Gabe1980

Day 5.......No coffee.

Resisted the temptation for coffee this morning and that was a good call. I'm tired but I need to stay calm, so it's tea and toast this morning.

I found yesterday really hard. Thumping heart and that feeling like there is something really wrong. I am just going to try and take it a bit easier today. Working until early afternoon, then I think I might lay on the couch and watch TV.

What I noticed about my thinking.......

1. When I am in bed I think about alcohol a lot and all those thoughts around people/scenarios where I tell myself it's not possible to stay sober rise up. Last night though I just acknowledged them as thoughts that aren't real.....they are just pictures in my head that I don't need to put any stock in or believe. The minute I did that, they went.

2. I started wanting to shop......then caught myself. That's pretty normal too. It's a thing my mind does to distract me from thinking about things that are important and keeping my attention in the right place.

3. Obsessing about what I 'want to be' instead of learning to accept who I am.

Talk about conflicting emotions. It's amazing that I can be pissed off and grateful about the same things.

Anyhow, another day. I'm so glad it the weekend after today and I can switch off from work for a bit.

Have a good one everyone xx

Gabe1980

Day 6....

Sorry, no check in last night. I was just exhausted and couldn't do anything. I am so glad it's the weekend now; it's been a rough week. Got some very quiet plans. Clean, watching TV and sleeping. A bit of reading too. I'm going to start Ration Recovery and I'm pretty excited about that.

I decided to wait and read my old post/and that email, when I m feeling a bit stronger.

Lots of thoughts yesterday. Mainly about how much fear I live in and having a world view based on fear. I have the power to completely change my reality, through my thinking and it's just making sure I'm not always checking in with myself from a fear based place. It mainly comes from assuming I am doing everything wrong and be afraid people will 'find me me'. I've had this since I was in my early teen; it's insidious and I realised in counselling that applies to most things in my life. I think the drinking has mainly to cope with the fear.

I CHOOSE to differently. To approach myself and my life with a compassionate and supportive perspective. It's the least I can offer myself after twenty five years of this.

So....day 6.....onwards go. Hope you all have a good day and check in if you have the chance.

Gabe1980

Day 6....

Was a good day today. Loads of cleaning and productive stuff. A LOT better than the shape I was in last weekend. I shudder to think about it.

I think it's the definition of Mindful versus Mindless.

Hope you have all had a good one. Back tomorrow

Dee74

Congrats on day 6 Gabe!
D

Gabe1980

Thanks Dee

Gabe1980

Day 7.........

I'm really pleased. I have not had a week (without antabuse) since last year. It feels really good to know that I can drink, but I am choosing not to.

It's been an alright week. Anxiety has been off the charts at times, but I've also had really productive and lucid moments that have helped me learn and I feel like they have kind of propelled me forward. Been tired; not done as much reading etc as I have planned. Normally that feels like failure but I choosing to see this week as laying the ground work. I need rest, decent food, fluids, the house in order. I've been here everyday day too. It's a good start that I am going to build on. Next week; more walking, some reading and hopefully some writing too.

I'm been thinking about all kinds of stuff. It occurred to me yesterday........I really miss drinking......but drinking the way it was years ago. There nothing to miss now! I can't go back. I can't have those teenage years, where it's not yet ruining my life. I am here...now...and in the here and now, there is really NOTHING to miss. I certainly don't miss vomiting and blackouts. Waking up and not being sure if my husband hates me or is speaking to me. Smoking loads of cigarettes and feeling like ****. Whats to miss.

Good days or bad days sober; at least I can keep my self-respect.

Gabe xx

Dee74

well done on a week Gabe

venuscat

I think that is an awesome first week dearest Gabe. Big time.
Congrats again honey!!!!!!! ❤️

Orchid1

Congratulations Gabe!!!

I haven't been really counting the days but I have been looking at your posts to know where I am . Good on you! Excited to see what revelations next week will bring you! And how much strength you'll discover you have! Keep posting please.

freedomfries

I know what you mean
I miss the pre-addiction drinking, but there's no going back to that
Congrats on one week

listae

I'm on day 1, again. Started, again, to rationalize that I could drink. But I can't DRINK. I can work to be SOBER. So, my goal is to embrace sobriety and to have a sober last month of May.

venuscat

So much love dear listae. s

FF......there was no pre-addiction drinking for me.
I knew from the age of 14 that I was an addict....

Gabe1980

Thank you for the continued support and encouragement folks; much appreciated! Glad I am moving along day to day with you Orchid1

Good day today...bit lazy really. Movies, reading, ate cake and dyed my hair kickass red!!

