Combining recovery with family life
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Join Date: May 2020
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Combining recovery with family life
Upcoming june 22 will be my 2-yr overall clean date, recovering from drug abuse.
I have three sons, (5,3,0) and especially with last one being born nov 2019 i feel like im drowing.
Keeping my addictive personality in check takes a lot of time and I frankly dont have it.
Even writing this post ive been interrupted 7x (ive counted) and what should be a healing activity become something VERY stressfull.
on top of everything I work irregular shifts to provide for my family.
Obsessive behavior in all sorts, Im often very angry and passive aggressive, depressive thoughts, hours of total apathy. I see the danger signs all over!
Please some imput from parents. Ive done meetings but most attendents seem to not Have any kids. Making me feeling isolated and sorry for myself.
NA seems to work only after you destroyed everything you hold dear.
gotta go kids are crying
I have three sons, (5,3,0) and especially with last one being born nov 2019 i feel like im drowing.
Keeping my addictive personality in check takes a lot of time and I frankly dont have it.
Even writing this post ive been interrupted 7x (ive counted) and what should be a healing activity become something VERY stressfull.
on top of everything I work irregular shifts to provide for my family.
Obsessive behavior in all sorts, Im often very angry and passive aggressive, depressive thoughts, hours of total apathy. I see the danger signs all over!
Please some imput from parents. Ive done meetings but most attendents seem to not Have any kids. Making me feeling isolated and sorry for myself.
NA seems to work only after you destroyed everything you hold dear.
gotta go kids are crying
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
To be honest I think I've only managed it because my kids have grown up ☹️. It's so stressful raising a family and although it did more harm than good, I think wine propped me up temporarily. I wish I had found another way.
Your recovery is so important, it's the most important thing - what is your family support like?
Your recovery is so important, it's the most important thing - what is your family support like?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 10
I think its very stressful too to raise kids and work fulltime. I cant remember to have an uninterrupted night’s sleep the last 5-6 years. I cant finish a meal without cleaning up barf, diapers, shush crying etc.
my partner and I are not supportive at eachother. I ask for help but she’s struggling too in her own way. She’s never been addicted or anything but its hard for her too to deal with the pressure. She demands even more of my effort and I just cant keep up and refuse in a childish way.
she’s tired of my doom and gloom, wich I understand. Still my need to ventilate and rest remains. We have very extreme outburst of arguing and yelling-matches.
most fathers i know abuse alcohol and or drugs just to keep going and this makes me angry cause its not an option for me.
im not depressed cause I experience lots of peaceful and happy moments the very very rare times the house is empty.
recovery is a very selfish proces and it has to be, but a family is very self-sacrificing.
i know i cant change this situation, it will remain the same for another couple of years but i need to get rid of the anger and resent for the sake of all.
my partner and I are not supportive at eachother. I ask for help but she’s struggling too in her own way. She’s never been addicted or anything but its hard for her too to deal with the pressure. She demands even more of my effort and I just cant keep up and refuse in a childish way.
she’s tired of my doom and gloom, wich I understand. Still my need to ventilate and rest remains. We have very extreme outburst of arguing and yelling-matches.
most fathers i know abuse alcohol and or drugs just to keep going and this makes me angry cause its not an option for me.
im not depressed cause I experience lots of peaceful and happy moments the very very rare times the house is empty.
recovery is a very selfish proces and it has to be, but a family is very self-sacrificing.
i know i cant change this situation, it will remain the same for another couple of years but i need to get rid of the anger and resent for the sake of all.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Welcome to the forums. More than happy to give you some input. Not sure you will find any of it worth considering but here goes and my thoughts go way outside any 12 step program guidelines. I am a parent with two children - now older. Given the age of your children, you are in perhaps the most exhausting time of life.
Suggestion #1 - top priority. Get "fixed". You have three children already. But there is too much of a good thing. If both of you are at your limits (maybe even past your limits) now can you imagine what more children will do to your family situation?
Thought #1 - It will get less exhausting over time as they get older. It does. You really are in the middle of the sleep depravation nightmare.
Thought #2 - If you manage to stay sober the rewards of raising you children in a sober caring household are amazing. I hope you can see this far ahead but looking back I might just tell future me to F* off. So I realize this thought no matter how well intentioned is going to be hard to take given where you are today.
