In need of help & advice - first post

Old 05-27-2020, 04:28 PM
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Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 4
Exclamation In need of help & advice - first post

Dear all,

This is my first time writing on any sort of website like this. I feel I have lost hope. It's my nineteenth birthday in a few weeks, I should be thrilled. With an alcoholic father and covid-19 leaving me no forms of escapism I'm not exactly sure how this birthday will go. I've come on here to try and find people who I can relate to who aren't my friends and family. I wish to exchange thoughts and feelings and ask peoples advice on how to try and cope or help with my dads severe alcoholism because I feel I am approaching some sort of breaking point, (if that's even possible at 18). I don't want to ever appear to be seeking attention or not coming from a place of honesty or this is some elaborated sob story. How personal do people get on here? I mean I know it's anonymous but can I really just flat out say what's happening day to day and expect people to respond? To put it simply, I can finally feel the affects of living with my alcoholic father and the trauma I have been subject too is catching up with me. He is a generous, hardworking, funny man contradicted with his drunk alter ego which consists of manipulation, aggression and paranoia. He is my dad and I love him but he is so unpredictable I have to live like I am walking on eggshells. I'm not sure what to do. He has been to rehabilitation centres many times, even before I was born, admitted himself into therapy or help centres then left, we've asked him to leave home, he leaves then comes back, we want him to stay. This sound familiar to people? I am so fortunate that I even have a family or a dad but I feel his actions are so severe, thread by thread the labels of "father" are being removed. Recently my anxieties have widened and filled every corner of my life. Hmm I wonder why? This is already therapeutic just writing my thoughts down and no ones even read it yet (if they will). This has been random but I need something new and an outsiders perspective into my situation because it is getting seriously bad.

Even if you just want to ask questions please do, or explain your situation and I can ask questions? I'm not sure how this works but I'm willing to give anything new a try, especially because I can't access therapy at the moment.


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Old 05-27-2020, 04:52 PM
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Location: Dancing in the Light
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Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation with your father.

I assume that you live at home, and are 'at home' during this pandemic. This must make your situation so much more difficult. Please know you are not alone and we do understand how difficult this is for you. I'm sorry that you are experiencing so much anxiety. That's not good for anyone. You said you've asked him to leave the home and he's returned. Is your mother involved in asking him to leave and is it her who allows him back?

As I'm sure you know there is little you can do to help your father. What you can do is to take care of yourself. If you have a Counsellor at School/College or university that might be helpful and you might also consider therapy for yourself to help you cope with the situation and the anxiety.

This is a list of books for teens with alcoholism in the family and following the list is a full list of books on alcoholism and recovery:

Alateen: A Day at a Time
Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Groups
Alateen: Hope for Children of Alcoholics Virginia Beach, VA: Al-Anon Family Groups
Brooks, C. The Secret Everyone Knows: Help for You If Alcohol Is a Problem in Your Home
Hornik-Beer, E. B]For Teenagers Living with a Parent Who Abuses Alcohol/Drugs

Leite, B. Different Like Me: A Book for Teens Who Worry about Their Parent's Use of Alcohol/Drugs
Porterfield K. Coping with an Alcoholic Parent (Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence)

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Old 05-27-2020, 05:16 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 209,069
Hi and welcome dorsetdaughter

I agree with Anna that it;s important you find support for yourself and you'll find a lot of support and understanding here, both in this forum and our Family and Friends forums too

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Old 05-27-2020, 05:20 PM
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Location: SF Bay area, CA
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Welcome to the family. I'm sorry for what you're going thru. I would also suggest getting some support for yourself. Our friends and family of alcoholics is a good place to get support.
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Old 05-28-2020, 03:09 AM
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Join Date: May 2020
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Thank you for all your replies, it means so much. To answer some of your questions, my mother is heavily involved however with problems of her own she often finds it difficult to commit to one decision, as we all do. It's as if my household holds two versions of each of us, the version when my dad is drunk where the truth, desperation and hurt comes out, and then the house when my dad is temporarily sober, we pretend and sort of get on just fine. Theres five of us you see, me, my older sister, older brother, mum and dad. My dads suffers from extreme paranoia once he's had a drink and so often pushes that his drinking is all our fault and he is going to leave/never come back. Of course once he's sober the next day he stays because he knows what an idiot he's been, but nothing is ever really addressed or spoken about because he is very ashamed of his alcoholism and rejects all discussions that hold strong emotions/importance. We have always given him the opportunity to leave if he truly wants too but of course I would never wish for that, he will always be my dad.

I will definitely be looking into the links\books you have attached thank you for sending them. I am also looking into therapy\counselling however with me being away from university and quite dependent on my parents at the moment this is difficult. I will look into posting/reading in the family forums. Thank you and I hope you're all staying safe during these times.
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Old 05-28-2020, 04:16 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 94
Not sure if it is available where you are but you could look into A Anon. It’s like Alcoholics Anonymous but for family and friends affected by someone else’s drinking.
in my case I was the one with the problem so have never been but have been to enough therapy groups and AA meetings to know that in all groups you will come across people of all ages and backgrounds and they can be very helpful and usually judgement free. I was pretty young when it all started for me and found the whole concept of sitting in a room with strangers terrifying but I did realise once I got passed that i found some very nice people along the way.
is it ok if I ask where you are from? Not exact location just what country. If it’s U.K. I may be able to help point out some resources
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Old 05-28-2020, 05:01 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I can relate. My mother was an alcoholic for 30 years before she passed away not too long ago. I was about 12 years old when I began to realize she had a problem. Every special occasion, every holiday we took, and really every evening was ruined by her drunkenness. She was in complete denial up until her death unfortunately. An alcoholic needs to want to stop. You can't force them. In-patient rehab sounds like the best option for your father at this point.
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