I'm still tired but I realise I need more fresh air and exercise, for my mental and physical health. I am going to build in a walk most days next week, even if it's just half and hour. I like walking, so it shouldn't be too much of a chore.

I've been thinking today.......one of the good things to come out of experiencing lockdown is that before, I always felt like I should be doing some other/better than what I either am doing, or want to do. When I'm reading I feel like I should be exercising. if I'm wanting to stay home, I feel like I should be out doing something constructive. I give myself a really hard time for not being 'fill in the blank_ enough' Always failing.

Well you know what? I like being at home and I like doing all the stuff I do at home. I don't really like socialising and I like my own space and company and that.....is perfectly FINE!!!!! So, I'm sticking with it. Out goes the judgement and in come the stuff I actually like. I get that it needs to be a good balance but I'm never gonna be a bodyfit queen or a social butterfly. Thank god for that eh? Maybe it's good enough just being me.

Now in true me fashion it is 7.38pm and I want to go to bed early to read my book. Goodnight! Gabe xx

Have a good evening and love to everyone

Good luck on your day 1 Listae - you can do it!

Coz

Gabe - just wanted to say that I find your posts inspiring. You seem to be nailing this journey. And, congrats on starting week two!

BeABetterMan

Gabe, take me with you! Like said above, your posts are inspiring. I share a lot of your struggles but I believe that you can and will make it. And if you can, I can. Let’s do this!

Gabe1980

Aaaahhhh! I just wrote a big morning post and my computer crashed...................

Anyhow, good morning! It's day 8. I have to work now but I'll log in later with an update

Gabe1980

Jings....that was really frustrating earlier.

Day 8....

Thanks everyone for their post and I am really glad other folks are finding this thread helpful. BABM - I am really chuffed for you that you are back giving it a proper go, I've been keeping an eye on your thread and I know how hard it has been for you.

Thanks too Coz - I'm not sure about nailing it but I think I have my **** together this time! It's about time too. Three years of bouncing about with this and trying (but not hard enough) to get serious and get my head in the right place. TBH I don't think it could have been any other way for me.......I am such a slow and repetitive learner but once it sticks it tend to stick.

What I have realised is.....

- Approaching recovery with a 'right' and a 'wrong' mentality really has not done me any favours. It's not about right and wrong, it's about what works. I looked at it as something extra I had to do, on top of everything else, and that felt like pressure and most often I ended up failing because I felt overwhelmed. Gotta go to 4 meetings and work and meditation and exercise and weight loss/reading/posting here etc etc.........No wonder it felt like a punishment and I couldn't maintain anything Not funny really but I need to see the funny side!

So.....what's different you ask??

- This is life. My life. Not an extra thing added. Recovery will only work if I live it and I enjoy it. I am not adding anything that my heart is not in. There are lots of things to choose from recovery wise and I now realise that, if I chose wisely and listen to that wee voice that tells me if I am on the right track....I will be just fine.

- Building connection and relationships. That's where you lovely people come in and where I make a daily commitment to come here and be honest. Especially in relation to drinking.

- Blanket forgiveness. I started this a while ago as I was just being destroyed by shame and painful old memories. I decided the only way to move on was to give myself a permanent and complete forgiveness of what has happened in the past and commit to making a living amends by being a better person. This can be hard but I couldn't go on hating and blaming myself. I'm trying to love myself enough to enjoy and value this next life. I'm working really hard to forgive others too, because there were some old resentments there, hidden in the recesses of my damaged self.

If this crashes I'll go nuts!! Gabe xx

Gabe1980

Thank you Suze. You have been so great and I really appreciate it

venuscat

Just yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!

Recovery is an enormous part of my life.
And I do what I want to do , what feels good to me.

And then just to everything else you said. And I am glad the post didn't crash cos it made my day. s ❤️

And.....we have kind of been close since we met each other dear Gabe....I feel....you mean the world to me. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Gabe1980

Thank you Suze...I always trust your feedback....it does feel like a real shift in my thinking and I am trying to take each step at a time without too much judgement. Just trying to feel my way instead of thinking and pushing all the time. I'm pretty scared that this slips away....I've had some 'big' epiphanies in the past and still ended up a drunken state. I think difference will be coming here every.....single.....day.....

And I agree, we have always have been close.....the thing that struck me immediately when I came back this time (after many times drifting off and losing focus) was how quickly you were there, and Dee was there, to say 'it's okay, glad you are back and we are with you while you try again'. Big lump in my throat.

You mean the world to me too xxxxxx