crown86

I am feeling really solid with my decision to quit drinking.
Been a tough 30 days with mood swings and anxiety. But strangely enough after I
racked a few days it wasn't the end of the world either. I simply did not cave
and drink and was uncomfortable for bit but it went away. Every time I thought screw it drink, I thought
of what will happen, and that is nothing good. Black out , hung over, maybe a
dwi, fight with the woman etc. Bottom line right back to the hell I so desperately
wanted to escape.



I guess what it came down to for me was how desperate am I.
I guess the saying sick and tired really hit home. Anxiety is back to normal
levels and I am sleeping way better. I still feel like I am in a fog and that is
ok...fog way better than the day after a 3-4 day binge. I kind of look at like
I took 25 years of hard drinking to get here it's not going to perfect
overnight. But life is much better and I can see it getting even way better
than it is now.



I really wish I could get that damn AV out of my head. I get
pissed with myself when it speaks and do my best to shut it down. I have
convinced myself or trying to that booze is pure poison to me and there are no
more good times to be had - just pure hell. I went to the gun range the other
day and we go thru this small town with 1 traffic light but 4 bars. I love a
dive bar in a small town. Weather was beautiful and man did I think if they
were open how nice it would be to stop. As we passed thru town I said to myself
yeah it be nice, you would have hit all 4 bars, maybe you would have gotten in a
fight, you had 45 min drive time and you would be drunk with 8-9 guns in the
car, stop got more and fought with my girl. Yeah beautiful fun time...NOT.
Within 5 minutes out of town the urge was gone. I just have to keep reminding
myself right now how bad it was. Zero glorification of my drinking days.



My 2 sober buddies keep telling I will get to a point I no
longer think about booze. I know them well and have hung out with them when I
was drinking. I know they are not BS and are happy with not drinking. I can't
wait to get to that point. I count days like most I guess but the days really
don't mean much to me. The changes inside and outside - great sleep and normal
anxiety - are mean the most. It will be nice to not hear that devil in my head
for days at a clip.



I do a lot of fly fishing and have been a few times on day
trips since quitting and it been no big deal. I am taking off Sunday for a week
trip so it will be new not drinking all day on the boat and nothing in camp. I
am going with a friend who doesn't drink so that will make it easier. Weird
it's kind of a new experience even though it is something I have done my whole
life.

Dee74

Congrats crown!

C0ntr0ls

Congrats on 30!That SOB AV does pop in the old noodle from time to time but I refuses to debate with it.

adenough1

Keep going because it only gets better. Your friends are right you will get to a time when you no longer even think about it.

You are doing the best thing by playing the tape through to the bad consequences!

least

I would suggest that you practice gratitude every day, if you're not already. I was given that advice when I was early in recovery and just wasn't 'feeling it'. It made a lot of difference to me and I find I am happier when I'm grateful.
Congrats on the first of many sober months!

tomls

Great job! The first 30 is the toughest! Keep going, it keeps getting easier and better. Beware of good days and bad days.

Reid82

Congrats on 30 days, hope the road will be easier from now on

StuckInMyHead

Congrats on 30 days! Huge accomplishment. Be proud and grateful, you deserve it.

CRRHCC

When the battle is to drink or not drink, in the final analysis, the Bigger-Better-Offer is always the reward of sobriety. There is actually a book on this premise that is very good. Called "The Freedom Model for
Addiction."

crown86

Yeah I am kind of doing that. I woke up the other morning looked at my girlfriend of 15 years sleeping, the small dog in bed with us my german Shepherd laying on floor by me and thought man life is pretty good. I am starting to apprciate some really simple and small things.

The weird thing I LOVE to fish and am heading out camping and fishing tomorrow. I feel kind of lackluster about going. Booze is not going to be included or involved. I am going with a friend who doesn't drink. The reality it makes me sick to think how much importance I placed on a liquid. Like the thought of how the hell are going to stay out in the boondocks for for 5 or 6 days with no booze, you will get bored.

I know thats the AV at work. Other things I have done in the last 30 days that booze used to always be a part of were just fine or even better. I drank hard for 25 years so I am not expecting a miracle in 30 days of the booze mental dragon being slayed for good. It's simply a MAJOR lifestyle change I need to get used to and I am sure I will with time not drinking. I guess everything is kind of new again and in one way that is pretty cool.

It's funny how it works. It just kept getting worse and worse. I am so GREATFUL to not have lost a thing or been locked up. I was SO CLOSE on all fronts - the girl, the law, dwi. Thank God I woke the F**K up. When I had my last drunk the next day I was in crazy pain. Anxiety etc. It felt like .45 to the head would be less painful and quicker than booze because they both lead to the same place for me. I felt like the old Van Halen tune " I been to the edge and then I stood and looked down". I never want to feel that crap again and it's really simple - Don't drink.

Positive note it seems the guilt and shame are starting to lift big time. I can't change the past so F**K it but I do not need to repeat it. I keep making small changes everyday wether I want to do them or not but I know on paper they will get me to where I want to be - IE exercise, therapy, chores etc.

Thank you for all the good vibes.

Tryharder2

Congratulations on 30 days! 30 days seems so far away being on Day 1 myself but thanks for reminding me it is possible.

crown86

If I can do this anyone can. Day 1 SUCKED and so did the 13 days following it. Depression anxiety..man. I have no clue it clicked in me to quit, still don't but I am glad it did. I was out of town prior to quitting taking care of a sick uncle in hospice who eventually passed. I was railing 15 beers a day and 5-6 crowns at night and my crown is probably a triple or quadruple.

I got off plane going home greeted by cops for complaining about being cut off on plane - went nowhere thank god. My girl picked me and I was abusive as hell verbally, made her stop at the liquor store picked up a handles and a couple cases of beer and then drank myself silly for a few more days. Back for 2 more handles and beer. My girl went to stay with a friend till I was ready to sober up.

No clue what clicked. The above is a thousand other incidences - which some have been way worse. Somewhere in my bender I said I have got to quit this **** or it will kill me. I was thinking a gun is less painful and quicker for the same damn result. I tried to go cold turkey and soaked the sheets and had the shakes bad.

Rehab was not an option so I traded my buddy 2 handles of good whiskey for 2 cases of beer. I drank 15 one day then 14, 13 etc til none. Im not advocating or recomending this but is what I did. I know how dangerous alcohol withdrawl can be and after 25years of hitting very hard it was the first time I thought man you should be in the hospital. Never had it so bad.

Yep the begining truly sucked. The first few days I kept thinking man just get hammered and take all this depression and anxiety away - at least for a few hours. But the problem I knew is or at least thought to be true was booze was causing most of it. Hence the cycle of hell will continue.

I really wanted to stop so I said to myself WTF 30 days is not that long. Even if the hell feelings of quitting last longer so what, it is better than the known factor of continuing to drink. I said to myself no matter what the day brings suck it up dude and DON'T drink. I saw people on here with 10 days and thought " I want that" and it seemed impossible. I am bound and deterimined to not drink one day at a time and just let the days go by and adjust to a new lifestyle.

I always used to joke around and tell my drinking buddies - you know being an alcoholic is not easy. All people see is the laughing joking etc. We gotta deal falls, black-outs, saying stupid stuff, hangovers, hair of the dog, cops, bad relationships etc. Looking back it's really not a joke and life so far on day 31 is SO MUCH EASIER.