Sunflower1964

I just need to talk to someone so here goes. My husband went to his sister's place yesterday to deliver masks I made and when he came back, he was stoned. I was pretty upset. I'm not the type of person to lash out, just totally shut down. I told him this morning that I wasn't ignoring him, I just had nothing to say, nothing at all.
I know that smoking pot isn't any worse than alcohol and both are legal here in Canada. The point is an addiction is an addiction is an addiction. It doesn't matter what substance you're using. When we met 11 years ago, he told me 5 months after that he smoked everyday until he met me. He wanted to meet someone who would change his life and I apparently am that person. He didn't tell me before because he feared I wouldn't go out with him and he's probably right. With talks of legalizing pot, he started talking about it more and more. I know he smokes every once in a while when he socializes with his family who all smoke.
To the point - for me, if he wanted to meet someone who would change his life, why is it ok now? He doesn't feel he's got an addiction, which he may or may not, same as alcohol. But what changed that he now feels the need to smoke? - he said he just likes it.
I stopped drinking 4 months ago. He hasn't stopped but tries to drink beer when I'm not around. It doesn't bother me, he obviously has a better handle on it than I do. I'm not even sure why I'm pissed off at him. I feel sad, I feel I'm being very judgemental of him and that's not fair. I don't know what to think today. I know we'll have to talk it out eventually, I don't know how to handle this.

Anna

Hi, and I'm glad that you've been sober for 4 months.

You said your husband smokes every once in a while when socializing with his family. If he doesn't think he's addicted, then it's not likely he will be motivated to stop smoking.I think you need to decide whether or not his smoking pot is something that you can't accept. If you can accept it, then maybe you can avoid being around him when he's smoking. If it's unacceptable to you, then what action will you take that will help you?

biminiblue

I think a lot of people can take it or leave it with pot and alcohol. Is that his situation, or do you feel like it's daily?

I was married to a man who drank and did drugs. I could out-drink him any day. He didn't smoke every day (as far as I knew) but I couldn't stand that smell.

We are divorced.

I wouldn't get involved with someone who was drinking or smoking every day at this point, but people do go through changes. You'll have to make that decision for yourself...if he kept it away from you and still was responsible in other ways would you be able to live with it?

Try to take it one day at a time and be calm. Your own mind is going a million miles an hour in early sobriety. Maybe give it some time before deciding.

Surrendered19

Hi Sunflower. That is a tough one. I don't think smoking pot is any different than drinking booze if it commands the proper place in your life. Us addicts cannot do any of that stuff if we want to live good lives, and for many of us, it is very difficult to be around, especially in early-sobriety. The fact that I live alone has been key for my sobriety going on 6 months. My environment is completely booze and drug free. Is perhaps what is nagging at you some resentment that he can use normally and maybe it is a difficult daily reminder of what we no longer can do? I also questions whether his weed use is under control. To go from a history of using every day to just occasionally is great in concept, but that is a very uncommon progression. I agree with biminiblue that you should sleep on that for a few days and take some time to decide what you want your life to be like. It is up to you.

Sunflower1964

Thanks for the very useful advice and comments. I will think about this for a few days. I'll keep you posted. In the meantime, just trying to stay sober.

Surrendered19

We are with you Sunflower. Sober here together and bumping our way down our roads.

PMAZ

I'm certainly no beacon of expertise when it comes to sobriety, but to me, it sounds like your own sobriety needs to be conquered before you deal with the husband.

What I just learned is that you can't expect your loved ones to be on the wagon unless you are. It's very hypocritical to complain if you use drugs/alcohol, too, and it frankly just builds distrust and resentment.

My opinion, for what it's worth as a someone sober for a laughable 3 days, is that you should stop alcohol for several weeks and then put your foot down. It's also my opinion that while I do not smoke pot, occasional use by a responsible adult is not a big deal. That said, if it's a big deal to you, then the husband will have to stop regardless of what he thinks. But you can't ask him to stop and you still drink. That absolutely will not work.

Good luck!

D122y

Agree that addiction is addiction. Folks that use drugs recreationally are recreationally addicted. Take away the drugs they will crave. Taking it or leaving it? Leaving it for how long. Use drugs 1 time a month, ok. I will call that recreational. Use them 2 times a week, that is addiction. Feel like you want to use more than once a month....addiction.

The issue lies in the brain damage all of these drugs do. CBD relaxes folks. But, if the brain is operating as designed, it doesn't need CBD to relax, the brain deals with it.

Since quitting this long my sleep is so much deeper. I don't stay frustrated like before. I am like a new man.