Thought #3 - I agree that many folks in 12 step programs have lost everything and the programs seem to be most focused on people who have nothing else to do but go to meetings, do service work and collect sponsees. They seem to think everyone should have time for lots and lots of service work. I think they are simply wrong to expect everyone to have this level of time to commit to the program. If you have family/children at home you are in a very different position than someone who is say retired and lives alone. But there are other folks in 12 step programs who are in situations similar to you. Seek them out. BUT do not give up on 12 step programs just because of this issue. At least in my experience 12 step programs are a great source of strength and I would not give up on them. Nothing in life is perfect. Don't give up. Make it work for you.
Suggestion #2 - Keep posting and reading here on the SR forums. Amazing folks here and almost everyone here wants to help. And you can just pop in here any time. This place is really great!
Suggestion #1 - top priority. Get "fixed". You have three children already. But there is too much of a good thing. If both of you are at your limits (maybe even past your limits) now can you imagine what more children will do to your family situation?
Thought #1 - It will get less exhausting over time as they get older. It does. You really are in the middle of the sleep depravation nightmare.
Thought #2 - If you manage to stay sober the rewards of raising you children in a sober caring household are amazing. I hope you can see this far ahead but looking back I might just tell future me to F* off. So I realize this thought no matter how well intentioned is going to be hard to take given where you are today.
Thought #3 - I agree that many folks in 12 step programs have lost everything and the programs seem to be most focused on people who have nothing else to do but go to meetings, do service work and collect sponsees. They seem to think everyone should have time for lots and lots of service work. I think they are simply wrong to expect everyone to have this level of time to commit to the program. If you have family/children at home you are in a very different position than someone who is say retired and lives alone. But there are other folks in 12 step programs who are in situations similar to you. Seek them out. BUT do not give up on 12 step programs just because of this issue. At least in my experience 12 step programs are a great source of strength and I would not give up on them. Nothing in life is perfect. Don't give up. Make it work for you.
Suggestion #2 - Keep posting and reading here on the SR forums. Amazing folks here and almost everyone here wants to help. And you can just pop in here any time. This place is really great!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
I have children and I do understand how demanding being a parent can be. And, it does not change as they get older, I think it actually becomes more demanding. So, you need to strike a balance. It's possible to do that. You can work on recovery and be a good parent at the same time. I'd recommend starting a Gratitude Journal. Each night at bedtime, take a couple of minutes to write down three things you are grateful for. This will trigger you to look for things to be during for during each day. I'd also recommend finding a book to read on spirituality and try to read a few pages each day. Those two things will only take up minutes of your life each day but will help your recovery.
Here is our book list:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ependence.html (Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence)
Here is our book list:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ependence.html (Books on Recovery, Spirituality & Codependence)
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Some people come in our life as blessings. Some come in your life as lessons. Mother Teresa
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Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by AAPJ 
Welcome to the forums. More than happy to give you some input. Not sure you will find any of it worth considering but here goes and my thoughts go way outside any 12 step program guidelines. I am a parent with two children - now older. Given the age of your children, you are in perhaps the most exhausting time of life.
Suggestion #1 - top priority. Get "fixed". You have three children already. But there is too much of a good thing. If both of you are at your limits (maybe even past your limits) now can you imagine what more children will do to your family situation?
Thought #1 - It will get less exhausting over time as they get older. It does. You really are in the middle of the sleep depravation nightmare.
Thought #2 - If you manage to stay sober the rewards of raising you children in a sober caring household are amazing. I hope you can see this far ahead but looking back I might just tell future me to F* off. So I realize this thought no matter how well intentioned is going to be hard to take given where you are today.
Thought #3 - I agree that many folks in 12 step programs have lost everything and the programs seem to be most focused on people who have nothing else to do but go to meetings, do service work and collect sponsees. They seem to think everyone should have time for lots and lots of service work. I think they are simply wrong to expect everyone to have this level of time to commit to the program. If you have family/children at home you are in a very different position than someone who is say retired and lives alone. But there are other folks in 12 step programs who are in situations similar to you. Seek them out. BUT do not give up on 12 step programs just because of this issue. At least in my experience 12 step programs are a great source of strength and I would not give up on them. Nothing in life is perfect. Don't give up. Make it work for you.
Suggestion #2 - Keep posting and reading here on the SR forums. Amazing folks here and almost everyone here wants to help. And you can just pop in here any time. This place is really great!
Suggestion #1 - top priority. Get "fixed". You have three children already. But there is too much of a good thing. If both of you are at your limits (maybe even past your limits) now can you imagine what more children will do to your family situation?
