Gabe1980

Hey DF. Good for you for pouring the rest of the vodka away. I am definitely at that self-care place of needing to invest time and energy into looking after myself. I am really frightened about the damage I have done and my body swollen and bloated just now. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. The is the definition of insanity; doing something again and again, and expecting a different result.......it's madness but it's addiction and I am realising (finally) after joining here in 2017, that if I don't talk about it, don't share what I am thinking, I'll always end up back there.

Onwards together my friend.......

Gabe1980

Hey Suze. Yeah, I was exactly the same. Uncomfortable, self-conscious and felt plain odd most of the time. I remember going to a counsellor in my early 20s and trying to explain that it was just humiliating being me. I think I have been on a mission to destroy myself since I was in my early teens........
Part of what goes on when I am in the first few months of being sober (before relapsing) is I'm totally focused on trying to be different.....thinner....fitter....better, better, better....it's exhausting and impossible....then I fail and drink.

My only aim now is to stay sober, be healthy and most importantly happy. That involves fruit and veg, walking and sleep, but it also involved chocolate, ice cream and an appreciation of my own personal weirdness....

I think you are simply wonderful too Suze

Gabe1980

I am working late tonight folks, so have to go. Signing off on a really positive note today.

Thank you for being here and take care. Gabe xx

Surrendered19

Glad you are doing well, both of you Gabe and DF. Sober together walking down our roads.

venuscat

Nite love. I hope you have a great sleep. s ❤️

prettiekittie

I was trying to articulate to my husband what you just said so clearly. “It was just humiliating being me.” I feel that sooooooo hard. I also like what you say about appreciation for your own personal weirdness. So important.

AlbaSober

Signing in to tick off a sober 3rd day.

A rare scorcher of a day in Scotland!

venuscat

Gosh, seems like all the good weather went to Scotland......on my way..... s ❤️

Gabe1980

I know. I remember trying to explain that and you just don't get it unless it's that way for you. It's not doing something humiliating......it's feeling that humiliation all the time. For me; I was the youngest of three, in a family of strong personalities and big brains and I was treated like a moron. Then when you drink like we do the humiliation just keeps coming; throw in an awful, abusive relationship and twenty years on you are still trying to figure out how you tolerate yourself.

Most of my healing was done through my marriage and through counselling. I honestly believe that the damage that is done through relationships needs to be healed through relationships too

As I write that I realise just how important this place is........that took some time for the penny to drop for me!

Gabe1980

Day 4.......first day I have woken up and felt back to normal, though still a big congested from all the smoking. This is when I start to get worried because that relapse 'high' I get turns in to day to day life again. This is where I start to feel vulnerable....

Now....I'm a real one for sign from the universe...gifts at the right time...that sort of thing. When I joined here in 2017 it was off the back of one of the worst drinking experiences I had had and I was scared half to death. I had woken up out of a black out, in a ditch on the side of the road, in the country where we lived. I came here, joined up and started learning. I also found a place that did counselling by email and I wrote about what had happened........I forgot all about it, but yesterday I found that email in my archive folder....I haven't read it for 3 years and I've not read it yet but I will. I had been thinking about going through my old threads but, up until now, I just couldn't do it. A while ago someone had gone back to that first post, when replying to a later thread and I was so angry....like why make me feel bad, when I am suffering already? But fair enough, totally fair enough; they were saying 'look what brought you here'........a horror show.

I decided this time, when I came back on Monday, that it was time to read them all.......and now I have found this email too.....frozen in time narrative from that horrible weekend. I think it's a gift.....it's exactly what I need right now....to face up to it all, own it, feel it and then choose to move on from it, in the most positive and gentle way I can.

So, Saturday will be the day. I'm not working, so I can be upset, reflect and take responsibility. It's taken so long to get here, but I'm here! 3 years in this recovery/binge cycle.....probably the most important 3 years of my life because I suffered and I learned. I'm excited, scared, doubtful, hopeful.....just everything. By the grace of god I go.

I am really enjoying and benefiting from writing this....so I am just going to keep it going. Thanks to everyone who reads it, I really appreciate it. Gabe xx

venuscat

I hope you don't get upset love, when you read back.... s

I will always remember that story, and I just keep feeling so grateful that you survived that.
I feel you fighting so hard to find Gabe in all of this, and I hope you end up loving her as much as we do. s ❤️

Gabe1980

I think I will be pretty upset but I'll be hanging around here for support. I need to do it but I'm dreading it. Thanks Suze, it's always so good to log on and hear from you.

How are you getting on in the middle of all this chaos....I hope you are okay. Love you too

Gabe1980

Well......it ended up being a rough day. I felt great this morning but was aware I was really 'high', not artificially but just high. I thought I'd treat myself to a proper coffee or two and then was in a state of panic the rest of the day.....guess I am not really that okay. Tired, emotional, finding it hard to work from home. It's all a bit much and I'm not sure what to do with it all....I'm going to go to bed and get some rest....see how things are tomorrow.

I think it's made me realise I need to watch how I go......maybe the digging around in the past can wait until next weekend, I don't have the heart for it now. It's a balance; I don't want to lose momentum but I might be running before I can walk again.

Still sober though, that's what counts xxx

venuscat

I was not at all OK last week.....for quite a few weeks it must have been because Dee mentioned I had been saying for a while that I was not OK.
I had a very challenging time with my landlady renovating the other half of this house (broken into two apts) for two months. We had masses of contractors and noise when most people were complaining about it all being too quiet at home. I lost my mind. And then I had a tragedy outside.....my baby bunny was stolen and killed....and I will never forget it.
I was a lunatic....I ran down the street after the cat screaming and crying and someone called the police because they were worried about me. OK then....that was the day I decided to get counselling. Which I did.

Situational depression....I knew it was....I had 4 really good sessions with the counsellor and now I am doing my best to implement her advice on a daily basis. ❤️

venuscat

So many hugs......yes, please make sure you are ready before you go digging. s
Be gentle on yourself love. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Gabe1980

Oh Suze, that sounds really tough...sometimes it's hard to see how tough things have been when you are in the middle of it. I'm sorry you have been going through all that, especially when lockdown and everything else has been happening.

Good for you for getting counselling. I did the same earlier in the year and it really helped me too. Let me know if I can do anything hun or if you need an ear, I'm around xxxxx I'm steady enough to be there for other too and it would be my pleasure, honestly.

Look after yourself and mind how you go. Lots of love from across the water xxxx

Gabe1980

I think you are right. Maybe wait a wee while before doing anything that is going to make me feel awful about myself. I've been a bit emotionally all over the map since the weekend and a few quiet days resting and reading seems best for now.......and posting here too of course! xxxx

AlbaSober

Checking in as I finish day 4 sober. A wee 8 mile walk this evening before the rain comes in so my feet are a little bit hot!

Keep writing Gabe and others - writing can be cathartic and it's reassuring that others have their struggles and we're not in this alone.

Same time tomorrow.

venuscat

A wee 8 mile walk.....wow love.....go you. I bet you feel wonderfully tired. I hope you have a fantastic sleep. ❤️

Gabe1980

Good for you Alba.....walking is such a great way to get fit and clear your head.

Thanks as well for this....I was feeling quite paranoid yesterday that I was just writing a load of rubbish, that no one would want to read. It's good to hear that it is helpful for other people to. My confidence is sky high one minute....then on the floor the next. It's exhausting!! Well done on day 4. Onwards together