Explaining this to someone that considers themselves a recreational user is pointless. I have tried it and all it does is make trouble.

The user has to want to quit. Any urging or threats etc are a waste of time and will make things worse.

If things get weird, e.g. late for work, not living up to promises, or domestic violence, then it is different. I would not let a stoned person drive me or anyone I care about around. Under US law, this is DUI.

Thanks.

p.s. I think the trons cracked the code on the site. Working like a champ. Job well done.

Abraham

To me its a matter of if it causes problems in your life, like alcohol did for me. Personally I feel if you drink or smoke and its not causing issues then its not a problem. Just like someone who can casually, socially drink, thats not a problem. If you can casually, smoke and not have it interfere with life than go for it. I had to quit drinking cuz it was causing all kinds of problems and issues. Theres nothing wrong with drinking or smoking per se. Just like eating, nothing wrong with it as long as you dont eat/smoke/drink to much. The ole everything in moderation saying comes to mind. Best of luck to you with your sobriety.

Sunflower1964

Hi PMAZ, I have been sober for just over 4 months now! I don't expect my husband to stop drinking because I have. The pot question has been something that has always upset me, hence the reason he didn't want to bring it up in the beginning. Although I'm working on staying sober because it'll be a lifelong challenge, I haven't touched it since January 14th

Donnylutz

My fiance smokes weed every now and then with friends. I haven't touched it in years - after watching my mom die of lung cancer I refuse to inhale anything! That being said - if it was legal in my state I'd probably dabble with edibles occasionally. When I would smoke pot (years ago) it was never more than once every couple months - I'm sure many will disagree with me and that's fine, but to me personally weed just isn't an issue.

All of that being said - if you don't like that he's getting high, you may need to make some decisions and talk with him. Early sobriety is all about boundaries, and only you can create the ones you need!

Congrats on 4 months!

PMAZ

Oh wow. My bad on the part about you drinking. I put my phone down over and over at work and was not paying attention.

Have you asked him why he does what he does?

Dee74

Hi Sunflower1964

I had a very long addictive history with Pot and I hate it.

I'm a musician tho and I am sometimes around people who use it (tho not around me and I thank them for that) but I still get the smell, the red eyes, the Beavis and Butthead sniggers and the thousand yard stare,

Its annoying but it's not my problem to fix.

With a marriage tho I think it's probably something that needs to be discussed.

You have your own history with booze for sure but that doesn't you being able to have a say ion what goes on in your shared life with your husband.

As Anna said - is this a breaking point issue for you, or not?

Lines

A lot has changed in the industry from 11 years ago. My guess would be he's hearing more about it, especially from family members. (But it's also in the news, and discussion in the workplace). Then you add in the memory of using and the pleasurable side... But what were the negatives that made him decide to stop? I'd pose that as a question if you decide to discuss with him. It's legal a lot of places, like alcohol. However, I think the issue in all of it is really about balance, moderation, and how it fits into one's life.

congratulations on your decision to make positive changes regarding alcohol. He will have to make the decision regarding the use of weed. But, since your his wife and you reside together. Guess what? You get a say on what happens in your home. I dont use the stuff, but if I did I'm sure it would not be happening in the house. My wife would not want the smell or the smoke residing there. I would oblige because it's reasonable. (She also wouldn't want the smell on me, clothes, or near her). Point being, share your feelings in areas where it affects you, and ask him questions to make him think about the big picture. In a non- argumentative way of course. His behavior effects his relationships. Gives him another piece of the puzzle to figure in to the decision making process.

Sunflower1964

Hi PMAZ, I have asked him and he said he likes it, it relaxes him. God, if he was anymore relaxed, he'd be dead! He also has his beer to relax him. I think it's just something that he grew up with. His entire family smokes pot pretty much daily. I just can't understand how come he stopped for so long and wants to go back to it. He can't understand why it's such a big deal to me. Honestly, I think I may need to get over it as long as he's not 'addicted' or doing it in front of me.

Sunflower1964

Hi Dee, If my husband was a bad guy, it would definitely be a breaking point but he's a very nice man who respects me and is very supportive. I guess that's why I feel I need to just accept it. It's his issue, not mine and he doesn't feel it's a problem. So as long as he's not doing it in front of me, I think I'll try and bite the bullet. Until next time of course, when I get ticked off again! Luckily it doesn't happen often.

Sunflower1964

He doesn't do it at home (to my knowledge), just when he goes to visit his family which can be weekly for his uncle. I don't think he would do it here.