I just need someone to listen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: utah
Posts: 3
I just need someone to listen
Hi. I am 18 years old and 7 months pregnant. I just kinda needed to write to someone who cares. I kinda dont really know what to do right now. I have been clean for 2 months and 6 months before that. I have been into 2 lockdown rehabs. I am an addict/alcoholic. You see the problem is, my fiancee is a drug addict too. They do drugs and drink around me and Im okay with not doing it. I just dont know what I will do after I have my baby. I fell and cracked my pelvic bone and so the doctors gave me lortab. I have been using them sparingly and find myself trying to convince myself i am in more pain than i actually am. I found a few missing and confronted my fiancee as well as my roomates and no luck. So i have a refill and my fiancee took 2 tonight when i told him not to. he made me feel guilty becasue " I didnt need them" and called me a bitch and so on. I really just dont know what to do. I cant move out because i have no where to go and besides that....I love him. And he keeps promising he'll change but we all know how that goes. I just need a support, sdomeone i can talk to so if any of you want to email me, i would love to hear from you. thanks so much! love lyndsay scarred_nirvana******.com
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: toronto, ontario, canada
Posts: 224
This guy is abusing you. Even the use around you while you are trying to stay clean is abuse. You feel guilty because he is abusing your medication and you asked him not too??? Then he called you names. Darling, this fellow doesn't love you. He is incapable of love as he is lost in his own addiction. I would prefer a shelter than to be around drugs and an abusive person. Your own recovery is far too important and that little life you are carrying is counting on you to care about yourself so you can be there to love it and recieve its love back someday. I will say a prayer for you. You deserve better.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
Welcome Lyndsay... this is a wonderful place to be. Junem is right about him abusing you, mentally. He is calling you names, and taking the medication that is prescribed for your pain. I know a shelter probably sounds real scary, but it is a good suggestion. The people there could help you get on your feet and do the right thing for your child. You are young, and can bounce back from this. I wish I would have known more when I was your age. Instead, I lived a life of hell, and brought my children through it with me. Please do the right thing. It will be hard at first, but all change is hard. I've also been told that the right decision is usually the uncomfortable decision. I too will be praying for you.
Sherry
Sherry
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Hi Lyndsay.... 
I am so glad that you found this site... People here really do care about each other and we care about you...
You are young to be dealing with an addiction of your own, let alone with another addict. On top of that you are going to give birth to a little bundle of joy in @ 2 months.
Your addicted fiance sounds like he is in the throes of his addiction and unfortunately is no use to you or your unborn child right now.
Sweetie all you can do is let him go and pray that someday he decides for himself to get clean.
You need to worry about you and that baby (period).
I agree with junem & Sherry, a women's shelter would be a good place to start.
They have resources available to you and I think you would be surprised what you can do on your own.
I have friends and family in Utah... my step dad is a doctor.
Please send me a personal message with your location and a ph#, I would be more than willing to call you and we could put our heads together and come up with a plan to help you and your wee one get in to a healthier place.
You are not alone, okay?
My name is Kellie and I am an alcoholic, grateful for another sober day.
I am so glad that you found this site... People here really do care about each other and we care about you...
You are young to be dealing with an addiction of your own, let alone with another addict. On top of that you are going to give birth to a little bundle of joy in @ 2 months.
Your addicted fiance sounds like he is in the throes of his addiction and unfortunately is no use to you or your unborn child right now.
Sweetie all you can do is let him go and pray that someday he decides for himself to get clean.
You need to worry about you and that baby (period).
I agree with junem & Sherry, a women's shelter would be a good place to start.
They have resources available to you and I think you would be surprised what you can do on your own.
I have friends and family in Utah... my step dad is a doctor.
Please send me a personal message with your location and a ph#, I would be more than willing to call you and we could put our heads together and come up with a plan to help you and your wee one get in to a healthier place.
You are not alone, okay?
My name is Kellie and I am an alcoholic, grateful for another sober day.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Dubh Linn - Ireland
Posts: 455
Ah you poor Sweetheart,
I stayed with mine for 20years.....He would whisper sweeter things into my ear every night......things like "You Big Fat Ugly F***ing B***h"! And of course there was the tenderness of his touch....though it did require hospitalisation.....
Get out girl as fast as you can. Go to an NA meet and there will be people there who can tell you what to do and where to go for help. You deserve so much happiness in your life and so does that bundle of goodness and love that you are carrying. That is where the real focus of your love should be.
I wish I could tell you otherwise but my ex was on Benzo s and drink when I met him though not too much a problem as he could be sooo very charming and debonaire! I was only 18 so very ignorant in such matters and I enjoyed the attention he gave to me. Behind closed doors though was another matter indeed. But it is not just me in the equation and it will not just be you either as there are offspring to consider and you owe it to the joyous bundle to be surrounded by love and caring.
I do wish you well and will email you too! You are not alone and there is so so much support here in SR. If I had had that at your age I may not have turned into the 41 year old chronic alcoholic who also only has 4 days sober today. The intervening years I assure you were really bad for both myself and my 5 children.
