Lines

I have a question and while I understand most of the people here are dealing with alcohol issues, still thought I'd ask for all your thoughts.

I've lost track of time but think it's been close to 3 months since I ended my cocaine use. Some might call it a relapse. That is what I was feeling initially. Like I had transported myself back to a dark time, the one and only time I ever actually felt I had a problem with cocaine. Where I was heavily binging, and mixing with alcohol and other substances. Very bad stuff and out of control. That was about 7 years ago. It took me a while to feel better then, but life went back to normal except it improved abecause I dealt with a lot of personal issues.

I started seeing my Addiction Med Doctor for this "relapse". One day he told me it wasn't really a relapse back to the days of that binge. Instead, my emotional state, workload, and the drug being offered to me - simply reminded me of my use prior to that binge which was more recreational except I didnt use for fun. I always used more for energy and ability to push myself and work more. When I "relapsed" this time I had the same conditions line up and I began using to push myself more when I should have slowed down and took care of my physical and emotional health.

But I realize it all felt bad and scared me so much because I kept feeling like I was back in the bad binge phase and all these negative thoughts, feelings, expectations kept me stuck there. Afraid to tell my wife, others because they all remembered that bad time too. And then of course there is all the stuff you hear about addiction and progression. Thing is I didnt progress anywhere near where I was at during that bad binge. I was hooked because it's highly addictive and messed with all the brain chemicals but I was really using a small amount.

I dont want to use it at all. Havent since I stopped months ago. Dont want to use its properties to alter myself. I'm 100% certain of that. I think I'm still trying to heal my mind and sort it all out.

I guess the question is.. how often does someone use a substance recreationally, moderately. Then have a bad binge where bad stuff happens and then they actually stop after that. The bad binge haunts them? I guess I never really had many negative consequences until then. Prior to that, it felt like a tool. I knew I shouldn't have been doing it, but I could start and stop. It was never like the thought of using was always right there and taunting me. It was a tool and had benefits so I used it when I needed it . Stopping always led to a down period, again the brain stuff. But no outward consequences with work, people.

can anyone relate, or even understand this post.? 🙃 Not sure, why but I'm having trouble closing this chapter.

Dee74

Hi Lines

I never stopped after a bad binge - I had things like falling down stairs. falling through glass tables, upsetting people I loved to the point they never wanted to see or speak to me again....

I always picked up again.

When I did stop it was nearly dying - mini strokes etc - that did the trick. I had this small but sure voice telling me I'd die this way.

the fear didn't keep me sober but it did get me to a point where I was able to reconnect with my authentic real self again and change fundamentally,

I'm not sure I'm reading your post right tho - are you saying you were basically ok doing coke until this one bad binge? You don't really believe that do you?

D

Lines

The severity of that binge was similar to yours Dee. I pretty much blew up my whole life. Did so many things that went against my values. Cheating on my wife. Purposely doing something at work which I knew was wrong, illegal, and had the potential to ruin my employer. I knew it was wrong on one level, but my mind said it was ok because no one would ever know. There was a whole convoluted plan which really made no sense to a logical mind. A friend attempted suicide, I got very sick and ended up in the Intensive Care.

Looking back, before all that. Now I realize it wasn't ok to be using at all. It wasnt ok to feel about myself the way I was feeling. Or to push myself, to think unless I was so good and met certain expectations I would be a failure.

maybe this is what scares me. I thought I'd dealt with all that years ago in treatment. But those same feelings were present when I accepted the offer of the coke and started using again. But what does this all make me? An addict, stupid, emotionally broken STiLL? I dont know. Maybe I will always feel not good enough and always be in danger of doing something stupid and impulsive. And that affects not only me, but my wife. And kids if we start the family we want.

Dee74

It makes you one of us Lines.
Sounds like you're beating yourself up over things that you can;t go back and change now.

I made my life a living amends - still do in some respects I guess.

I can;t forget what I did but I've done more good things than bad now and that makes a difference.

I also feel fundamentally changed. I see getting high or drunk now for what it is - a horribly empty experience.

D

Lines

That's the thing. I'm always hard on myself. I worked hard to clean up the mess I made back then. My employer said I did what I did because I wasnt well. They knew me and that behavior wasnt align with who I was. And the experience and learning would make me even better at my job and give depth to my character. I'd learn and grow. Or some such terminology.. It has I guess. They were right. And I'm married to a saint. But if she wasnt with me, she would already have beautiful kids with someone else.

Think I'm in a down mood. Had a relative pass away. Had lived a long life but wasnt flawless. Thinking about life and the legacy we leave behind. What's important, and what time is wasted on. All my mistakes and stupidity. And the future.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Lines.

I dunno if we get second or third chances for a reason but I promised myself I'd make the best of mine. From where I'm standing, you seem to be doing the same .

D

brighterday1234

The sober life in recovery is a wonderful life. There is no need to have to take mind-altering substances as you’re at peace and content with yourself, life and the universe.

Lines

Thanks Dee. I know we all make mistakes and go down roads that lead to regret. I know all I can do is try to be the person I want to be, and live a life I'm proud of. Pitfalls and all. If you get back up I think it carries more weight than the part where you fell down. The shallow part of me still says I'm a stupid idiot. (double negative tnere).

D122y

The AV lingers for a lifetime. it will do and say anything to get me to relapse. I imagine being a binge cocaine user is similar to my doc, booze.

Lots of rationalization covered up my real issue which was brain damage from drug use. The brain damage is permanent. I will crave for life.

I have a few non drinking associates and they seem to really look down upon folks that got addicted or actively drink. They live in a whole different world.

Non drinker, never addicted don't have the patience for the addict mind.

I try to relate to both as it is my nature to try and get along. But, as my time clean continues to grow, I am finding less and less patience with the folks that can't seem to get it together and get off the active addiction train.

I imagine that is what it feels like dealing with a loved one who can't stop using and is altering one's life.

Words, words, words. Action.

Thanks.

Lines

After I initially stop and have a little while off, I dont crave the cocaine thankfully. I've been offered and turned it down over the years. But the effect of the drug is there in my memory. Same as what a chocolate bar tastes like, or what sex feels like. But the scary part, the negative memories, and my rational thoughts,,and value system are there too. Same as knowing I cant eat a box of chocolate bars, or hit on pretty ladies (other than my wife). I really need to stay focused on my life balance with work, and my perception of self. Drugs or no drugs, if I dont stay balanced then I dont feel well after a while.