Not doing so well
 

I'm coming off a 2 week bender. That's pretty much what my drinking has been like the last 2 years. Go on a soul crushing bender for weeks, get sick, sober up a few days and right back at it.

I was sober yesterday only because I was so violently ill I literally could not pick up. Just threw up for 10 straight hours. Last night I could not sleep so I just laid in bed in a pool of sweat.

This morning I finally ate something and immediately took a shot of vodka just to not feel withdrawals.

My life is pure hell. Took 15 years, but I have absolutely nothing left. Vehicle was my last personal possession, but I had to sell it before it was repo'd.

In my mid 30s and I'm living upstairs at my parents. Absolutely not functional. No friends. I don't know where to go from here. Almost never leave my room which has bottles of cheap vodka hidden all over. Haven't changed my clothes or showered or anything in 2 weeks.

Can't stand to look in the mirror because all I see is a slithering creature I dont recognize.

I'm sorry to hear of your plight. Can you borrow money from your parents to go to doctor?

A lot of us had to wave the white flag of surrender when alcohol had us beat.

If you cannot quit on your own, how about talking to a doctor about it? You may be able to do an at-home medically assisted detox at little cost.

After detox, it's 100% entirely up to you to stay quit.

We can be support in that part.

I hope you make the decision today.

Detox generally takes 3 to 4 days to get the poison out of the body. Remember one day at a time. The alcohol is not the answer. I know. I am only on day 4....Please get help, see a Dr, see a free clinic, go to AA. Just try it.

I think the borrowing money bridge has been completely burned.

I've put my parents through hell since I've been 21. I'm so incredibly grateful and blessed to have them in my life.

I am ashamed of myself that I had that shot of vodka this morning, but need to calm myself down a bit. I need to do something drastically different and figured gathering up the courage to post here would be beneficial. People who understand what it's like.

I'm really sorry that you're struggling so much and feeling miserable. I know that it can feel hopeless at a time like that. But, when you look around here, you will see that there is always hope and that you can do this.

I think an AA meeting might be very helpful. AA meetings are all online now. Here is a link, and there are meetings starting in the next hour or so. You will need to download Zoom, which just takes a few seconds. It works if you work it!

https://eastsideaa.org/meetings/?tsml-type=ONL

(These meetings are near Seattle in the Pacific time zone).

Thank you for the replies everyone.

Maybe I really am that low bottom drunk (that never thought he was but is) and this is exactly what I need to change my life for once.

I've been to 4 inpatient treatment centers in various states when I was employed and had insurance. Ran away from all but 2. Last place was world class and I actually completed 90 days there and was sober for almost 8 months.

I made a horrible decision to leave sober living and come home. Been a real downward spiral since then... :c025:

Thanks, I'll give it a shot. Do you have to use video chat though? Not comfortable with that.

That was me. I had a seizure from acute alcohol withdrawal which can be fatal without medical intervention and still went right back at it after they had fixed me up. I had to go to rehab to protect me from myself. I needed to be somewhere that alcohol absolutely was not available. no matter what, no matter how, so that I could get enough sober time to assume responsibility of protecting me from myself. After 30 days the physical addiction was gone, at which point the ball was in my court to deal with the mental addiction. I no longer had even a flicker of an excuse. If I thought otherwise, the real excuse was always to be found in the mirror.

You don't have to use video, you can select to turn video off at the beginning.

The zoom meetings really helped. As someone who just went through the first 10 days or so I can say without a doubt that they help. You posted here so keep that up. This site is a HUGH part of it. Holding yourself accountable makes a difference. Jump head first into trying to stay sober. Like someone said above wave the white flag and go for it.

I'm still motivated!!! you gotta just do it. No pride or ego just wide open hit your knees and give in to trying to get better.

Yes, indeed.

Severe withdraw is like stepping into an actual nightmare. I haven't had any seizures, except for like mild flinching. Hard to explain.

I have experienced hallucinations before. I've thought I heard voices or animal like sounds that weren't really there (still not sure).

I know one night when I quit drinking after a very long bender I saw a person standing over my bed and I immediately jumped up with my fists flying. Nothing was there.

Really scary stuff.

There is one meeting starting right now, and three in half an hour.

edit: Don't go to the meeting now, the secretary didn't show up and it;'s a bit disorganized.

Okay great. Going to download the app now. Thanks again.

I couldn't find the password, but I have the app installed and ready to go.

None of the three 10:00 AM PDT meetings seem to require passwords. You should be able to sign in now.

I am in a Similar situation, Puckluck. I go on 2-3 week benders, sober up for a week or two, then eventually go into another bender. I've lost everything pretty much. I am fortunate that my family is somewhat wealthy and money is no issue. But I am a mess. Just returned 100 empty beer cans for the deposit. I am on Day 7 sober. You have to start somewhere. The first week is gonna be rough, but you have to detox sometime.

Thanks for the reply man. I read your post earlier and it hit home because it's so similar to the mess I am in. Grats on 7 days.

My family is somewhat wealthy too, but they flat out refused to continue to help me with my bills. I understood that.

I actually had a career once upon a time and was fairly good with my finances, but when everything went to hell and I ended up in the hospital without insurance it all started to pile up quickly. Credit card and medical bills in collections, couldn't make a car payment...

I hate to say it but I am ridiculously manipulative when it comes to getting money for alcohol. And usually get my way. Makes me sick, but it is what it is.

Sorry to hear that things are bad but there's plenty of people here (like myself) who have turned things around from similar
situations- it can be done.