Resurgence

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to make an accountability thread and go all in this time.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired; while also coming round to the idea of spirituality and service to others as a viable way out of this mess.
Perhaps the only way.

I've recently realised that I'm an addict. And it comes in many forms: alcoholism, cannabis, cocaine, sex, shopping; whatever fills the void.

Today is 61 days clean from cannabis (after being a daily smoker for three years) and Day 2 from alcohol. I was only able to kick cannabis after my country went into lockdown. But it seemed unfathomable before then. I take some heart that I can quit alcohol too. It's much more difficult for me, though.

I've been a binge drinker since I was 14 and my longest sobriety stint was four months. I experienced DTs last year, but it wasn't enough to stop me.

I'm here for help, guidance, and community.

I really need help.

Thank you for reading; I look forward to engaging with you all.
RS

Anna

Great job on quitting cannabis and on Day 2 off alcohol. If you experience any symptoms that concern you, don't hesitate to go to an ER to get checked out.

I hope you continue to read and post here. I always find inspiration when I read here.

CRRHCC

In my opinion, addictions always serve an emotional purpose. That purpose is to reverse feelings of helplessness to specific and important circumstances in life that I found overwhelming. When overwhelmed, I regained control of my feelings with a quick fix or mood changer of drugs and booze. Maybe I was spoiled as a child or maybe it is just the addictive belief system, but I always thought that life should be easy, fair and painless and I should always get what I want. Lol, when you believe this like I did, then your resistance to anxiety and stress and feeling helpless, trapped, powerless and out of control was very easy to achieve! The antidote is not so complex. We are all biologically wired to seek control of our emotions, to be in control of, "how we feel." Once I understood myself, I could reverse engineer my psychology, empower myself and regain control or escape the powerless trap with other behaviors, I found more important or valuable! The hard part is finding meaning and purpose in life. Finding values that motivate. When your values and purpose in life trump your addiction there is no addiction.

brighterday1234

Spirituality and service to others are great ways of staying sober. Make sobriety and recovery the most important thing in your life and live your life in a way that promotes recovery such as living the 12 steps of AA for example. If not take what you need and leave the rest. Take wisdom from everywhere you can and get a way of living that instigates change: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

Gabe1980

Amazing job! A daily thread is a great way to keep track of what is going on for you, how you are feeling and to get support from others. It is really helping me. I've been sober and then relapsing every so often, for the last three years. I'm on day 9 and determined. If you want some support feel free to PM me. I'm up in Scotland, so we are around at the same time.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and it's amazing how quickly the days add up.

Resurgence

It very much has for me @CRRHCC, discovered at 14 that it helped me regulate emotions, then crippled those same emotions as the years passed and the drinks flowed.

Now, I'm trying to watch each emotion like clouds passing in the sky, here now and gone the next. Trying to distance myself; not from the emotion, but getting caught up in it. It's very much a work in progress, but one I'm committed to.

Day 3 for me today. Feeling okay generally - a few periods of shallow breathing which I've mitigated with box breathing techniques.

I typically fly through the first week or two; it's at that point I crumble—every time. Those pervasive thoughts of being a normal drinker and 'having a few' are relentless.

Resurgence

Thanks @Gabe. Are there particular reasons why you've relapsed?

I've been considering my triggers and previous relapses, but it seems futile now. Anywhere's a trigger: the sofa, the cinema, the park, the train station, work, the library; and any emotion is too.

sortofhomecomin

Everything's a trigger for me also. I am an inpatient in rehab. 31 days sober. Easy to stay sober in here though.

Resurgence

Hey @sortofhomecomin

I followed your planned quit date thread before rejoining the SR posting ranks.

How are you feeling in rehab?

Gabe1980

I love this and it really helped me today to read it. Thank you!

Gabe1980

Lack of commitment to the process mainly......deciding/prioritising other things, especially work. Not really understanding this is an all in deal. It's every day and if focusing just on the day. I'm really scared that I will start to lose focus again, my relapse thinking usually starts after a few weeks and I hold out until about 12 weeks, then I have a massive binge. The important thing though....................

Is I REALLY BELIEVE it will be different this time and that I can do it, with daily commitment and the support here. I need to keep coming here. I've learned all I needed to learn in those relapses the last three years. It's a completely empty and painful experience. The only blessing in this last one is that it is the last one and it brought me back here. I can be your last drink too. How exciting is that??

Also....Triggers are a b**** but they become more manageable in time. Friday night was a nightmare, Sunday afternoon (because it was last chance to drink over the weekend!) any time I was angry, stressed tired and god forbid the sun came out and it was warm enough to sit outside here. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to do any kind of activity that didn't involve drinking, but that really has change over the last few years. I am far more used to being sober now than I am a drunk. It becomes normal and those triggers lessen.

Resurgence

Day 11

Have flown through the past 11 days by occupying myself with work, exercise and organising my home.

Been hit by waves of cravings today and am teetering on the edge. Just want 2 beers to take the edge off.

I know I can stop there, but it's the weekend I worry about. I've tried meditating and talking it out with my partner but I feel compelled to grab 2 beers. Just feels inevitable that I'm going to drink again sooner or later. So frustrating.
​​​​​

sortofhomecomin

Sorry didn't see this before.

Fine thanks, some mood swings but glad to be off alcohol.

Resurgence

Just blew up at my partner because she asked me what's wrong.

I've been so productive and cheerful over the last 11 days but today my energy has crashed and all emotions are unravelling.

I'm trying to meditate again to calm down, before I go to apologise.

doggonecarl

Good of you to post. Early recovery is a emotional roller coaster. Don't use it as an excuse to drink.

Resurgence

Day 12 alcohol / Day 71 weed



Got through last night without drinking.



I was hit by excessive cravings yesterday around 3.30-4 pm, and then wrestled my mind for the last two hours of my shift.



During my post-work shower, it seemed as though the AV had won, as I was planning my trip to the bottle shop. I kept playing the tape forward and knew that if I bought those two beers, I'd be drinking rum by Sunday. Then the ensuing week would kick off with a 3-day hangover. I've been doing that periodically for the last few years.


I ended up meditating and arguing with my partner, in revolving increments. When the battle's going on in my head, I'm extremely sensitive and angry. Can anyone relate? My breath gets short, and I feel like I could explode. Then, despite meditating and breathing exercises, my nerves remain raw. It usually takes a full night's sleep for me to calm back down. To clarify, I don't have anger issues, unless it's connected to alcohol or weed.



@doggonecarl Thanks for your message. I've been coming here since 2014 (under different guises) and always appreciate your direct, practical wisdom. I recall your advice to post before drinking, and this time I did, and it saved my sobriety on this occasion, so thank you.

Dee74

I am really pleased you got through resurgence

D

Resurgence

Day 18

Like last Thursday, I'm posting as I have increasingly intense cravings as I come to the end of my shift.

Just want to feel numb as sobriety feels like I'm always on high alert.

doggonecarl

You addiction is trying to convince you otherwise, but you know the outcome. You've already posted about it:

Stay strong.

biminiblue

What is it about Thursdays?

I would nip that Thursday thing in the bud right now before it gets set up in your head as a replay-every-week problem.

Thursdays are no different than Sundays for drinking, any day that ended in "Y" is a day for an addict to drink.

Find and stick to a Plan on Thursdays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays. I would fill every hour with that Plan. Laundry, cleaning, walking, reading, comedies, writing in a journal, whatever.