Wastinglife

I am sure I suffer PTSD symptoms. Quite a few traumatic experiences beginning in childhood. My father was a Coroner and brought me to car crashes and death scenes as a child. I've seen corpses with missing heads at terrible crashes. As a 9 year old I might add. This was the mid 1980's mind you. Wouldn't happen today.

Those things don't even bother me as much as more recent experiences. I fell in Lake Ontario a few years ago. Almost died from hypothermia. Had to bottle it up and pretend it never happened. Made my drinking far worse and was eventually evicted from my apartment because I was causing disturbances. Probably will be evicted from my current place too when this pandemic passes because there are some people who may trigger a reaction in me that will end badly....

However, I am sober and taking a new medication which is doing wonders for me.

Dee74

I don't see why things need to end badly.
If you're aware of a problem whether it be ADHD or PTSD you can do something about it.
I know..pandemic - but I'm sure Anna and other Canadians will back me up when I say those services are still available.
With teleconferencing you may not even have to leave your home.

There are doctors and therapists who can help.
D

Surrendered19

WL, you might be the person who is triggering reactions in others. You've been arrested a dozen times in recent memory? You were evicted from your former apt. because you were causing disturbances? You are presently planning on being evicted because others will likely provoke you? I'm going to sound harsh here, but I am going to suggest that one of the main destabilizing factors in your neighborhood, at least one of the factors that show others living nearby that anything goes, is you.

Is there any way that you can check yourself in to a medical setting for a week or two and tell them what your history of trauma is, and tell them what it is doing to you? I sense that you are on the road to getting hurt or killed, or hurting or killing someone else when you are in a trauma induced rage.

Wastinglife

I am completely fine when sober. It's when I get blackout level drunk that the serious consequences happen, particularly if I drink liquor as opposed to beer. Oddly, all the arrests, injuries, fights, ER trips happened after age 30. It's called Alcoholism and age 30 is when it afflicted me....

least

I sure hope you'll stop drinking before something really awful happens.

BeckoningCat

Well if you don't drink again it won't end badly. You don't have to get evicted again. I'm glad you're sober and the medication is helping you.

Lines

Hey WL. How are you?
You know the part you wrote about falling in the lake, and having to bottle up your emotions. Same as when you were a kid and the things you saw? Or maybe those things affected you later as they were processed. I relate to bottling up the emotions and carrying on. But it builds up in odd ways. This stuff wasn't your fault. I agree with Dee that it's not too late. Maybe different situations but honestly a lot of people are forced to start over in 40s, 50s, 60s. I believe there is help for your ptsd if you reach out.

Misssy2

You are lucky you didn't get killed in your rage.Because meth addicts can be pretty unpredictable also.

Misssy2

247aaonline.comis not shutdown...always open and saved my life many times in the last month.

MythOfSisyphus

I honestly don't why it affects us all differently. No lie, I could tell within the first year that I started drinking that I didn't drink like normal people. The consequences started to pile up by my second year of college- and I didn't even drink til after I graduated high school! The first time something bad enough happened to scare me into trying to drink I think I made it a couple months, then I was back drinking even worse that before.
Many times I failed and I genuinely figured I'd just die drunk, and it didn't even seem like a big deal. I'd just kind of made peace with it. And that was my life...right up until it wasn't. There was no real reason for me to have hope and I didn't. But it didn't matter, I eventually quit anyway. That was seven and a half years ago and I'm still sober.
I know you don't feel like there's hope for you, and I get that because I felt the same way. Ultimately though you don't even need hope. You just need to be curious enough to see what happens tomorrow. Maybe that's a good start for now, Wastinglife.