BeABetterMan

I just finished a big presentation I've been working on for work. I did a decent job and that's all that really needed to get done this week. Which, in the old days (just weeks ago), I could shut down and start drinking right now and if I wanted until Sunday. My brain started whispering that to me. I recognize it, I know where it leads, and the truth is if there was any chance on God's green earth that I could actually just drink until Sunday, I might entertain it. But the truth is it could easily last 10 days, I might drive drunk, I would miss a week of work, maybe the cops would be involved, maybe the emergency room, certainly some very very dark thoughts and shame. So yeah, I think I'll skip it.

But what will I do instead? Well, I took the dogs on a hike, now I'm gonna take a nap (don't hate me cuz you ain't me) I will attend a meeting tonight and tomorrow night. I'm going to identify one or two projects to work on and try to plan out my days so I don't have a lot of idle time. I should not ever drink again and some days/weeks are just easy, some are harder. I'm wondering if today is hard because I spoke briefly to an ex last night. We are both sober now, so it didn't turn to chaos but maybe there is something lingering there that set me off. I know I shouldn't talk to her. But ... codependency.

Side note: on our hike yesterday a HUGE swarm of bees flew over my dogs and I, and I mean huge. It startled me and I was so grateful nothing happened. Then I read in the paper last night that 2 or 3 dogs were attacked and killed by bees right by where we were, I mean a straight line from where where were along the direction the bees were travelling. I'm convinced that it was the same swarm. So many things happen in my life where I think God is really doing me a solid.

Dee74

I'm glad you and the dogs were ok - and congrats on making some great work and recovery choices BABM

D

Anna

I'm so glad your dogs and you were not attacked by the bees.

It sounds like you're working on keeping busy with recovery and work, with some extra time for hiking.

BeABetterMan

Today I had about a 1 hour period where I was a hair's width away from drinking. I was conjuring up all of these ideas of how it would just be for a day, maybe two. How good it would feel to NOT FEEL. I'm so glad I escaped that urge. I expect it to be around today and tomorrow pretty heavy. Scary disease indeed. Imagine a cancer patient that is in remission saying, I don't want to be alone tonight, or I just want to be numb so I'm going to go get some more cancer which might spread to my entire body and kill me. It just would not happen, but with addicts, it is actually a hard decision. Insanity.

Dee74

Yeah I had to frame my desire to drink in similar fashion. Its a ridiculous choice to make.

D

january161992

yep thinking thru the consequences always worked for me!

well done!