Miserable. I cannot stop.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 98
Miserable. I cannot stop.
I am a mama to two amazing babies. A little girl that is two and a one month old little boy. I have struggled off and on the last few years with binge drinking but never like I have postpartum since having my son. I have been drinking daily to cope with anxiety but am so so deeply ashamed I cannot being myself to admit this to my loving and supportive husband. He will be Devastated and so disappointed, I fear he would even leave me and take the kids and I couldn’t live with myself if that happened.
I don’t know what to do because talking to a doctor means admitting this to my husband and I just simply cannot do that at this point. I am desperate to stop. It only been 3 weeks of drinking but it was like once I allowed myself once glass of wine after my son was born I just haven’t been able to stop. I have seen so much support here on this forum and website and decided to join today to seek some support. I know most will encourage me to go to the doctor and tell my husband but I simply would rather die of shame...I would love to try to taper down and eventually quit but everytime I try I start having trouble sleeping and such bad anxiety I go back to the bottle.
I don’t know what to do because talking to a doctor means admitting this to my husband and I just simply cannot do that at this point. I am desperate to stop. It only been 3 weeks of drinking but it was like once I allowed myself once glass of wine after my son was born I just haven’t been able to stop. I have seen so much support here on this forum and website and decided to join today to seek some support. I know most will encourage me to go to the doctor and tell my husband but I simply would rather die of shame...I would love to try to taper down and eventually quit but everytime I try I start having trouble sleeping and such bad anxiety I go back to the bottle.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 98
Also I am planning to call my OB tomorrow and at least tell her about the anxiety, I feel as if it is postpartum related and what started the urge to drink in the first place...praying maybe she can give some advice on therapy and also medicine that may make the ability to stop easier also without having to go full on into a rehab or something, I’m not at that point. Like I said it’s been daily and heavy for three weeks but has been totally triggered by anxiety and honestly sleep deprivation from a new baby and keeping up with a toddler...not saying that makes it right but I know those are my triggers at this point.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Oh, honey. Tell the doctor. It's not an unusual or shameful thing.
The doctor may be able to just refer you to counseling and/or give you some medication to ease your anxiety. Be honest with the doctor about your drinking so you don't get prescribed something that can hurt you if you drink. The doctor wants to help you.
You absolutely CAN quit. Yes, there is a lot of anxiety for a few days, but it passes. It's just uncomfortable.
The doctor may be able to just refer you to counseling and/or give you some medication to ease your anxiety. Be honest with the doctor about your drinking so you don't get prescribed something that can hurt you if you drink. The doctor wants to help you.
You absolutely CAN quit. Yes, there is a lot of anxiety for a few days, but it passes. It's just uncomfortable.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
Welcome. I combined your two threads in one place so you would get more responses.
Pllease don't let the shame and guilt prevent you from seeking help with your doctor.
Many of us here have self-medicated anxiety and depression using alcohol. You can get past this. And, we are here to support you.
Pllease don't let the shame and guilt prevent you from seeking help with your doctor.
Many of us here have self-medicated anxiety and depression using alcohol. You can get past this. And, we are here to support you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,424
My wife suffered from a lot of anxiety in the weeks following the birth of our son, but it soon passed. I didn't understand a lot of it, but it was obviously a difficult time for her.
Soon after I quit, I found that much of the anxiety and stress I had felt so strongly had just been reinforced by the cycle of drinking and weren't nearly as bad as I had convinced myself that they were.
Your husband may be like my wife. She always knew, and always wanted to help, but just had no idea how.
Soon after I quit, I found that much of the anxiety and stress I had felt so strongly had just been reinforced by the cycle of drinking and weren't nearly as bad as I had convinced myself that they were.
Your husband may be like my wife. She always knew, and always wanted to help, but just had no idea how.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
I just wanted to send love and support to you pink, it sounds like you are having a really tough time. Addiction is such a difficult thing to battle with and we often need help to stop. I hope you can find what you need to be able to stop.
I know the shame can be debilitating but you deserve some compassion, especially from yourself
xxx
I know the shame can be debilitating but you deserve some compassion, especially from yourself
xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 146
I spent a long time drinking when I didn’t want to be because I didn’t ask for the help I needed, which for me included telling my husband. I was terrified he was going to leave me once he knew the extent of it all plus the extent of all I had gotten up to while I was drinking. It wasn’t an easy conversation, and I wish I had had it with him years before I did when my child was still small. I couldn’t address my shame while keeping those secrets and the shame made me want to drink. You deserve a good experience with your baby that isn’t mired in bad feelings surrounding drinking. I hope you do whatever it is you need to.
Love to you.
Love to you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
HI and welcome to SR. Please don't feel embarrassed to speak with your doctor. Also, your husband probably already knows, it is really hard to hide it from those closest to us even if we think they don't know. He will surely just want to support you. having 2 babies isn't easy and surely he will want to support you. My anxiety reduces to almost zero when I quit drinking
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
hello pinkbutterfly,
yes, the doctor can prescribe something for anxiety and to help with stopping, but in order to do that, the doc needs a cleaer picture, so as not to do harm.
please be honest with your doc....i know it's easy to say and tough to do.
we don't die of shame nearly as easily as we think we might.
get the help you deserve.
yes, the doctor can prescribe something for anxiety and to help with stopping, but in order to do that, the doc needs a cleaer picture, so as not to do harm.
please be honest with your doc....i know it's easy to say and tough to do.
we don't die of shame nearly as easily as we think we might.
get the help you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,059
My heart goes out to you. I can hear that desperation and remember it well. I am so pleased you have come here quickly and asked for help before things get worse, which they can and probably would.
As others have said there is no shame in telling your Dr, what you are doing is self medicating, not drinking to party. Once you are on the correct medication for PND and with support I am sure things will be so much better.
This is a blip in the road and soon you will be looking back on it as just that.
Pleased to meet you Pink.
As others have said there is no shame in telling your Dr, what you are doing is self medicating, not drinking to party. Once you are on the correct medication for PND and with support I am sure things will be so much better.
This is a blip in the road and soon you will be looking back on it as just that.
Pleased to meet you Pink.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Pink,
For me, the irony of alcohol was that it drove my anxiety through the roof. With the alcohol removed, I was able to manage what remained. I didn’t know until I quit just how much alcohol contributed to my misery.
Best wishes.
-bora
For me, the irony of alcohol was that it drove my anxiety through the roof. With the alcohol removed, I was able to manage what remained. I didn’t know until I quit just how much alcohol contributed to my misery.
Best wishes.
-bora
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 98
Thank you all so much for the encouragement and positivity, I knew I would find that here. I have had a few drinks this morning to crib the anxiety but am planning to call my doctor tomorrow when they are open to speak candidly with her about all of this. My husband is leaving for a work trip this afternoon and his mother is coming to stay to help me with the kids which is causing more anxiety but actually may be helpful in leading me to stay away from drinking! Just so tired of feeling anxious and tired and fearful of physical symptoms, I know I need professional help!
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Welcome, Pinkbutterfly!
For my wife and me, AA meetings were an important part of our early recovery. Eight sober years later, I still go to meetings but she does not. For you,I think it would be a good idea to see what resources are available and give AA a try--the meetings are all on-line due to COVID-19. Here is just one link with frequent meetings (Pacific time zone), but I suggest you try to see if your local group has Zoom meetings.
https://eastsideaa.org/meetings/?tsml-type=ONL
For my wife and me, AA meetings were an important part of our early recovery. Eight sober years later, I still go to meetings but she does not. For you,I think it would be a good idea to see what resources are available and give AA a try--the meetings are all on-line due to COVID-19. Here is just one link with frequent meetings (Pacific time zone), but I suggest you try to see if your local group has Zoom meetings.
https://eastsideaa.org/meetings/?tsml-type=ONL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I'm glad that you are reaching out for support - that is key. Talking to your doc is smart and practical. Your anxiety will get better the longer you stay away from the alcohol. And I agree; your husband probably already knows. The most important thing is that YOU know and that you want to change. So glad that you found us all here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 98
Checking in this morning. My mother in law is here while my husband had to travel for a few days for work and she stayed up with the baby last night and gave him bottles so I could sleep...I haven’t had a full night sleep in weeks and not just because of the baby but because of the insomnia from drinking. Last night I slept nearly the entire night. It was amazing. I am up now and feeling the anxiety kick in, feeling the craving to grab a drink to ward off the shakes.
I have to take my daughter to her two year old dr appt this morning so I cannot give in. I have to fight this urge and remember why I want to stop this cycle!
I have to take my daughter to her two year old dr appt this morning so I cannot give in. I have to fight this urge and remember why I want to stop this cycle!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by boreas 
Pink,
For me, the irony of alcohol was that it drove my anxiety through the roof. With the alcohol removed, I was able to manage what remained. I didn’t know until I quit just how much alcohol contributed to my misery.
