BeABetterMan

Well, that was a hell of a week. When I fall off, I don’t half ass it. Life just goes so bad so fast when I drink. I know I was triggered by a girl that I had just started to date. Not her fault, but I’m just not emotionally ready. Everyone advises that you don’t date for the first year. But I was talking to my ex-gf tonight and I was telling her that I break that rule because I AM ALWAYS IN EARLY sobriety and if I don’t date then, then I never will. I say that partially serious but partially in jest. I mean I’ve tried A LOT of times to get sober and could never get past 6 months. So today I poured out my booze because I don’t want to drink again, but I still have my dating apps on my phone. So do I want to quit drinking or not? If I did, I would act more desperate about it.

My ex wife is finally in her first serious relationship. She is a very good person and deserves happiness but I’m scared that they’ll get married, he’ll be around my kids a bunch and they’ll eventually love him more. And I feel so powerless because I can’t find work close to the kids. I almost had a job there but then COVID hit.

First full day of sobriety and man am I feeling it. I maybe walked a total of 100 feet today. Ate three huge meals like I always do after a binge. I’ve come to believe I do that because I’ve deprived my body of actual nutrients so my body feels hungry. It’s not actual hunger because my belly is full, but my systems throw up a red flag that we need to get some more nutrients onboard so EAT. I hate it.

And now here I sit. Alone. It’s 11:00pm. Everyone is off to bed and here I am. Sitting alone with my anxiety, shame, fear and just overall discontent. I have to admit I’m feeling rather hopeless. Here we go again. F$%#

Dee74

you known there's a ton of AV in that thought right?

You don't have to perennially stay in early recovery.
What comes next doesn't have to be a replay of whats gone before.

You can think about the mid term and the long term rather than always acting on the short term.

You can put faith in the advice you have received here and the in experiences of those who've put themselves and their recovery as a priority.

Its tough...but it gets better...when you lay off the sauce and lay on a little self parenting

D

Orchid1

Be123

Dee, that is my favourite advice EVER...'lay off the sauce'. Hahahahaha hahahaha never has anything so profound been so simply put


BABM there IS hope. I'm coming up 13 weeks sober and almost all the unmanageable feelings are becoming manageable. They're not pleasant and my life hasn't magically improved, but my experience is that life gets very much easier very quickly.

12 weeks is such a short time for this to happen, but at day one it seemed like forever. So just click through today. I found that getting up early, going for a walk and asking myself the question: 'What am I going to do today to support my sobriety and make myself feel good?' was really helpful and I carry that on today.

And for advice on the answer about supporting sobriety and making myself feel good, this site is super helpful. Some things I was doing (and still do) are not good for me, so I'm learning to stop them. Some things are good for me and take a bit of discipline. But this is also helpful as a i focus on what I can do, it makes me feel effective and takes my focus away from NOT drinking.

Porridge is my best example. I don't really like eating it but if I eat it I am less nervous, more productive, feel better, digest food better...so I make myself eat it (most mornings ). Simple but effective.

So, basically...lay off the sauce and eat porridge

doggonecarl

I think you truly want to get sober. But I also think you want it to be easy. Sobriety isn't easy.

But it's not impossible either.

brighterday1234

There is a solution to permanent contented sobriety but you have to want it more than anything and live your life in a way which enables it. Sobriety and remaining sober has to be the no1 priority in your life above all else in my experience.

prettiekittie

this is funny. I had porridge for breakfast this morning because I decided I needed to make choices that would help my overall health which would make me feel better and bolster my sobriety. Porridge is the answer. Lol

Anna

You don't have to always be in early recovery. Get some serious sober time behind you, and then think about starting a relationship. I think you will find that things go more smoothly when you're in recovery.

I hope that you can find a job close to your kids and that may help you feel better about your ex-wife's boyfriend. You will always be their Dad and you will be able to be present when you are in recovery.

Verdantia

Hey, BABM. When I've relapsed I never did it by half measures, either. They were terrible, humiliating, life-threatening fiascos that impacted the people I loved, and I never want to go there again. I needed a lot of help to get sober, and I gather that's not your thing--it wasn't mine, either, but I ended up not really having a choice about rehab--and I'm so glad I didn't. Dee is right that this doesn't have to be a replay of what's gone before--change the narrative. Fight for your sobriety and don't worry about relationships at the moment. Once you have some sustained sobriety, a lot of pieces start to fit into place. Wishing you the best--you can do this.

nez

Sounds counter intuitive, but it was by sitting with them that they began to lose their power over me. It brought me face to face with my past with no distractions, no escapes, no delusions. Just me and my past.

It was scary and unpleasant without a doubt, but the fact that I had seen other people turn their pasts around bolstered my courage and hope that I could also do this, this thing known as recovery. Sitting in a one on one with my anxiety, shame, and fears had the effect of finally stripping away any denial and delusions that still lingered and held me hostage in a Stockholm Syndrome.

With their power over me stripped away, I was free to do 180 degree turn and begin the journey back. The best part of the journey back and the one that exceeded even my wildest imagination was that I didn't stop at "back", I continued on to "better". I can't even begin to adequately express my gratitude for this journey and don't want it to start sounding hokey, but all I can say is a genuine heartfelt WOW!!

TAKE THE JOURNEY. Take the journey. Take the journey. take the journey...

