Flowing

I've had stretches of sobriety throughout the last 10 years, the fluctuation from pink cloud to PAWS to possibly reality is just too hard to adjust to.

I am currently in a phase of trying to control alcohol and I'm drinking around 12 units a day.

I just can not commit to sobriety. I wish I could but when I'm sober all I see are the attractions of alcohol and the benefits of drinking. I'm not sure I'll ever fully believe I am sober.

Surrendered19

Hi Flowing. I made countless attempts to "control" my drinking over the 30 years I drank. Looking back, I never had one moment of control over any of it. I was fooling myself so that I could keep drinking.

You definitely can commit to being sober for the rest of your life without believing you are perfect and flawless. You will always be a person, one of us, who was ravaged by alcohol. You will always think about it. Daily I recall the destroyed and lost decades that I drank, the fleeting 30 minute maniacal high that alcohol provided, followed by the crushing comedown and hangovers and desperation. That will always be a part of me and I don't need to forget any of that to believe that I am sober for good.

I hope you can stop drinking for good. You don't need to believe that you will be sober forever. You just need to be sober today and take it a day at a time. Deprivation did not work for me as a model for looking at this. We live in a world awash in alcohol and I can have a bottle of vodka in my hands in 5 minutes. I tell myself that nobody has taken my freedom. I can drink any time I want. I am just not going to drink today.

tomls

I felt the same way for a lot of years. I didn't think I could ever change my life and the way I Functioned every day enough to stay sober. About 4 years ago I could have sworn that I was going to drink myself to death and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I guess I just realized how sick I actually was and decided either I do this or I am going to die. And if I hadn't did what I did I really don't think I would be alive today. If we can do this you can do this. Won't you join us?

Sober369

Hi Flowing. It might help you to write it all out. You could even make two lists, one saying all the reasons you want to stay sober, one saying all the reasons you want to drink. It also could be very helpful for you to talk it through with someone.
I had a hard time quitting because I was still able to function while drinking for a long time. The consequences were awful, but not immediate. Such as, I lost my ability to form and keep relationships, but I could still work and pay my bills. It was a sad way to live, but not bad enough at the time to get me to stop. It's only when my health got really bad that I got the motivation. I hope it doesn't take that for you.
I hope you can come to a decision. Sending hugs.

brighterday1234

Get totally abstinent from alcohol and get into a program of recovery. Once you start recovering you’ll see things very differently.

CRRHCC

" all I see are the attractions of alcohol and the benefits of drinking."

Google, "The Freedom Model: Freedom from Addiction." The Freedom Model clarifies our choices with evidence based medicine. Bottom line is humans for the most part are reward based in their behaviors. In other words we do what we perceive to make us the most happy at a particular moment in time. The quick fix or mood changer of substances is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned when you understand your beliefs and motivations.
Bottom line, is the
only way you will stop desiring heavy substances and change your behavior is by
seeing more happiness (value) in the
change than in the using.

biminiblue

I wouldn't call 12 drinks controlling it, though.

If you believe you can or you believe you can't, you're right.

Anyone can commit to sobriety. You just haven't yet.

doggonecarl

After the discouragement of many failed attempts, I had also resigned myself to a lifetime of drinking. But at age 53 I was ready to commit to sobriety. More importantly, committed to a lifetime of recovery. I will have ten years of sobriety in Sept.<br>

Anna

If you believe that you can't be sober and recover, then it won't happen. Motivation in recovery is very important. I do hope that you get to the point where you are ready to commit.

ZIP

Flow', there are no benefits of drinking if you're downing a 12 pack. Just sayin'...

D122y

The only benefit for me was a lie. It was my AV tricking me. It would say, I am partying it up, they are not. I win.

Another one was, I need booze to fall asleep. What a terrible lie. Drunk sleeping was probably worth about 50% of the sleep I get now. Sleeping with natural internally created melatonin is a gift from God.

It is one of the natural highs I get since I quit. Natural endorphins, dopamine, and adrenaline are all on point these days.

Back when I was a drunk, I would be half way home from work on a Tuesday night drumming up reasons to get pissed at my coworker, boss, or wife. I would have a busy day scheduled the next day.

I would pick up my bottle at the liqueur store and drink 6 units in my drive way. I would tell myself that was it. Then I would lose count and drink 6 more units. I would finish half the bottle.

I would have to wake up at 2 am for work. I would be a smelly wreck. I was a joke.

Not anymore.

The road was long and hard. I suffered and made it so fare. I held the keys to my chains. SR saved my life.

Until I had a major mental/physical breakdown, I could not quit. The addiction was too fierce. If you don't suffer similar feelings, I can relate to how difficult it is.

Keep trying. With eventual quitting as your plan, drinking less is better than the status quo. I will not guilt trip you.

Just don't quit trying to quit.

Thanks.

Lines

Did you talk to your doctor? They do have some medications to help with cravings and such. 12 a day is a lot. What is your quantity when not trying to control it?

wiscsober

My best to you ... I was very much like you ...

Hawkeye13

I could never control my drinking after it got to a certain stage.
I also could never imagine a happy life without alcohol.
Now I can't imagine a happy life with alcohol in it.
You just have to stick it out for a good long sober period and your perspective and feelings will change drastically.&nbsp;<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I never would have believed that while still drinking, but it turned out to be true.</span>

BeABetterMan

Sorry, but this is funny, "all I see are the attractions of alcohol and the benefits of drinking". The benefits of drinking, lol.

JK130

"when I'm sober all I see are the attractions of alcohol and the benefits of drinking"<div><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 12pt;">For me, the opposite was/is true. When I was drinking, I always wanted more. Alcohol was attractive when I was tired, or celebrating, or alone, or trying to sleep, or stressed, or, eventually all of the time for no reason at all. I ended up alone forever and without a job for awhile.&nbsp;</span></div><div><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Now, I see no benefits of drinking. Staying alive and well in the midst of an increasingly complex and dangerous world seems hard enough to do sober.</span></div>

Dee74

Hi Flowing

support made the difference for me. I needed to know I wasn't alone and I needed to hear I had to do more than just not drinking - I needed to focus on how to build a sober life I loved.

what kinds of things have kept you sober in the past?

D

awuh1

The key may lie in finding out exactly WHAT alcohol is the temporary fix FOR. For some it is anxiety. For others it is depression. Poor self esteem figures into the mix for many. Fear is at the root of much of this. Lets not ignore that distinct emptiness that is, for many, a thirst for a spiritual solution.

What is the problem that alcohol is the fix FOR? Squarely facing this question is typically as as difficult as it is productive.