My new sobriety journal
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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It turned into a bad one. I was cut/stabbed, missed pretty much every day of work this week, cops served me with four warrants for something that happened in December. I stopped drinking on Tuesday but haven’t got out of bed, or eaten anything. Did have an appointment by phone with my psychiatrist. We’re going to switch up my meds. My anxiety and depression are off the charts. I can’t say much else right now. I’m mentally and emotionally on empty. Please pray for me. It hurts.
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Hey BABM,
Just catching up on your journal. Start posting again and stay at it! Anxiety is made worse by alcohol but I think you know it. I have HORRIBLE anxiety when I stop but I have learned that if I stick with it, it gets better. With the sleep, I have begun using "Calm" app which has helped tremendously. I am finishing up day 3. What day are you on or are you drinking? Don't be embarresed, most of us have been there many times!
Just catching up on your journal. Start posting again and stay at it! Anxiety is made worse by alcohol but I think you know it. I have HORRIBLE anxiety when I stop but I have learned that if I stick with it, it gets better. With the sleep, I have begun using "Calm" app which has helped tremendously. I am finishing up day 3. What day are you on or are you drinking? Don't be embarresed, most of us have been there many times!
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Thanks everyone. It's funny MaxD, I just came across your thread and posted in it. We have a similar relationship to alcohol.
To everyone who continues to check in and offer support, my eternal gratitude. I have run anyone meaningful out of my life, so I live a lonely existence. This is the worst I've ever felt after drinking, and that is saying A LOT. Physically it's bad, but emotionally and mentally it is almost debilitating. I'm actually not sure what to do with myself. I'm paranoid to go outside much because of some trouble with the law, it's also too hot to even walk or run the dogs which usually helps a lot. I'm squeaking by at work, which is only possible because I'm able to "work from home". My dogs are looking at me like wtf dude? Why are you laying down all the time?
But, I did meet with my psych, we have a plan. I have been going to online AA meetings everyday. I did reconnect with an old sponsor. He is a miraculous man. I'm a right-wing redneck engineering nerd and he's a homosexual liberal ex-con. We are so different, but so similar. But we care so deeply for each other. I wish the rest of the country could see past difference in opinion like we do, but anyway.... He was my sponsor for a long time and I was doing great. He suffered a manic break down at the end of last year and started acting weird and then disappeared. I wasn't sure if he just got sick of me or what happened. I called him over the past months and got no answer. Well, he picked up the phone two days ago. He has been on a 5 month binge. He lost his car, he split his head open, he laid down and drank for weeks on end to the point where he lost the strength in his legs so he can't walk. His phone was dead and he was dying. He opened his front door, because that's all he could reach and uttered, "Hello". Amazingly he was answered by someone. It was 4am and it just so happened a paramedic was walking by his door at that exact time. He did 12 days in detox, 12 days learning to walk again and now is on a waiting list for an inpatient facility. This is a man that had the sobriety I always marveled at. The serenity I craved. He'd been through hell. He'd built himself up through meditation, meetings, listening, being of service and still, that voice got to him. It's so heartbreaking and a real caution. We will obviously stay in touch now. I hope we can both get our lives straightened out. Please God.
To everyone who continues to check in and offer support, my eternal gratitude. I have run anyone meaningful out of my life, so I live a lonely existence. This is the worst I've ever felt after drinking, and that is saying A LOT. Physically it's bad, but emotionally and mentally it is almost debilitating. I'm actually not sure what to do with myself. I'm paranoid to go outside much because of some trouble with the law, it's also too hot to even walk or run the dogs which usually helps a lot. I'm squeaking by at work, which is only possible because I'm able to "work from home". My dogs are looking at me like wtf dude? Why are you laying down all the time?
But, I did meet with my psych, we have a plan. I have been going to online AA meetings everyday. I did reconnect with an old sponsor. He is a miraculous man. I'm a right-wing redneck engineering nerd and he's a homosexual liberal ex-con. We are so different, but so similar. But we care so deeply for each other. I wish the rest of the country could see past difference in opinion like we do, but anyway.... He was my sponsor for a long time and I was doing great. He suffered a manic break down at the end of last year and started acting weird and then disappeared. I wasn't sure if he just got sick of me or what happened. I called him over the past months and got no answer. Well, he picked up the phone two days ago. He has been on a 5 month binge. He lost his car, he split his head open, he laid down and drank for weeks on end to the point where he lost the strength in his legs so he can't walk. His phone was dead and he was dying. He opened his front door, because that's all he could reach and uttered, "Hello". Amazingly he was answered by someone. It was 4am and it just so happened a paramedic was walking by his door at that exact time. He did 12 days in detox, 12 days learning to walk again and now is on a waiting list for an inpatient facility. This is a man that had the sobriety I always marveled at. The serenity I craved. He'd been through hell. He'd built himself up through meditation, meetings, listening, being of service and still, that voice got to him. It's so heartbreaking and a real caution. We will obviously stay in touch now. I hope we can both get our lives straightened out. Please God.
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Hi BABM, glad you are back here but obviously not glad that you feel so bad. It's just inevitable, every time you take the first drink that you'll end up back here. I'd be exactly the same...my guess is it would take a week, but I'd be back to where i started
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Hope your weekend is going well BABM. Are your injuries healing? Sounds like you had quite an episode. As bad as the last bender was and as low as it made you feel, there are darker depths to plumb. Trust me on this young man. Unfortunately I know of what i speak. I'm glad you made connection with a real person from your past. Sounds like you could use each other's company.
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Hey Surrender, I'm doing as well as possible. My injury is just a cut although it will leave a nice scar. Been really active, exercising. Going to meetings.Chilling out and thinking about what is important.
A man spoke yesterday. He was talking about how his 7 year old son died while the man was about 18 months sober. He was angry at everything and everyone including God. He was sharing this with his sponsor, and his sponsor said something to the effect of, "you son was taken away, but your ability to choose was not." Basically saying, no matter what happens in life, we still have the ability to choose our path. I am going to remember that the next time I'm at a crossroads. I can still choose. Sounds so simple so sane people, but to me, that is revolutionary thinking. Sad.
A man spoke yesterday. He was talking about how his 7 year old son died while the man was about 18 months sober. He was angry at everything and everyone including God. He was sharing this with his sponsor, and his sponsor said something to the effect of, "you son was taken away, but your ability to choose was not." Basically saying, no matter what happens in life, we still have the ability to choose our path. I am going to remember that the next time I'm at a crossroads. I can still choose. Sounds so simple so sane people, but to me, that is revolutionary thinking. Sad.
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Originally Posted by MaximusD 
Hey! Seems like things are going good in here. How's it going?
seriously though I’m doing well. Got some exercise in this weekend. Went to a few AA meetings. Not as anxious, like you said, get away from the booze and the anxiety dies down quite a bit. But for me, it’s pretty persistent.
I have a friendly relationship with an ex gf of mine that’s playing with my head a little. The good news is that she is sober, very sober. And she lives a state away. We went to a couple meetings online together this weekend and tomorrow we’re going to to to a virtual meeting in Ireland for fun. I would say she’s my best friend right now. Always there for support. Always tells me my truth. The PROBLEM is I still have some pretty serious feelings for her so I’m pretty codependent. We text several times a day. Talk on FaceTime a lot. But I’ll never move back to LA and she’ll never move to AZ so it’s a dead issue. The truth is, the LAST thing I need is to get intimate with someone because my sobriety is so fragile. So it’s probably a blessing. But my heart keeps sneaking into the conversation. Big dumb heart, lol.
I was gonna say MaxD that my (favorite) dog is named Max, he’s a GSD. I call him Mackimus, Magnanimous and Maddy. He’s the best dog I’ve ever had.
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I got the name when I was writing science fiction novels in 10th grade. It was the name of my character in the novel. He was a warrior. I thought I came up with the name but now looking back surely I had heard it and unconsciously "made it up." I would ONE HUNDRED PERCENT prepare some plan for if/when things go south with this friendship/relationship that it doesn't wreck your relationship. May I ask why she is your EX? What is SHE getting out of this? I have an ex in LA. She is cray cray more than me 
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Had a VERY tough night. It is my ex’s bday. Last year I flew to see her and it was a disaster. Today we are on friendly terms but my feelings for her still exist. However, if there is one thing I’ve learned is that when a woman turns off the switch, it never comes back on. I sent her a nice little necklace for her bday and told her we can’t talk again. We had been talking every day about our sobriety quests. She’s up to 5 months. She really is a good friend, and I’m in rare supply of those. And I will miss her, but I think if I keep talking to her I will just keep getting closer and closer and just be even more hurt in the end. I really need to find a way to follow peoples’ advice to learn to be happy with myself.
I’m so effing lonely, and scared and wondering if I did the right thing. Please God help me.
I’m 8 days sober though.
I’m so effing lonely, and scared and wondering if I did the right thing. Please God help me.
I’m 8 days sober though.
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Originally Posted by Dee74
If it helps I think you did the right thing - recovery needs to come first.
D
D
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