Thought #1 - It will get less exhausting over time as they get older. It does. You really are in the middle of the sleep depravation nightmare.
Thought #2 - If you manage to stay sober the rewards of raising you children in a sober caring household are amazing. I hope you can see this far ahead but looking back I might just tell future me to F* off. So I realize this thought no matter how well intentioned is going to be hard to take given where you are today.
Thought #3 - I agree that many folks in 12 step programs have lost everything and the programs seem to be most focused on people who have nothing else to do but go to meetings, do service work and collect sponsees. They seem to think everyone should have time for lots and lots of service work. I think they are simply wrong to expect everyone to have this level of time to commit to the program. If you have family/children at home you are in a very different position than someone who is say retired and lives alone. But there are other folks in 12 step programs who are in situations similar to you. Seek them out. BUT do not give up on 12 step programs just because of this issue. At least in my experience 12 step programs are a great source of strength and I would not give up on them. Nothing in life is perfect. Don't give up. Make it work for you.
Suggestion #2 - Keep posting and reading here on the SR forums. Amazing folks here and almost everyone here wants to help. And you can just pop in here any time. This place is really great!
im trying to look ahead, really I do. Waking someone up several times during sleep is a common used torture/interrogation technique and after 5 years im willing to tell anything to anyone to make it stop!
this too shall pass but that doesnt make it better sometimes. If future me comes along i will hug me first and then bitchslap me.
i recognize the value of 12-step NA. It got me sober, especially the meetings. During my darkest hours the one-liners pop into my head: never the first never the last. One day at a time. Serenity prayer. It works if you work it. One is too many and a thousand never enough etc. Im into buddhism and lately ive picked up reading the bible a few lines here and there. Im a lay-person in religions but reading suttha’s and verses calms me down when im having destructive thought patterns. NA basically thought me there is a way out through faith. When tired and stressed its hard to connect thats the current situation.
i tried to get a sponsor several times, explaining they should have NO expectations cause of my life i just want the support and do what I can. I got frowned upon and was given quota: several calls and meetings per week, x-amount of stepwork and eventually service work and sponsor myself. I turned them all down as sponsor feeling lonely, panicked and very angry at the program. Sharing about this at meetings didnt help either and i dont really want to do it anymore cause it could be hurtful and annoying to other folks attending.
venting here does help me. Not as much as a real life meeting but it does help.
Thank you for thinking along with me.
After im done whining and im empty ill start renewing my focus with my own recovery plan that fits in my life. Instead of trying to fit my life into a plan.
This website will be a part of the plan.
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Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by nez
With children you get both, how great is that? You don't go to school, you are immersed in school. Take full advantage of this time in your life for self reflection on how you are doing as to personal growth. Recovery is not separate from life, recovery is life.
.i get ur point but right now that thought is not enough.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
I got sober when my girls were 7 and 9, my step son was 17. I could not imagine trying to actively work on recovery with a 6 month old. My thoughts are with you there. Now my girls are older, step son just graduated college, still living in my basement... lol
I was raised in a very strict religion. To be honest I can probably quote more bible verses than my current minister, BUT that hour a week, sitting in church, girls in Sunday School was amazing for me. My mind could drift off, it was almost meditative. My girls have always had to go on bike rides with us, when they were very young, kangaroo carrier in front of me, the seat behind me, then trail a bikes. I had to figure out how to do my own self care, with them. Babysitters charge $10 an hour, additional kids, another 5. We live in the country, that nice dinner out cost $30 more just paying while we drove an hour there and back. But $15 for a sitter to come so we can go for a walk, or ride was totally doable.
Hiking, we woild pack a lunch and take the kids. Sure they whined, but we live in active bear country, safety in numbers lol, stay together everyone.
I was very much about structure and routine, so breakfast, lunch, dinner, bedtime. We do family game night, I abhor monopoly and try to hide it, but they find it. Now today we have no structure, I asked youngest if she fed herself today. She had, middlest rolled her eyes. Sometimes I am not sure, do I go pick up mom of the year, or do they mail me a certificate?
