BeABetterMan

I think the last day I posted here was my last sober day. I’m now coming off of a phenomenal bender, one where days all blend together, not know what I did, who I talked to, etc. of course I missed I think at least a week of work. I put down the bottle I think three days ago and got though the early days with some mild antidepressants but when it got to be I knew I was feeling terrible because of them, I’ve tried to go cold turkey but the anxiety and insomnia are crippling. I can’t afford the hospital, so here I sit. I’m not buying hard stuff, or getting drunk per se, but I have prayed and meditated walked, called people, tried to read (totally unsuccessfully) and every other tool in my box. Finally I went to the old stand by. So here I sit, watching the first few steps from the 12 and 12 on YouTube, drink in hand. Heart racing, skin burning, morale at an all time low, which is really saying something.
I have really mixed feelings about it which is why I’m posting here. But I’ve been through this before and my sponsor whom I loved didn’t really see a problem with it. What I mean is he would say do what you need to do to stay safe. I don’t feel safe anymore trying to cold turkey it. Was having dart met thoughts than usual and just feeling worse mentally. I’m monitoring my blood pressure, temp and oxygen saturation. My blood pressure is up but not bad, oxygen is good, and I can’t lose this job so a trip to rehab isn’t in the cards at this point, though it is definitely becoming a prevalent thought in my mind. But I sleep terribly in rehab, and always feel crippling anxiety and suicidal thoughts. I’ve literally hopped the fence and took off before.
Anyway, just checking in. I think it’s good to post at these very low points for others to know they’re not alone and maybe for myself one day to look back and see how dark it was. And trust me, in my head right now it is pretty hopeless. That being said, I talked to an ex that I’m still in love with and she is four months sober and looks phenomenal. I had just called the cops on her for a welfare check on Christmas and she was in BAD SHAPE. So I keep telling myself, four months. In a short four months I could be much much better than I am now. That keeps me going to the next second.
I’m not spell checking or re reading this, just posting it.Â

Tetrax

Well it was written pretty well! Hope you find your way soon dude.

Surrendered19

All of that sounds awful BABM. Do you think you can stop on your own? It sounds like you are in very deep, with some hopeless/suicidal thoughts.

It's hard to tell what is going on with you. You report putting down the bottle 3 days ago yet here you are "drink in hand." You say you cannot lose your job but it sounds like you might have gone awol from work the last week+?

My advice is to get back into rehab and take it seriously. Your life might be at stake. Not sleeping well at rehab is a poor excuse, a child's excuse, to leave and they can help you with anxiety. Rehab isn't supposed to be comfortable like a spa.
I hope you can stop BABM and get yourself some professional help.

RecklessDrunk

Yes, you can be somewhere better in 4 months.. While it looks like a rough journey I think the alternative looks a lot tougher. How do you think you feel in 3 weeks A) sober ? B) still using ?
Keeping my job was a huge concern, how can they not find out about my legal trouble? Even though I would binge drink and it would often turn into crack, heroin, drunk driving, general stupidity, I was dedicated to my career. I always answered the bell professionally. I felt my dedication to work got me through that first year. Then because of totally unrelated issues I got fired or technically laid off if you want to sugar coat it. With a year of sobriety I was able to handle it and land a better paying job.

Dee74

Sorry to read you;'re in a bad way BABM..
Surrenders suggestion is a good one. Seeking professional medical help is a good idea too - cost be damned - can't spend it if you're dead.
If the hospital and rehab is out of the question, for whatever reason, why not drop in on an online AA meeting?

You're already reading the 12x12.
D

thomas11

Sounds like your in deep my friend. It also sounds like its not your first rodeo. You can get out of this mess, but you have to take action an do it. I'm not in too much of a position to preach as I just did this myself. Do what you have to do and live to fight another day.

Coldfusion

Here's a link to an AA meeting that starts in 45 minutes. You should be able to log on in 15 minutes and introduce yourself if you want.
https://zoom.us/j/641284772?status=success

Anna

I think you'll see and feel positive results long before 4 months. I hope you will go to an ER if you are concerned about your withdrawals. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Lines

There's a link in this recent post to online 24/7 AA meetings. A lot of people here have found it helpful.

24/7 AA Meetings (This 24/7 AA link saved my life yesterday)

Reid82

Sounds like you're in my position this time last year now. Things were bad, real bad. I hope things can improve for you, they did for me. But I had to put in a lot of work to turn things around. Really, I was left with no other choice but to get stuck in recovery considering how bad things were.

Dee74

How are things BABM?
D

BeABetterMan

I made it through the worst and am now off the booze and no other aids. I have alienated some of the A.A. folks during this binge so I will be looking for new meetings and definitely checking into online meetings.
Thanks everyone for your support.

TiredCarpenter

BetterMan.Glad you are working through it.

A good AA member will not care if you are not getting along with him/her. You still have a seat at the table.

We are sufferers clinging to a life raft.

Keep up the good fight.

sugarbear1

Please talk with those you feel you've alienated because they may not feel or think the same as you. Clear the air among you. I am sure they understand. Keep moving forward!!

Surrendered19

The AA'ers I know, all of them, wouldn't feel alienated by a member acting like a jackass while drunk. They've all done it, as have all of us non-AA'ers. I was the biggest jackass in our solar system when I drank. Give them a shot. I'll bet they are just fine with you and understand.

nez

There is a possibility that any alienation occurs only in your mind. Even if alienation does exist in the minds of others, that can be mended through addressing and work on the mending process.

Also there is a difference between distancing and alienating. An example of distancing is this from the big book page 96 "Do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. We find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you. If you leave such a person alone, he may soon become convinced that he cannot recover by himself. To spend too much time on any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and be happy."

My first 3 years in AA, I relapsed an insane amount, probably somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 -100 times. Every time that I walked back through the doors for another day 1, I was met by compassion and people that told me they would love me until I learned to love myself. I don't believe there was ever a single person in the rooms that wanted anything other than for me to begin and to continue to heal., although they knew they couldn't do it for me. It had to come from me.

BeABetterMan

I HATE THIS! I hate hate hate early sobriety. The anxiety, the fatigue (but inability to sleep). It is just so awful.

By the way, I went to an online meeting with my home group. They were all mean and called me stupid....KIDDING, they were so supportive and it was a good meeting. I ALWAYS feel alone, but they really made me feel good.

I don't know how to get rid of this anxiety. Usually I would exercise outside by myself or with the dog but it has gotten so damn hot out, I'm kind of at a loss. I keep staring at the big book and 12 and 12 on my desk.... looking at them makes me anxious, reading them makes me anxious.

Someone, please remind me of this misery before I pick up again. Crap.

lessgravity

The further you get from the poison, the easier it gets, the better life gets and the stronger you get. I know the pain you are in, like most of us here, I've been there many many times. If you do the work, you will reap the rewards and sobriety truly gives so much. I know you know this. But it's not a cliche, it's the truest thing I know.

AnvilheadII

picking up is how you GOT here. picking up again just takes your right BACK here.
you never ever have to go thru this early awful phase again. however if you keep drinking, how you feel TODAY will seem like a walk in the park compared to you will feel next time, or the time after.
our bodies are not designed to go thru this wretched detox over and over. take a cool shower. eat small meals, snacks. stay off the caffeine. take naps. there is no such thing as too many naps.

nez

I know the best qualified guy for the job...YOU. You are perfect for it because you are right there at ground zero and can respond the quickest. Of course it never hurts to have additional and/or backup help in place in case you don't answer the call or can't make it in time. :~)

I am glad you are back. It sucks right now for a reason, but the sucky will pass. Thanks for sharing!