I'm back for good this time...
 

DENIAL

I put those words first because I was in DENIAL, I cant ever drink again.

Long story short I got drunk and smashed my whole flat/apartment up.

Underlying issues for sure ... But one of those issues I am an alcoholic.

I suffer from depression, and recently I've been having some nostalgia ( not drink related) just childhood, friends, old friends, good times, dad times .

It got me good, I consider my self a mentally strong person, stronger than most. But I can't fight alcoholism, as much as I want to. I've tried and failed for 8 years now , I'm only 30.

I really need help

James.

Someone who claims to be mentally stronger than most doesn't get sloshed and destroy their home.

Not trying to be a jerk, but denial, in all caps, was in your first sentence. None of us are unique in this whole thing... just a bunch of drunks.

Welcome back though, brother. You should join us in the Class of June 2020 thread.

I came back here recently too after a horrific bender. I can relate, as all of us can.

Welcome back James90. Keep posting at SR. It really does make a difference and can be a great help. I did the smashing up the flat thing years ago, back in January 2006, and was lucky not to be sectioned (the neighbours called the police who took me to a place of safety because I was threatening to harm myself). Thankfully I've never been that bad since and some of that is having somewhere like SR to act as a safety valve. That and a long period of sobriety given how much I frightened myself at the time.

How are you feeling at this moment?

mentally strong is fighting an addiction for so long whilst working , pretending to friends and family , fighting depression and still smiling. I'm strong but not that strong. I appreciate your comment, but didnt find it useful at all

None the less.

I'm okay thanks, depressed but only due to the drink, ashamed, annoyed. Just upset I've let it get this way again. I'm so much better than this.

I need help this time, cant do it alone

yes, denial is a huge thing and can play in so many different, manipulative ways, from a simple outright”nah, not me, not that!” to a million little tiny minimizations, comparisons, dismissals.

one way to combat it is singleness of purpose, kept up front.
and then add to that what helps you keep that going.

glad you’re here.

I have several holes in my walls from a year ago. I don't remember why I was punching holes. I also may have thrown a plate of food against the wall. I was blackout drunk. I must have been venting pent up anger, which only surfaces after too much to drink.

I am currently coming up on 2 weeks sober and have no feelings of anger whatsoever. Alcohol is terrible for mental health and only exacerbates any pre-existing conditions like depression and anxiety. Don't fret too much about trashing the apartment. It can be cleaned. Happens to the best of us.

Congratulations on a good decision, James. Fighting alcohol is getting in a cage with a tiger. Quit getting in the cage. You never have to drink again.

Welcome back James90 :)

Yeah for me things got a lot better when I accepted I couldn't beat this by drinking - you beat it by not drinking.

D

Welcome back James90. Glad you’re back!

When you say “I really need help” this tells me that in your heart you are ready for sobriety.
Notice, I didn’t worry about what you’re thinking. No one gives a bleep about whats going on in your head.
Thinking never got us sober.

If you’re feeling low and defeated and tired you may be ready to surrender to the marvellous world of sobriety. That can only happen in your heart. (In my humble opinion)

Come join us. Be among the living.

It’ll be so much better than drunken misery.

Once you accept you’re powerless over alcohol you can recover in my experience. The only way you can ‘beat’ alcoholism is through surrender and accepting you can never beat it in my experience. The sober life is a wonderful life. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams thanks to my sobriety and getting recovered from alcoholism on a daily basis.

Welcome James, I'm glad you are here, you are among friends I promise.
Admitting you need help is massive in itself - do you have a plan in mind?
Love Billy
x

Hi James and welcome back.

I echo what Brighterday says.

I was in denial for many years. I think most alcoholics are. I tried and tried and tried to control my drinking but it's an unattainable task for an alcoholic and because alcoholism is progressive it just gets worse until we are doing things like smashing up our homes amongst other stuff.

I had to surrender. I admitted completel defeat. I had to stop getting in the ring with alcohol. It knocked me down every time and it's only goal was to keep me down there. I kept getting back up but after my last binge I had to hold my hands up and say I am done. 2 years sober now and if I ever get back in the ring with alcohol I don't think I will get back up next time.

Surrender. Acceptance. Then willingness to do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. Find a mental defence against the FIRST drink. It is the first drink that does the damage and the only drink that we need to stay away from, one day at a time.

I never thought I would get sober. i lived to drink. But recovery is possible, I am living proof, with the grace of a loving God, AA and SR today I am free from the chains of alcohol.

Stay close my friend

🙏❤🙏

James I have just read some of your old posts.

Have you ever tried working the 12 steps. Omg, they are absolutely amazing, they are changing me as a person. I used to live in the past and constantly worry about the future. The steps have taught me to live in the present. I rarely look back at my past anymore, I neither regret it nor wish to close the door on it and I am now excited not fearful about my future. The steps have helped me to get rid of old resentments, to face my fears head on, to let go of selfish and self seeking motives, to help others, to be GRATEFUL every single day for what I have not miserably and full of self pity for what I don't have. Working the steps has quite literally changed my life.

❤🙏❤

Thanks for the reply guys. Feeling mildly better today, though last night/yesterday is slightly blurred, Probably for the best .

No anxiety or depression this morning though I guess I am still half cut. Should be intresting getting up and facing the world shortly.

Have a good breakfast if you can face it and a nice strong cup of tea (or coffee). What time did you finish drinking yesterday? It can take a few days to get all the alcohol out of the system, especially if you don't eat properly as the effects linger on for much longer.

Welcome back James :)

2 in the morning probably . Breakfast ain't happening, maybe toast. In the stage now where I'm happy but hungover as I'm still wasted. Reality will probably kick in later on.

Already know I've let so many people down, what's worse is they've been proven right yet again. It's so embarrassing.

Welcome back.

Toast is better than nothing. My mother swears by dry toast being good for you. It's especially true if you have an upset stomach.

If you haven't anything planned then maybe have a lazy day? Post here at SR, stretch out on the settee, take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. Us alcoholics love to beat ourselves up (not literally of course!) by being too hard on ourselves. Half the time that provides the excuse to drink again next time.