BeABetterMan

I told myself I'd try to start journaling or at least checking in a lot. I'm not going to put high expectations on this thread. I don't know what it will become but here goes.

It's 11pm where I am. I am sober. All three of my kids are tucked away and sleeping well all around the house. Not a single one in the bed they're supposed to be in. I made homemade pulled pork tonight. They liked it. The brussel sprouts, not as much, lol. I have the kids for 3 nights. When I have them I don't drink. Period. I really haven't ever done it much, but after April of 2019 when I got drunk in front of my oldest, I don't. I'm still dealing with a lot of shortness of breath at night which I believe is caused by anxiety. The whole time with the kids I was doing great but as soon as i took my nightly meds, the heart started racing, shortness of breath, but it was not new, so I didn't overreact, I just rolled with it.

I hate being so flaky and almost hypochondriachy. I guess I should be kinder to myself, I definitely have an anxiety disorder, so maybe I shouldn't beat myself up for getting anxious. Hmm, there's a thought.

Work is going better, my kids are amazing and special and perfect in their own ways. Looking forward to the coming days, but as always, I dread trying to fall asleep tonight.

I just need to get some solid sobriety and a lot of these things will solve themselves.

I will turn to you God, please don't turn away.

Day 2 of sobriety (it's actually slightly more, but I picked a later sobriety date because it has meaning.)

Be123

Good night betterman, good job on being a good parent and hope you sleep well

Delilah1

Lots of great stuff in this post. Sounds like you’re a great dad. You are also worth being sober for on days that you don’t have the kids.
I can relate to the anxiety, and not being able to fall asleep, it’s 11:37 here and I’m dealing with the same thing!

Surrendered19

I hope sleep came BABM. I am nearly 6 months sober and don't sleep that well. But even in the dead of night, I relish and love the sober moments. At 3 a.m. I try to be grateful and remember that although in the morning, I might be drowsy, I won't be hungover and feeling like I may die. I will be here on SR reading, doing my crossword puzzle, making breakfast for the girls, drinking coffee and enjoying a calm and clear mind. That sleep thing is elusive in recovery but try to make it a positive.

Anna

I hope you got some rest last night and good job on Day 2.

BeABetterMan

I ended up sleeping horribly. So I grabbed my youngest out of her spot and put her in my bed. I slept with my hand on her back. That was helpful. Still, I was up all night, but the kids are at the age where they allow me to sleep in which is a godsend. And when I say they let me sleep in, what I mean is they come in my room every 20 minutes to ask for things until I get up, lol. But seriously, they are a lot better know that they are in the 9-12 age ranges. Love you guys.
By the way, another thing I worked on while falling asleep, was catching and arresting those runaway "how can I fix everything and everyone in my life in a day" thoughts, and saying, "God, please fix what needs fixed and allow me to live with the rest." That and the serenity prayer. It helped.

nez

I find a tremendous healing power in touching contact with another human. Solidifies the thought of we are all in this together. Fits in with my belief in the interconnectedness that courses through the universe. No man is an island, and even if he were, he couldn't be an island without the help of the ocean; because without the ocean he would just be another outcropping of land on a larger land mass. :~)

BeABetterMan

I agree Nez and that personal human touch is what I've been longing for for over a year. I have dated a couple of girls but there was nothing there. So when the kids are here I CHERISH that opportunity. And my kids and I are all very loving and hands one with one another. The hardest laugh we had last night was when my oldest (12) and I were walking through the kitchen past each other and at the same time smacked eachother's booties. That's another reason I love it when they're here. Because they are three people that love me and I love unconditionally, so our interactions are just pure. I mean, the oldest has drama, the younger two bicker, but there are no motives, just love. It's awesome.

PeaceManic

Heh I'm kind of on the autistic side touch wise. When looking after my neice and nephew I didn't like being hands on, literally. But feck it use kids to recharge your phone if they are good at relaying electric. Good to get them working the freeloaders.

BeABetterMan

Another great day to be alive. Spent the day with the kids. We did what we do and just had a fun day. I was really tired because I sleep terrible, but so be it. I'm not stressing that. Tonight I skipped an anti-anxiety pill I usually take and feel much better without it. So that's a great thing.


The one thing I'm struggling with, and it's a common struggle for me, is that literally not once did I think of drinking today. But there is this constant underlying fear that I'll want to drink again and that I won't be able to say no.

