Dealing with my sister's alcoholism
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 1
Dealing with my sister's alcoholism
I can't believe that I am writing on an anonymous forum, but I don't know where else to turn to for support or advice. I'm sure this story is familiar to many people here, so feel free to not read on, but I just feel so alone in all this, and at a real crossroads in my life.
My sister has abused alcohol since she was a teenager; she's now in her fifties. She has always denied she has a problem with alcohol even though she has got done for DUI, had numerous visits to hospital for falls when she got drunk, and has been so nasty to me, really lashing out and saying or texting the most vile things, and usually not remembering the next day - and never apologising or even acknowledging she had been so hurtful. I would try to have conversations about her drinking, but they usually ended in her telling me to stop worrying, or occasionally in her shouting at me that I was a loser with no life of my own, who just wanted to interfere in hers etc etc. She once took an overdose and called me from hospital in the middle of the night. When I went down she was still denying that anything was wrong, but I lost it and told her I wouldn't cover for her anymore. The next day she agreed that she needed to do something and then joined AA and embraced it all with evangelical enthusiasm. It was so brilliant to have my sister back, but this just lasted a few months. I got counselling to help myself deal better with my sister’s drinking. I knew that talking to her about how I worried or cared about the effect it was having on her health would just ruin what relationship we had, and I didn't want to be constantly thinking of her and whether she had fallen, or had turned up at work smelling of alcohol. It has kind of worked; although I still worry, I have rarely said anything to her. Thing is, when she's sober she can be so caring and fun, but it feels like a trap, because when she's drunk, she throws everything back in your face.
Now, she has just cut me out of her life, because I chose not to stay when we were at an event and she started shouting at me when she was drunk. For the first time ever, I just decided to leave and not to try to smooth things over as I couldn't face an afternoon with her and her boyfriend getting more drunk and abusive. The next day she told me that I have been an awful sister for the last 2 years, always criticising her, thinking I was 'so f**king superior’ to her, and to get out of her life. And so this is where I am at now. No contact for weeks, even though she lives 10 minutes away. At first, I felt like I had been bereaved again. There is only my brother and her left in our family and I am just sad that I can’t have my sister in my life. I also feel guilty because I am relieved that I am not dealing with her drama just now. I want to get on with my own life – whatever that means, but I feel a 'duty' to stay around to check all is okay and to be here if she needs me. But it's not really doing me any good. I need to be able to accept that even if or when she is in touch again, she will probably always choose alcohol over me. That feels like giving up on her though. Any advice would be appreciated.
My sister has abused alcohol since she was a teenager; she's now in her fifties. She has always denied she has a problem with alcohol even though she has got done for DUI, had numerous visits to hospital for falls when she got drunk, and has been so nasty to me, really lashing out and saying or texting the most vile things, and usually not remembering the next day - and never apologising or even acknowledging she had been so hurtful. I would try to have conversations about her drinking, but they usually ended in her telling me to stop worrying, or occasionally in her shouting at me that I was a loser with no life of my own, who just wanted to interfere in hers etc etc. She once took an overdose and called me from hospital in the middle of the night. When I went down she was still denying that anything was wrong, but I lost it and told her I wouldn't cover for her anymore. The next day she agreed that she needed to do something and then joined AA and embraced it all with evangelical enthusiasm. It was so brilliant to have my sister back, but this just lasted a few months. I got counselling to help myself deal better with my sister’s drinking. I knew that talking to her about how I worried or cared about the effect it was having on her health would just ruin what relationship we had, and I didn't want to be constantly thinking of her and whether she had fallen, or had turned up at work smelling of alcohol. It has kind of worked; although I still worry, I have rarely said anything to her. Thing is, when she's sober she can be so caring and fun, but it feels like a trap, because when she's drunk, she throws everything back in your face.