Take care and stay strong and sober for you and your child.....Luvs Ama
I stayed with mine for 20years.....He would whisper sweeter things into my ear every night......things like "You Big Fat Ugly F***ing B***h"! And of course there was the tenderness of his touch....though it did require hospitalisation.....
Get out girl as fast as you can. Go to an NA meet and there will be people there who can tell you what to do and where to go for help. You deserve so much happiness in your life and so does that bundle of goodness and love that you are carrying. That is where the real focus of your love should be.
I wish I could tell you otherwise but my ex was on Benzo s and drink when I met him though not too much a problem as he could be sooo very charming and debonaire! I was only 18 so very ignorant in such matters and I enjoyed the attention he gave to me. Behind closed doors though was another matter indeed. But it is not just me in the equation and it will not just be you either as there are offspring to consider and you owe it to the joyous bundle to be surrounded by love and caring.
I do wish you well and will email you too! You are not alone and there is so so much support here in SR. If I had had that at your age I may not have turned into the 41 year old chronic alcoholic who also only has 4 days sober today. The intervening years I assure you were really bad for both myself and my 5 children.
Take care and stay strong and sober for you and your child.....Luvs Ama
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Hi Scarred, I'm Anna, alcoholic. The caring ladies that have responded are right Scarred. Most cities have shelters for women leaving abusive relationships and they would be able to help you get started in your life with your new baby. There is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship. You are not alone and we do care. It would be great to be able to save you and your baby from years of pain. You can PM me anytime if you want to talk, I'm on and off the computer throughout the day.
Love, Anna
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Lost in Headspace
Posts: 27
Hey there Lyndsay!
Reading over your post just then, especially the part where you said that you can’t leave your fiancée because you love him, a quote came to mind: “People love for the need to be loved, not because they find someone deserving”. This guy is obviously not deserving of your love and isn’t giving any back. If you’re simply staying there because you crave those feelings for yourself then it’s time to get out. Learn to love yourself. I know that might sound stupid but it’s soooo important. Learn to love yourself so that you don’t have to rely on love from someone else who is abusive and destructive. Work on your self-esteem. If this guy can make you feel guilty by abusing you after taking YOUR pain medication, then a good dose of self-worth is definitely needed! There’s a great site that goes through a bit of a program for building self-esteem. Someone else mentioned it on a thread here and I think it’d really help you. www.coping.org/seas/model.htm - please have a look! You have a good heart – you’ve committed to sobriety for the health of your baby and that says a lot about you. But the thing is, you may tolerate his drug use, but it’s not fair to bring a child into that environment. I hope this isn’t out of line, but if you subject a child to an abusive/addict father then not only will they grow to hate him, but chances are they’ll grow to resent you for putting them in that situation and they’ll learn damaging co-dependency habits from you. You both deserve better than that! The fact that you’ve come here means you know most of this and you’re on the right track to getting your life in order and establishing a positive environment for your child. Keep at it!
Wishing you the best of luck for the future, take care and always remember that you ARE better than this and you DO DESERVE better than this. My thoughts are with you
Hugs
Stacey
Reading over your post just then, especially the part where you said that you can’t leave your fiancée because you love him, a quote came to mind: “People love for the need to be loved, not because they find someone deserving”. This guy is obviously not deserving of your love and isn’t giving any back. If you’re simply staying there because you crave those feelings for yourself then it’s time to get out. Learn to love yourself. I know that might sound stupid but it’s soooo important. Learn to love yourself so that you don’t have to rely on love from someone else who is abusive and destructive. Work on your self-esteem. If this guy can make you feel guilty by abusing you after taking YOUR pain medication, then a good dose of self-worth is definitely needed! There’s a great site that goes through a bit of a program for building self-esteem. Someone else mentioned it on a thread here and I think it’d really help you. www.coping.org/seas/model.htm - please have a look! You have a good heart – you’ve committed to sobriety for the health of your baby and that says a lot about you. But the thing is, you may tolerate his drug use, but it’s not fair to bring a child into that environment. I hope this isn’t out of line, but if you subject a child to an abusive/addict father then not only will they grow to hate him, but chances are they’ll grow to resent you for putting them in that situation and they’ll learn damaging co-dependency habits from you. You both deserve better than that! The fact that you’ve come here means you know most of this and you’re on the right track to getting your life in order and establishing a positive environment for your child. Keep at it!
Wishing you the best of luck for the future, take care and always remember that you ARE better than this and you DO DESERVE better than this. My thoughts are with you
Hugs
Stacey
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: spring hill FL
Posts: 5
Scarred, I agree with the others 100 percent! A shelter would be the best thing for you and your baby! When I got together with my boyfriend 15 years ago, i was in the same boat. I am still with him unfortunately, and matters have only gotten worse over the years. Worse addictions (my boyfriend starting with pot as well) and worse physical and emotional and mental abuse! Even kicked me in the back and pulled me out of a car. Started premature labor with my second son, at about six months pregnant. Luckily they stopped it. please think of that wonderful baby and the life you can give him. a drug free one, one I wish I had chosen to give my three. I have so much I feel I have to make up to them! I will keep you in my prayers!
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