I realize this sort of looking ahead is self sabotage, but it like the book says, self-knowledge avails us nothing. So it is on my list of things I need to work on.
All kids are tucked away. I walked my oldest off a cliff - she is 12 and everything is a catastrophe. I was a good role model though and helped her deal with a problem with patience and dedication and with a little luck it turned out well and her attitude improved greatly from that point.

Oops, I have to run, one of them is up and I need to rub her back to sleep. Which is something I'm actually grateful for.

God bless you all.

Be123

Good work BABM. Day three complete and you head into day four. I'm impressed you haven't drunk around your kids, there must be some sort of internal strength, or some techniques, or just a mindset, that has worked for you in this? For me it was harder to drink sometimes and not others than it is not to drink at all, so you've obviously got something good to tap into

Surrendered19

Going into those teen years BABM, remember that teens are like cats and need to be treated as such. You chase them and they'll crawl under the couch desperate to get away from you. But if you let them come to you they'll come back again and again and be sitting on your shoulder pawing your ears and face and looking for attention.

BeABetterMan

I’ve intuitively kind of figured that out but never heard it stated so well.Â

BeABetterMan

Saturday is coming to an end. There is so much in my head and also nothing. I'm just so blessed to have such great children. I blessed to have a really great ex-wife that does so much heavy lifting raising them. I'm blessed to be sober today.

But I'm also absolutely filled with fear. Fear of stillness. Fear of the future. Fear of myself. Fear that I will turn away from God. Fear that I will be alone. Fear fear fear.

I've been reading a post every day in the 12-step forum, I think it's called the Daily Readings. It is UNBELIEVABLE. I'm usually struggling thinking about what I can do for my sobriety, specifically what I can read, or how I can relate to the world or God or anything. These readings are incredible and I hope that I continue to read them every night and every chance I get.

Love and hope to all of you. Sincerely.

Be123

Well done on another sober day and Loving parenting. I feel scared a lot of the time. That's because I was used to medicating every single emotion with alcohol. Sober life is quite scary at times. But that's cool because that's what it is

BeABetterMan

Warning! Rant to follow:

Crap. Blah. Bleh.

I'm sober. Yay? lol.

I mean, just. Ugh. I'm so damn impatient. Kids are back with their mom and I'm already missing them terribly. Did what I normally do, took a nap, took the dogs on a hike, cleaned excessively, attended an online meeting, and over ate.

So discontent. So impatient.

I was on a beautiful hike, no one around, weather was perfect, dogs were off-leash as usual and loving it and I was still a jerk. And here I sit, dreading the moment I have to close my eyes and be alone with my thoughts. Have a new position at work that is just ripe for growth, it's long-term which is what I've wanted, the people are nice and I feel like I already am and will fail miserably because I don't know how to commit to things. What a bunch of caca. 29 years of suppressing my true emotions and I expect to be a normal person right away.

I do not feel close to God today. And I feel fat, lol.

Delilah1

Sorry, you are feeling that way tonight, but it sounds like you had a really great time with your kids. The new position also sounds great, what will you be doing? When do you start?

BeABetterMan

Hi Delilah, I'm not as bad as I sound. I just want to be honest in this post, but I also realize I my attitude is a big contributor, so ... noted.

I already started the role. I'm very good at what I do...or did that is. This is a new arena for me. I'm leading a team of software, electrical and mechanical engineers, and my background is mechanical only. It's like learning to write with my left hand. But everyone is great, and I'm talented, I know if I put my mind to it, it will be fine. But I've fallen into such a pattern of laziness for almost a decade. I'm just scared. I'm reading a book called Deep Work. It is pretty eye opening and I hope will help refocus me.

By the way, thanks for asking

Surrendered19

When the kids are with their Mom and it is just you and the dogs, try rethinking the labels you give to solitary time. Initially I had feelings of loneliness and isolation and boredom. But I really examined all that and I think that us addicts are simply not used to and not comfortable with quiet, calm and solitude. Although not everyone you love is around you all the time (they never are really), the time by yourself has great value in and of itself. Just my $.02.

Good luck in your new gig. It sounds like you are MORE than up to the task.

Be123

I feel for you going from being surrounded by people you love to the opposite. That must be really tough.

Hows things today?