Now, she has just cut me out of her life, because I chose not to stay when we were at an event and she started shouting at me when she was drunk. For the first time ever, I just decided to leave and not to try to smooth things over as I couldn't face an afternoon with her and her boyfriend getting more drunk and abusive. The next day she told me that I have been an awful sister for the last 2 years, always criticising her, thinking I was 'so f**king superior’ to her, and to get out of her life. And so this is where I am at now. No contact for weeks, even though she lives 10 minutes away. At first, I felt like I had been bereaved again. There is only my brother and her left in our family and I am just sad that I can’t have my sister in my life. I also feel guilty because I am relieved that I am not dealing with her drama just now. I want to get on with my own life – whatever that means, but I feel a 'duty' to stay around to check all is okay and to be here if she needs me. But it's not really doing me any good. I need to be able to accept that even if or when she is in touch again, she will probably always choose alcohol over me. That feels like giving up on her though. Any advice would be appreciated.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Hi and welcome to SR. All you can do is focus on yourself and your wellbeing. It is good to read you have got counselling and are taking steps to look after yourself. no one deserves to put up with vile abuse, whether from a sibling or anybody. You have no duty towards anyone who treats you like that. Your duty is to yourself and to look after you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
Welcome to the family. 
It seems to be best if you go no contact with her, at least, for a while. It's stressful on you to be dragged into her conflicts and problems. I'd suggest you find some support for yourself, like our Friends and Family forums, and/or AlAnon in your area. Take care of yourself. 
It seems to be best if you go no contact with her, at least, for a while. It's stressful on you to be dragged into her conflicts and problems. I'd suggest you find some support for yourself, like our Friends and Family forums, and/or AlAnon in your area. Take care of yourself. 
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,493
Welcome and I'm sorry about your situation with your sister.
You said you need to accept that if or when your sister is in touch with you again, that she will likely choose alcohol over you. You could choose to accept that it's best for you to not have contact with her. You could focus on yourself and let go of your relationship with your sister unless and until she shows long-term sobriety. I hope that she will make the choice to help herself, but as you know, you can't make that happen. Have you considered AlAnon as a support for you?
You said you need to accept that if or when your sister is in touch with you again, that she will likely choose alcohol over you. You could choose to accept that it's best for you to not have contact with her. You could focus on yourself and let go of your relationship with your sister unless and until she shows long-term sobriety. I hope that she will make the choice to help herself, but as you know, you can't make that happen. Have you considered AlAnon as a support for you?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Hi. This one hits close to home. I was in similar space with my kid sister. Last year I had to put up boundaries for my own sanity and wellness. It wasn't healthy to be in relationship with her in her alcoholism. I made it clear to her I would absolutely be there for her when she was ready to get help. I sent a couple of cards reinforcing my love for her. I participated in an intervention to let her know how much I did care and love her.
She died in March.
I feel for you. It is a heart-wrenching place to be. In my experience, losing her has come with a lot of 'what if's' and some guilt and shame I have to confront and work through. I wish I'd been able to hold her once more. To hug her. To help her. To save her somehow....
but, I couldn't.
In my experience, I set up boundaries because the pain and the disruption of maintaining ties was unhealthy and I could see that to continue participating in her patterns of illness was to be a part of perpetuating them.
I wish you all the best.... it's a terrible place to be for you and your sister both.
Follow your heart and your intuition - and also know that when dealing with an addict, it is entirely OK to set boundaries and to honor them for yourself. And, in fact, that is often the most honoring and helping thing you can do for the addict as well.
She died in March.
I feel for you. It is a heart-wrenching place to be. In my experience, losing her has come with a lot of 'what if's' and some guilt and shame I have to confront and work through. I wish I'd been able to hold her once more. To hug her. To help her. To save her somehow....
but, I couldn't.
In my experience, I set up boundaries because the pain and the disruption of maintaining ties was unhealthy and I could see that to continue participating in her patterns of illness was to be a part of perpetuating them.
I wish you all the best.... it's a terrible place to be for you and your sister both.
Follow your heart and your intuition - and also know that when dealing with an addict, it is entirely OK to set boundaries and to honor them for yourself. And, in fact, that is often the most honoring and helping thing you can do for the addict as well.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