Best wishes.
-bora
For me, the irony of alcohol was that it drove my anxiety through the roof. With the alcohol removed, I was able to manage what remained. I didn’t know until I quit just how much alcohol contributed to my misery.
Best wishes.
-bora
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 98
Originally Posted by Kaily
My heart goes out to you. I can hear that desperation and remember it well. I am so pleased you have come here quickly and asked for help before things get worse, which they can and probably would.
As others have said there is no shame in telling your Dr, what you are doing is self medicating, not drinking to party. Once you are on the correct medication for PND and with support I am sure things will be so much better.
This is a blip in the road and soon you will be looking back on it as just that.
Pleased to meet you Pink.
As others have said there is no shame in telling your Dr, what you are doing is self medicating, not drinking to party. Once you are on the correct medication for PND and with support I am sure things will be so much better.
This is a blip in the road and soon you will be looking back on it as just that.
Pleased to meet you Pink.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
This has not been mentioned yet and I am concerned....
A Dr. is the most widely accepted answer and the one that legally needs to be given.
In my experience...
While admitting I have a drinking problem to a Dr. and the world may have gotten me clean, it may have also made things worse.
Mixing meds with booze is a next level buzz and then takes the addict into another level of hell on earth.
Once I "come out" to the world I have a drinking problem, I will wear that like a tatoo on my face forever.
Obviously, I will never be allowed to drink in public again and as a struggling addict without established internal control, I could go into hide drinking.
When I quit I didn't want to tell anyone. I asked my wife to not make a big deal out of it. She blabbed to everyone anytime booze came up.
She gave me plenty of chances to relapse, offering me sips of drinks, suggesting just have 1 etc. But, I was convicted and I made it this far.
90% of the anxiety I had was caused by decades of drinking. Besides that, it was more than just anxiety. I was experiencing clinical insanity, but I knew that cause. Understanding that was half the battle. I was ready to suffered in a mental and physical earthly dungeon, off and on, for well over 3 years. The good thing was I could feel healing by the moment. But, it took a long long long time.
You are in a great position to suffer. Post partum depression, ppd, is real and everyone will understand if you need to cry it out, get counseling etc.
Obviously, addiction is real, but it is different from PPD in that the label never comes off.
I just wanted to offer you something to think about in case you think the rx pills are the answer. Addiction to rx meds is real and compounding them with booze is another level of hell on earth.
Hope this helps.
Get well.
Thanks.
A Dr. is the most widely accepted answer and the one that legally needs to be given.
In my experience...
While admitting I have a drinking problem to a Dr. and the world may have gotten me clean, it may have also made things worse.
Mixing meds with booze is a next level buzz and then takes the addict into another level of hell on earth.
Once I "come out" to the world I have a drinking problem, I will wear that like a tatoo on my face forever.
Obviously, I will never be allowed to drink in public again and as a struggling addict without established internal control, I could go into hide drinking.
When I quit I didn't want to tell anyone. I asked my wife to not make a big deal out of it. She blabbed to everyone anytime booze came up.
She gave me plenty of chances to relapse, offering me sips of drinks, suggesting just have 1 etc. But, I was convicted and I made it this far.
90% of the anxiety I had was caused by decades of drinking. Besides that, it was more than just anxiety. I was experiencing clinical insanity, but I knew that cause. Understanding that was half the battle. I was ready to suffered in a mental and physical earthly dungeon, off and on, for well over 3 years. The good thing was I could feel healing by the moment. But, it took a long long long time.
You are in a great position to suffer. Post partum depression, ppd, is real and everyone will understand if you need to cry it out, get counseling etc.
Obviously, addiction is real, but it is different from PPD in that the label never comes off.
I just wanted to offer you something to think about in case you think the rx pills are the answer. Addiction to rx meds is real and compounding them with booze is another level of hell on earth.
Hope this helps.
Get well.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,059
A good nights sleep must of been like a breath of fresh air. How great that your mother in law is there to help with the babies. With that support in place I hope you will be able to ride out the anxiety/cravings and get beyond that immediate need for a drink. As you say breaking the cycle is exactly what you need to do!
I hope you are going to talk to your own Dr today. Tell her how you are really feeling, don't try and hide anything.
Above all else, don't drink no matter what. You will get through this.
I hope you are going to talk to your own Dr today. Tell her how you are really feeling, don't try and hide anything.
Above all else, don't drink no matter what. You will get through this.
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