BeABetterMan

I've never heard from you before Verdantia, nice to meet you. Great advice and us alcoholics are weirdos because I laughed out loud when you said "terrible, humiliating, life-threatening fiascos". And we always went back for more. What a powerful sickness. And I do believe you that the pieces will fall into place if I get the one, life-threatening, happiness-stealing, lie-telling problem out of the way.

BeABetterMan

Day two coming to a close. Ugh. I'm not going to lie, it sucks. Tomorrow will be better, that's the difference between drinking or not. Tomorrow holds quite different experience whether we're drunk or not. I didn't do anything for my sobriety per se yesterday or today. I mean, I rested, ate well, took a long hike, cleaned, did yard work, and played chess online with a friend. But I usually can't bring myself to go to meetings or read the first couple days when sobering up. So tomorrow I'll hit a meeting. I've ran out of people to call. They don't want to hear my problems AT ALL. What's funny, is drinking or not, I would pick up any friends' call (except one, because he only calls when he's out of his mind.) Oh well, no need to dwell on that. I know how that situation came to be and I know how to fix it. Back to work Tuesday, 8:30am meeting (Who schedules a meeting at 8:30 on the day after Memorial day-doesn't she know I've been drinking alcoholically all week? How rude!

Anyway, thanks all for your support. Truly feels good. Good ideas, good support, good ways to perceive life. Just good good good. I read every word.

TiredCarpenter

Thanks BABM:
As you know, day three can be tough and a bit tricky. Stay well. Plenty of water.

Back to work could be kind of rough. It might be a welcome distraction, though.

nez

Good to know you still have a sense of humor. It is important not to take ourselves too seriously.

I have to tell on myself, when I finally sobered up and people would show up for a kitchen shift hungover and under performing, I would sneak up behind them and start banging two saute pans together and shouting loudly and obnoxiously as possible. This was of course after I had the serious talk explaining how being hungover and under performing was unacceptable and would not be tolerated in the future, but I was not going to reward bad behavior and send them home... oh hell no... they were going to have to suck it up, stay for the entire shift (if not longer) and work though it. A while after the talk, when things settled down a bit, is when I would turn into the pan banging brat.

BeABetterMan

Sicko! Never know, that banging might have planted a seed though

nez

I have been called worse
I don't know about planting, I think a hammer springs more to mind. At any rate, there was no doubt in anyone's mind about my opinion in the scenario. LOL!!!

nez

Got me to laughing as I thought about being worse. I remembered when I worked at a ski resort and a breakfast cook wouldn't show up for shift. Employee housing was just a short walk away, unfortunately for them. I would take the walk. Find the sleeping cook. Get about 2 inches away from their face. Slap them open handed on their chest while screaming "you're supposed to be at work". Ahhh...the good old days.

Hope work goes well for you today and that your boss is not like me. :~)

BeABetterMan

When I was young I was kind of out of control. I dropped out of high school for a year. My gf at the time had a dad that owned a drywall company. So he got me a job. Well I was 16 years old and to say the crew treated me terrible was an understatement. Cruel would be the word. After three months I could take no more and with a few choice words I told them what I thought of them and the job. I grabbed my tools and headed to my car. Right before I pulled out they all ran out and said, “man, I can’t believe you lasted that long.” “Kim’s dad told us to treat you like crap so you’d quit and go back to school.”

Mission accomplished. I went back to school and university and finished #1 in my engineering class. Well, her and I broke up because he caught us in a compromised position and I didn’t see them for 25 years. Then by chance one day I found myself sitting next to him at the bar. We had a great talk. He was proud of me for what I had become and I was grateful to him for the life lessons.

BeABetterMan

Wrapping up the day ... well not exactly, it's 8:30pm and I'll be up until 3am if tonight is anything like the last 3 nights, but here goes.

I had a really great day today. My dreams, as they always are in early sobriety, have been just bonkers. But I LOVE DREAMS. Scary dreams, funny dreams, dreams about anything, but the more intense the better. So last night I had just the most rad dreams. And ever since I was a kid (age: 17) and quit using meth after one hard year I've discovered a way to re-enter my dreams after waking up for whatever reason. That happened last night and it was just so fun to me (I'm weird). Anyway, I rose early, made it to my meetings, was effective at work, snuck out for hike with the dogs (found a deer shed), and just did tons of stuff. Talked a to my ex-gf for while. I never thought her and I could just exist as friends but now that she's sober there are no games. We just support each other in our sobriety and play chess and send pics of our animals and my kids. It's cool. I also attended my home group meeting which was a good one but I struggled to focus a little bit because I had a headache.

BUT, I did notice something that I've noticed before. A buzz. When I come off of a bender where I'm worthless for a week or two, at about days 3-6 of sobriety I get a major buzz from being sober, from accomplishing things, from having self esteem again. And I love the buzz, but I've learned to fear it. My history has taught me that for whatever reason I tend to seek peaks and valleys. The idea of a monotonous life, even if it be a generally pleasant one always seems to lose its appeal to me. And when it does, the rails farking come right off and we're off to the races. And my race ain't the type you want to run. It's almost like being bipolar, a switch flips. Or like mania. I just say, "nope, this is NOT enough. I want it all and I want it now and I want to feel like I do when I'm drunk but without the consequences so let's run this thing back again." I don't feel that way right now, right now sobriety and stability are an absolute treasure, but my attention span is dangerously short. I feel like I'm already in trouble. This is terrifying.

Dee74

Stay sober & you'll eventually discover sober life is just...life.
It has its ups and downs and sometimes they are not of our making, but generally it's as good - or as monotonous - as you make it

D