Splash29

Feel terrible with a pounding headache and neasua. Don't want to do this to myself anymore. Hubby doesn't understand why I can't just have 2 drinks. He says just pace yourself. But it starts with two while cooking dinner, then it's like needing a train to get myself to not drink 3 then 4 then whole bottle till I pass out. I'm so embarrassed that I can't control this. Maybe one or two nights I can control it, but soon enough I lose. I hate waking up hung over, unsure what I did or said the night before. I had 3 years sober once and I can't believe I strung that many sober days together. It's like another lifetime. It's too much work to keep drinking. To keep up with this, 24/7 either being drunk or hungover. It's exhausting.

Dee74

I;m sorry you drank Splash.
Yeah it is hard when others don't understand but really they don't have to understand. We do.

If we want change then we have to change.

We're always here to help you make the right choice- use us

D

Reid82

Remember this can be the last day 1 you ever have to go through. Best of luck.

RecklessDrunk

Much of your post reminded me of page 20 in the big book "how many times have people said to us'ÂÂÂ Anywho, I see my alcoholism as an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind. Critics may say you don't have a real allergy. This is also a great excuse for people not go to meetings, they can just say AA people are full of crap. They think they have an allergy. Me, I dont care if it's actually an allergy or not. I treat it like it's an allergy regardless. When I take a drink I can not control how much I will drink or what I will do. I'd probably still drink if the only consequence was some hives or rash.ÂÂ I think it was here somebody said I break out in handcuffs! Long story short that's how I got here, after breaking out in handcuffs.
ÂÂÂ I have to ask if this happens every time you drink why don't you just not drink? I mean why do you feel like you even have to in the first place? If somebody has a peanut allergy they simply dont eat peanuts. The answer to this may determine if you are alcoholic.
ÂÂÂ I have an obsession to drink. From the time I was a little boy the idea of drinking was something wonderful was stamped in my brain. I was an alcoholic since I was 14. I loved drinking so much that I was able to control it just enough to go to college and hold down jobs, even diet and exercise. I'd tell myself so I had a bad night, I'll just take it easy next time. Or i got off my diet by binge drinking so I'll get back on track. I never dared to try and stop for good drinking until my early 40s. For nearly 3 decades I did not think a life without alcohol was possible.ÂÂÂÂÂ
The good news is one day at time this obsession can be grinded down to something manageable. Even something we can laugh about sometimes. Oh the laughs I had getting sober. It's really up to you, you never HAVE TO feel this way again.
Of those things I cannot change, capital A's are randomly appearing in my post. Referring to alcoholics anonymous was an intentional use of capital A but that's about it.

Anna

I completely exhausted myself trying to moderate my drinking. It was really so much easier to just stop and move on with recovery.
I hope you make the decision to stop drinking.

nez

It truly is! I remember well. My drinking started out easy and became harder and harder as time went by. My sobriety started out hard and is becoming easier and easier as time goes by. Both drinking and sobriety are progressive. Only I can decide which one I choose. I have tried both and for me it is no contest which one is the preferred. I like progressively easier! :~)

D122y

If you have been around long enough you know what I think is going on with me and maybe you too.

There is no mystery. Why do I relapse after 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 years, 20 years. It is permanent and irreversible physical brain damage.

I will be compelled to drink for the rest of my life. I can defeat this my finding other ways to get my dopamine, endorphin, adrenaline fix. Then it getting used to what normal feels like.

Education, time, and suffering. SR saved my life.

Thanks.

D122y

sorry bout the typos....paaatttiiiieeennncccceeee.....

tornrealization

Hi Splash,
It’s time to arm yourself with science or just repeatedly tell him that one drink just turns into many. It’s like one lil match that starts a wildfire. I used to hear the same from my husband and I’m over a year sober now and I’d just say that’s nothow my brain works anymore. Â And even if I had the one or two calling it quits for a “controlled” night, I ended up agitated, angry, moody cause I wanted more. Â He’s stopped overtime bringing up the why can’t u just have two....comments. I’ve firmly said over n over it no longer works that way. Â It distracts from what ever activity or company you may be with. Â
You’ve had three years sober so you know it can be rewarding. As people say all the time you never wake up wishing you had drank. Â
You can do this again!Â

Plure

Don’t beat yourself up over this too much. It’s a hard thing this alcoholism and we have to treat ourselves with love and kindness.

TiredCarpenter

You are right Splash. It is exhausting!Remember it is the FIRST drink that causes you the pain. Not the third or fifth or seventh.I struggled greatly with this concept, always trying, even by the most strenuous of efforts, to convince myself that I could control my alcohol consumption.Never could.Say NO to that first drink. Then celebrate. Celebrate the fact that you care about you.
So good that you reached out.
Keep in touch.

Hevyn

Splash - you sound ready now. It's no fun anymore & never can be. Misery & regret are all it leaves us with. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to admit that.
You can get free.

theVman31

Make it the best day 1 ever

Splash29

Thank you to this amazing community. I'd Hate to word vomit to you perfectly polite strangers, but bottom line my hubby needs a kidney transplant. He's Stage 5 failure on dialysis. Transplants are currently on hold. This has put my drinking over the edge. We found out last month, one week before the the country went on lock down. I'm doing my best, but I'm a mess. Crying right now. You're all soo sweet and supportive.

nez

Spalsh29 my heart goes out to you during this difficult time.

My wife is dealing with a life changing medical condition. Questions that I ask myself that help me to stay on path are:
Will my drinking change her medical condition?
Will my being sober change her medical condition?
Will my drinking change my opinion of me and my self image?
Will my sobriety change my opinion of me and my self image?
Will my drinking enable me to be more supportive of wife?
Will my sobriety enable me to be more supportive of my wife?

These questions first came to me when I was newly sober and was my mother's caregiver during the last months of her life. They helped me to cut through any denial that was lurking around in my cranium and to get out of self.

Just remember there is safety in numbers and that we are here for you. We, is a lot powerful than me.

Hodd

Maybe tell him that? I’m guessing he drinks too albeit in moderation. If he knew how you felt, maybe he’d join you in quitting.
My wife has never drunk alcohol so I’ll admit this made it easier to quit. Living with a drinker, even a moderate one, makes it harder.
Respect on the 3 years sober. You know what it takes to do it again, i.e. not taking that first drink.

AAPJ

Nez - Well said - Thanks!

Surrendered19

You hit the nail on the head really Splash. Life is simply easier sober. Managing drinking and its effects was exhausting. 5 months sober one of the biggest changes in my life is how much quiet and calm there is. You know this of course. Video a message to the future you this morning and describe how you feel. Then play it when you need it.

Dee74

I'm sorry to hear about your husband, but to be honest he shouldn't be drinking either - I'd want nothing to stand in my way of treatment when it becomes available again.
Maybe you can include that in the discussion too?D

Splash29

Thanks for the questions nez. Alcohol for sure isn't helping the situation.

My husband doesn't drink actually. Just one of the normies who don't even crave it. So, you'd think it'd be easy for me to just stay sober, but idk what's wrong with me. I'm don't putting myself through this twisted cycle. Black out, wake up sick, then feel embarrassed and start all over again. Insanity.