SaintMaryLost

Hi, I feel bad asking for support, but I still hope you will give your opinions.

Quick: My husband of 15 years has always been a combative, narcissistic jerk (like most narcissists, charmed me with lies and salesmanship). Three years ago he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s and dementia. Life is increasingly hard caring for him, he is more and more abusive, very needy and clingy while also flaring up in anger and violence when he doesn’t get 100% attention all the time, is like a reckless angry toddler.

OK. so I have been using alcohol, mainly wine, to deal with this. Probably 12 years ago, I would have 2 or 3 glasses of wine to try to relax or chill after he went to bed. Progressed slowly to a bottle of wine a day, then 2, now more every day, day drinking, round the clock. Since corona virus, I drink anything and everything in shocking amounts, whatever I can. Even the most hardcore alkies might be amazed at what I drink daily now.

Long story short, he is getting worse and worse, because of course these are progressive diseases. He is demanding all the time, awful. However, I see that I am abusing myself severely. it’s no excuse to say this is how I cope, because the threat and risk of drinking so much is now greater than his emotional and sometimes physical abuse.

I can’t leave because my career is already ruined by years of this ( my fault and his), plus my health insurance is through his employer, he has always worked at home but now behind the scenes I do his job, for real, I am like Cyrano de Bergerac doing his job because of his dementia.

I have stopped drinking for a month or two here and there over the years.

Right now, I don’t feel very motivated to stop drinking, because sometimes I just don’t give a **** about my life. Once in a while, I have a glimmer of, like, couldn’t it be better?

What are your thoughts? I don’t need cheerleading or AA (have been and hated it) but human to human, what do you think? Thank you so much for reading.

Steely

I know what you mean about not giving a toss about life, but still I hold to the view that life will become worthwhile the more we/I take care of OURSELVES/MYSELF. It's time.

Have you thought about a Care facility for him? My brother has schizophrenia and it became impossible to care him at home. He was never abusive. You really don't have to be treated this way. Why do you?
Don't get me wrong, I've been faced with the same dilemma.
Big hugs.

SaintMaryLost

Why do I. Honestly, mainly for the health insurance. And his payroll, which I am doing most of the work for, but here in America, white men get these things that I can never get now at my age and as a female.

Anna

I believe that abuse, emotional or physical, is NOT okay, ever.

Can you afford to get help to come to the house for him on a regular basis or do you have any relations who would step in once a week or so? You need regular breaks if you are going to continue to be a caretaker.

Before you are certain you can't leave because of financial reasons, talk to a lawyer. Most lawyers will offer a free consult which would give you an idea of what you would be entitled to if you were to leave.

Finally, please make use of Resources that are readily available to you:Domestic Abuse Defined

http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

National Domestic Abuse Hotline (US):

http://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.womenshealth.gov/relatio...afety/get-help

Canada:

http://endingviolencecanada.org/getting-help/

https://www.sheltersafe.ca/find-help/#call

UK:

https://www.womensaid.org.uk

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Europe:

http://www.cosc.ie/en/COSC/Pages/WP08000009

https://ec.europa.eu/justice/saynostopvaw/helpline.html

Australia:

https://au.reachout.com/articles/dom...olence-support

call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

Chile, Colombia, Peru, Ecuador, Venezuela:



http://www.gnws.org/index.php/find-help/find-shelters

Awake61

You are in a hard, hard spot. My husband has become more verbally abusive as the days go by. But, I realize now, he always acted jerky. I just drank so much for so many years, I didn't care. Because of my drinking I lost a very good job and also am in a position to not leave at this point. But I have given up drinking, as it was killing me and my children let me know how much I would be missed. I don't count days, I simply go the one day at a time way and have involved myself with art again and walking with a mixture of simple yoga. You can stop too. Stay hopeful. Thank you for sharing your story.

Lines

I'm sorry for what your going through. My thoughts are that you need a multi-pronged approach to find the best path forward for yourself.
I push myself too hard with my work, and sometimes forget I'm not a machine. Going way past my limits led to unhealthy choices and drug dependence as a way to push myself further. Your drinking pattern sounds similar in nature. For me, thed drug use was a symptom of my emotional break. Took time and help to rebalance my life. The most helpful thing I did was psychotherapy. And if you have health insurance I'd talk to your doctor and ask for a referral.
What I'm reading is that your an unpaid caregiver who lost her own career, and is now working a lot! but not getting credit, appreciation, security. And time goes by. I can see why you sometimes feel hopeless. Caregivers can get burnt out, and get PTSD.
I would suggest finding an attorney who specializes in Elder Care. I think your situation will be well understood. He needs healthcare plan, end of life plan. And you need to see what help might be available to you now, as well as planning for your own future.
I've not been on this site too long, but people are always here if you need to talk. I would also look for some support groups for caregivers elsewhere. Not too familiar but maybe AARP, health boards, and probably you will find others who are struggling with similar issues, and can link you to more resources. My thought is there is abuse, but at the same time its complicated by the medical issues. Lots of family members deal with Alzheimers patients and such. Not easy stuff.

Dee74

Hi and welcome StMaryLost

Like Anna I don't believe anyone should have to stay in an abusive relationship.

I'm a guy, but I was in one too - and I used alcohol, at least partly to tolerate the intolerable,

I got out - and eventually - I stopped drinking.

I've never been happier and I'm in a lasting loving relationship now.

Don't lose hope - change can happen for you too - you can make it happen

D

least

Welcome to the family. I hope our support can help you get sober for good. Drinking is adding fuel to the fire. You are in a difficult position. I hope you can get some relief.

Steely

Thanks for responding SaintMaryLost. Economic independence is vital for women. