Smilax

Ok so maybe not down the drain. I’m going to try to practise more self compassion. Honestly 2 years is very good. Just need to get back on the wagon.

 But yeah the last few months have been extremely difficult for me emotionally and I have slipped up multiple times. Drank a bottle of wine 4 or 5 times in the past 2 months. I suppose the good thing is that each time it never progressed to daily drinking as it did in times passed when I slipped up. Indeed that urge just doesn’t exist anymore at all.

 I knew I was taking an emotional risk and hence then a risk with drinking when I started to try dating a few months ago. Long story I’ve never had a relationship and that is something I’ve always wanted. I don’t wish to die alone, I don’t wish to live my life the lonely man I’ve been all these years.Â

But recognizing that I’m needy and emotionally prone to codependency I knew that relationships would be very hard for me. I have a therapist and have done a lot of self work but it’s not easy.

The woman I started dating seemed to be rather emotionally unavailable which I suppose when combined with my codependency was a recipe for a lot of anxiety on my end. I eventually told her I can just be friends right now and am struggling with my depression too much. She knows of my issues with depression etc. We have remained friends and talk most days... which honestly remains difficult for me in and of itself.


 What I did not bargain for in all of this was that I would have to face the anxieties and emotional strain of the pandemic while also trying to push my comfort zones in terms of a relationship. Things reached a real dark place a month or 2 ago and I was actually kind of suicidal for one day. I ended up drinking instead and since then several days as well.

Last night drank enough to throw up. I’m hoping that is enough of a lesson to get back on the wagon again. I know I can. Honestly all of this, despite how difficult it has been I think is good for me emotionally. It’s a growing and learning experience in being able to handle all of this, even if I haven’t always handled it the best. I’ve honestly handled it a lot better than I would have years ago. So... not the best news for me... but it could be worse. Onwards and upwards I guess.

Stable

I can understand your situation being long term single myself.

The pressure of the dating has pushed you out of your comfort zone and back to the bottle.

It is very depressing drinking again after 2 years. If your an alcoholic the best thing you can do is stop now.

I was sober for 5 months 9 day and had a drink end of August and have struggled to get sober ever since.

All we have is today so think about not drinking today instead of losing 2 years.

D122y

I sent you a PM about the single situation.

Your relapse after 2 years is a wake up call for anybody, like me, that think they are out of the woods.

Thanks for that.

No advice from me on what to do now, except stay clean. If I relapse I would be just like you or worse because I am heavily kindled.

Thanks.

itsmaria

Hey there, not much to say except I hope you can be gentle with yourself. I'v'e never been in a long term relationship, I find friendships hard too. I'm pretty isolated other than chatting with neighbours.
It's good you tried to explore and push your boundaries and of course however it turned out it would stir up a lot of stuff, and then on top of the pandemic- tough mix of things to deal with for sure.
But it's just one step at a time. Just wanted to say I hear you and it's very courageous of you to try to connect with people. Even if it's difficult or doesnt work out, hopefully you can learn, and keep talking steps forward. I'm trying to take my own advice too!

Verdantia

I am sorry that you drank, Smilax--but as you realized, it isn't two years down the drain. You learned a lot during that time and you can use the knowledge to fine-tune your recovery plan. I have to be so careful even though I have 4 years, 4 months of sobriety now; previously I'd got complacent, thought I could handle it, and started drinking after 15 years. It was a terrible situation and I thank God now that I am in a strong place--I know that I don't have another quit in me--if I drink again, I will die. I hope that you stick around here and post often. SR is a vital part of my recovery, and I stop by several times a day. Wishing you all the best.

Plure

Two years is awesome! To me having a slip up at that point doesn't mean it's all down the drain...it was just a moment of weakness that you can move past.

Reid82

You certainly haven't lost the two years of recovery. It's unfortunate that you drank again and I hope you can get right back on track shortly- please don't go too far down the rabbit hole again, it doesn't get any better, that's for sure.

Dee74

Im glad you made it back Smilax
Its true that you're not starting from scratch - I think it's very important to use what you've learned to stop the slide and get back to recovery. ...a recovery that's not dependent on on feelings or life events...a recovery that endures...no matter what?
D

Hevyn

I'm so glad you returned to talk about what happened, Smilax. We are your friends & we're here to encourage you. Sometimes we need further proof that drinking is never going to do a thing but bring us regret & misery. As you said - this has been a growing & learning experience.

Anna

I'm glad you're back, and good for you for being compassionate with yourself.

Misssy2

You have 2 years sobriety...no one can take that..never say "I HAD" two years...you have it still with you....these last few months you have had a relapse back to drinking...stop again and continue with your time sober.....everyone has only just one day...

sugarbear1

How many friendships have you established and maintained in the last two years?
We practice being a friend by having friends. This can lead to a new friendship that can blossom into a relationship.
Congrats on the 2 years, here's to starting again!!

Dee74

Hows it going Smilax?
D

Smilax

Thank you everyone for the kind replies, it means a lot!

Smilax

Hi Dee
I'm doing pretty good actually all things considered. Thank you for asking. It's strange I hardly got any sleep last night at all due to drinking the day before and I guess the withdrawal from that, anxiety. It's a good thing honestly that I felt terrible the last 2 days (minus today), it's very good incentive not to go back.

Funny thing about me though is that I often feel very good after a day of almost no sleep lol. I could crash tomorrow, but that's tomorrow's problem. As I just posted earlier as well I'm recognizing the need yet again to be kind with myself.

The returning to the bottle is just a symptom / sign of the underlying issue. Honestly for me it's never been about the alcohol but about the depression, and the head space I end up finding myself in. The alcohol is just an attempt to numb and escape from a place where I feel trapped. I need to remind myself there are other outlets and as well to have more compassion for myself for where I am.

Delilah1

I am glad you are back Smilax!

BeABetterMan

Smilax, I understand that loneliness. If you look at any of my posts I’m constantly wrestling with it. I’m also badly codependent. But I do not give up hope. Something that works for me is that I now pray and hope for happiness in whatever form that will take. I truly believe God gives us what we need, it just takes time and reflection to see it.
I truly feel compassion for you friend. I’m so glad you posted. You sound like a great guy with a giant heart. Hope to see more posts from you.