My kids don't like hanging at the barn, but it is my job. So during the week they do daycare, but weekends, bring your tablet, books, crayons, paints, whatever - you are with me. Last year we were short drivers for our transportation company, I took middle daughter, dh took youngest - he ran fertilizer, I was running horses to a show. The kids didn't appreciate the 3:30am wake up call lol, but they didn't have a choice. My kids get told tough beans, suck it up for now, but at night we will play mini golf with some putting ranges I got from the Grandparents, or badminton - another game I hate and they love, or soccer. In the past, my kids danced and played soccer, the boy plays hockey, so they were always tired. Now, it's my job. During the week, we are structured, wake up, breakfast, dressed, to the office, whether the house or barn, both have wifi. School work, lunch, more work, field trips to the feed store lol. Then after dinner, we play basketball, golf, jump on the teampoline, bike ride until shower and bed.
It is so hard and I totally get your frustration and exhaustion. All I can tell you, is your self care, might involve them.
I was raised in a very strict religion. To be honest I can probably quote more bible verses than my current minister, BUT that hour a week, sitting in church, girls in Sunday School was amazing for me. My mind could drift off, it was almost meditative. My girls have always had to go on bike rides with us, when they were very young, kangaroo carrier in front of me, the seat behind me, then trail a bikes. I had to figure out how to do my own self care, with them. Babysitters charge $10 an hour, additional kids, another 5. We live in the country, that nice dinner out cost $30 more just paying while we drove an hour there and back. But $15 for a sitter to come so we can go for a walk, or ride was totally doable.
Hiking, we woild pack a lunch and take the kids. Sure they whined, but we live in active bear country, safety in numbers lol, stay together everyone.
I was very much about structure and routine, so breakfast, lunch, dinner, bedtime. We do family game night, I abhor monopoly and try to hide it, but they find it. Now today we have no structure, I asked youngest if she fed herself today. She had, middlest rolled her eyes. Sometimes I am not sure, do I go pick up mom of the year, or do they mail me a certificate?
My kids don't like hanging at the barn, but it is my job. So during the week they do daycare, but weekends, bring your tablet, books, crayons, paints, whatever - you are with me. Last year we were short drivers for our transportation company, I took middle daughter, dh took youngest - he ran fertilizer, I was running horses to a show. The kids didn't appreciate the 3:30am wake up call lol, but they didn't have a choice. My kids get told tough beans, suck it up for now, but at night we will play mini golf with some putting ranges I got from the Grandparents, or badminton - another game I hate and they love, or soccer. In the past, my kids danced and played soccer, the boy plays hockey, so they were always tired. Now, it's my job. During the week, we are structured, wake up, breakfast, dressed, to the office, whether the house or barn, both have wifi. School work, lunch, more work, field trips to the feed store lol. Then after dinner, we play basketball, golf, jump on the teampoline, bike ride until shower and bed.
It is so hard and I totally get your frustration and exhaustion. All I can tell you, is your self care, might involve them.
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Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 1,065
Oh and I am not a 12 step person. I can't commit to meetings, dh sometimes finds out the night before he has to leave for 5 days. I have kids and then all the farm work is my responsibility. I made my own toolbox of recovery. Plus dh would not have been ok with certain aspects of AA.
So I borrowed from everywhere, whatever made sense to me and my life. I have a little over 2.5 years and it's been successful.
So I borrowed from everywhere, whatever made sense to me and my life. I have a little over 2.5 years and it's been successful.
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Join Date: May 2020
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by MyLittleHorsie
Oh and I am not a 12 step person. I can't commit to meetings, dh sometimes finds out the night before he has to leave for 5 days. I have kids and then all the farm work is my responsibility. I made my own toolbox of recovery. Plus dh would not have been ok with certain aspects of AA.
So I borrowed from everywhere, whatever made sense to me and my life. I have a little over 2.5 years and it's been successful.
So I borrowed from everywhere, whatever made sense to me and my life. I have a little over 2.5 years and it's been successful.
with a weekly schedule we get by pretty easy.
Its just the combo having a 3-yr todler and baby too.
i can manage even two kids. After work, i walk the dog, they can come along if they want, eat, play outside, bed ritual, repeat.
i do a 1-on-1 activity once a month to make those special father-son memories. Go swimming, visit a zoo, indoor playground u name it.
i allrdy am trying real hard to make em part of the recovery.
i thought this third kid was relatively easy cause we allrdy have twee running around. But its NOT. Even on my off-work days we hardly make it through the day, i really dont understand how the gf does it alone when im at work.
its hard, im tired, we’re tired and...u know thats just it. tired is an understatement I nodd off during work or even take 3 min naps on the toilet. If I take xtra days off from work i come back even more grind down.
so far ive never heard someone say they succesfully recovered around Multiple babies and toddlers. I hope I can that would make me super awesome +10000 to parenting
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Join Date: May 2020
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The covid situation gave us parenting shifts 7x12-14 hrs plus nights-shifts plus my irregular shift fulltime job.
its just insane.
