Wastinglife

Now that I am sober, I am starting to remember details of my last binge which lasted 2-3 weeks or so.
I was triggered by a homeless looking dude who moved in right next door. Pretty sure they were smoking meth. I passed the dude in the hallway and he was just disturbingly creepy looking.
I was seething in anger that my building let this guy in during a pandemic. He moved in during the middle of the month. Very odd. Its always the first of the month people move in. Don't know if it was a short term rental or not.
Anyway, I got blackout drunk and lost it. I was trying to kick the neighbours door down in a fit of rage. Later on, police showed up and arrested me under the Mental Health Act. Was brought to the ER and handcuffed to the bed.
I was released shortly thereafter. I was drunk, not having a mental health crisis. When I drink too much/blackout, I can lose my temper and go into a rage if provoked. I was provoked by my neighbor. He probably had know idea that I wanted to punch him.
This was over 2 weeks ago, just remembering now. I'm not even sure if things happened this way. No charges were laid.
Now on a medication, Gabapentin, which is great for alcohol cravings. I'm glad I didn't hurt anyone....

Surrendered19

Holy crow WL. I'm glad you pulled out of that mess without larger consequences. How are you today. Sober? Drinking? I hope you are the former, but if the latter, we can work on that. Next time a person moves into the building, regardless of what you think their plight might be, try to remember that you and I are the same as them. No better. No less dangerous. No more guilty. We have all done the same things to varying degrees. I hope you are well today WL.

Wastinglife

I am sober, but still a ticking time-bomb. Lots of pent up anger that I am afraid of taking out on someone if I am provoked.

Anna

WL, I'm sure that must have been very scary for you. I'm glad you got through that and good for you for 2-3 weeks of sobriety.
I hope you can find some healthy ways to deal with your anger.

Surrendered19

Just make sure you really examine the definition of provoked. Provoked does not mean being a person near you whom you don't know. It doesn't mean a person you suspect of something, particularly if you have been using. Provoked means a real, provable and immediate threat to your physical safety as perceived by a person in his right clear and sober and reasonable mind. Can we agree on that?

JK130

Your safety (and freedom) and the safety of others are powerful reasons for you not to drink, ever. Alcohol will not help you get control of your anger, violence and feelings of being righteously provoked. Does "ticking time bomb" mean you're still upset by the new neighbor? What else works to defuse the rage? If support and discussion help, you're in the right place.

Wastinglife

It was not intentional on this guy's part. Just stressed like everyone else. I live alone and the isolation is getting to me.
Apartment is a mess and I can't even clean. I think the medication I started on yesterday will be a huge help. If I am drinking/hungover, I completely ignore any sort of self-care. It's the alcohol that messes with my emotions. I'm not always an angry person.

JK130

Try tiny steps with the self care. Taking a shower and clearing off one area of the apartment would feel good. What have you got to eat? Maybe use money that you would have spent on alcohol to have a favorite food delivered. Tomorrow, do another small chore (and keep going).Talk online with family and friends (that includes SR). Music helps motivate some. Is it safe to take a walk where you live? If not, focus your cleaning on a floor space near a window to move, bend, and stretch. Sunshine, exercise, food and rest as you organize your home will help you feel better sooner. Imagine yourself well enough to connect your sober self to the people who live around you. And, you really, really need a plan to keep keep away from alcohol.

Dee74

I'm sorry WL.
I think a recovery plan needs to be strong and flexible enough to deal with anything - cos lie will throw anything at us.

Drinking only bought trouble to you not to the neighbours doing whatever they were doing.


I know you have some trauma in your past and some ADHD issues - but other people have managed to stay sober with those things - I think you can too
I really hope this is the time you find that 'no matter what' factor.
D

DontRemember

Damn,dude.. you're lucky you didn't get shot/killed. You posted about those new tenants on here and it seemed like you were drinking...you need to admit to defeat against the booze. It will/can take your life at any given moment. I personally, would have shot someone kicking in my door.

MythOfSisyphus

I can feel that. I also live alone and am telecommuting. For the most part I'm kind of a loner or at least low key, don't go out much and of course since I quit drinking seven years ago I quit the party scene. The isolation is getting to me as well. Even though I'm not a social butterfly just being about to go see a movie or have dinner in a restaurant was a big release valve. The couple of good friends I normally hang out with regularly are also under quarantine so I'm just staring at the walls 24/7.
Hang in there, Wastinglife. The good times are sometimes transitory but so are the bad. We'll all get through this to a new normal, waiting on the other side. I think most of us on this forum know the shame of doing outrageous things when we were drunk. The shame will fade but hang on to the feeling and any wisdom it lead to.

Wastinglife

All the AA meetings are shutdown. They are a good part of my sobriety and allowed me to get out on a regular basis. Sitting in my apartment all the time is hard. I get out for walks, shopping etc. but otherwise so bored....

BeckoningCat

Do you ever go to on-line meetings?

Wastinglife

I'm not actually sure if I did kick the neighbor's door or not. But I was making a lot of noise. I don't have a clear memory. But that was about 12th time I've been arrested....

BeckoningCat

I remember your posts being angry about the meth users in the hallway. Whether or not you actually kicked the door probably doesn't matter. You were angry and making noise by the door or beating on the door or something like it. You are sober now, which is awesome.

Lines

Good to hear you got through it, but serious stuff there. Has to be hard to start remembering. Do you have anyone to help you design an overall plan encompassing all of the the things your dealing with? One of these times, it may not end as well.

Reid82

Sounds very messy and dangerous. Hope you can make sobriety stick this time! I had a lot of crazy incidents too down the years.

Wastinglife

I'm spending all my money on these binges that go on for days. It's a shame I can't really remember if I had enjoyed myself. It's my life circumstances in general. I have ruined my life and don't see a way out of my misery. I am kind of resigned to the possibility of dying in the next few years. Sobriety doesn't change anything. Still bankrupt and unemployable. Completely alone. No real family. At 43, that's pretty much it. Sounds morbid but it's how I feel. I have no reason to not drink. I can't think of one thing.

Dee74

I turned my life around at 40 WL.

I really believe its never too late to start a Chapter Two.
You've got underlying problems sure, and a bad history of trauma - but so did I.
I let nothing hold me back, nothing stand as a reason to keep drinking.
I really think you should do the same.

I hope you will.
D

BeckoningCat

You already named some reasons not to drink. You spend your money and you can't even remember if you enjoyed yourself. You also said in your earlier posts how relieved you are that you didn't hurt anyone. So that's another reason not to drink, you don't want to hurt anyone. Don't hurt yourself, you're a someone.