't walk (dizzy), fiancé had to carry me outside for air, I swayed back and forth like a crazy person for about a half hour before he had to put me in the bed because I thought I was going to vomit and I couldn't stay upright.
It amazes me people think weed is nothing... it's a mind altering drug to me.
Best option is to stay far away.