Last week i was walking my youngest kid to sleep for an hour in the darkened room of my oldest kid while crying my own eyeballs out the entire time.
all my gf says its my own choice for this life and i have to suck it up. We argued Ourselves beyond compassion.
crazy times, 100x worse then when I was using
its just insane.
Last week i was walking my youngest kid to sleep for an hour in the darkened room of my oldest kid while crying my own eyeballs out the entire time.
all my gf says its my own choice for this life and i have to suck it up. We argued Ourselves beyond compassion.
crazy times, 100x worse then when I was using
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
I worked as a full time nurse and my partner was a teacher, I totally understand the falling asleep on the toilet thing! The tiredness was so bad it made us cry, and also argue. I slept with the baby in the my bed both times, which wasn't great for our relationship but helped such a lot with sleep. If I could have that time back, I wouldn't have tried so hard to make everything perfect. I would have let the tantrums happen and leave the room until they stopped, cut a few hours at work, and let the babies cry a bit! Maybe I wouldn't have rushed for the wine as soon as 6pm came...
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Would life be better without them? Or simply a tough age along with qty = 3. You just wrote out some of my biggest fears about starting a family. I work a lot of hours. I am challenged balancing life and work. Making sure I have a healthy mindset.
Have you ever tried CBT, or looked into Smart Recovery for the tools they offer? I've looked at it. It's self directed although they also have a website with interaction like here. There is a lot there reminiscent of the therapeutic tools I use. Managing stress, and the way I think about things to calm my mind.
Have you ever tried CBT, or looked into Smart Recovery for the tools they offer? I've looked at it. It's self directed although they also have a website with interaction like here. There is a lot there reminiscent of the therapeutic tools I use. Managing stress, and the way I think about things to calm my mind.
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Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 142
I totally get what you are going through Kirk. I have two little ones at home. It's rough.
With my anxiety and my stress level, due to recovery, I'm struggling to manage the stress and anxiety of littles too.
I have started incorporating them into relaxing things for me. I am calmest in a bathtub. So a few times a day we all take a big bath. They'll play in the sink or get in with me. That might but be your jam but maybe there is something that will work for you. The biggest challenge will be the newbie.
Can you get a sitter for a day, family or hired? My mom comes every once in a while and that break is tremendous.
With my anxiety and my stress level, due to recovery, I'm struggling to manage the stress and anxiety of littles too.
I have started incorporating them into relaxing things for me. I am calmest in a bathtub. So a few times a day we all take a big bath. They'll play in the sink or get in with me. That might but be your jam but maybe there is something that will work for you. The biggest challenge will be the newbie.
Can you get a sitter for a day, family or hired? My mom comes every once in a while and that break is tremendous.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
"Crazy times. 100x worse than when I was using."
That is just not true. Everything so much worse using and you know that, otherwise you wouldn't be on this site trying to figure things out.
You have 5 hard years ahead of you. When the youngest one is 5, life gets manageable again. But your situation cannot be changed right now and you need to settle in and embrace the suck. The times you are rolling around and walking around with crying babies and toddlers will be golden memories for you 15 years from now. They are tough times but powerful times.
Please remember too that all three of your kids are deeply in tune with your emotions. They don't mind tears and they will actually come to you and comfort you, but they shy away from anger and resentment, and they can blame themselves if they pick up on too much anger and resentment. They sense those energies.
You'll get through this. You just have to downshift all the way into low gear when you are with them. Get down on the floor and roll around. Every minute you can, even in the dead of night. Those will be powerful memories for you and them.
That is just not true. Everything so much worse using and you know that, otherwise you wouldn't be on this site trying to figure things out.
You have 5 hard years ahead of you. When the youngest one is 5, life gets manageable again. But your situation cannot be changed right now and you need to settle in and embrace the suck. The times you are rolling around and walking around with crying babies and toddlers will be golden memories for you 15 years from now. They are tough times but powerful times.
Please remember too that all three of your kids are deeply in tune with your emotions. They don't mind tears and they will actually come to you and comfort you, but they shy away from anger and resentment, and they can blame themselves if they pick up on too much anger and resentment. They sense those energies.
You'll get through this. You just have to downshift all the way into low gear when you are with them. Get down on the floor and roll around. Every minute you can, even in the dead of night. Those will be powerful memories for you and them.
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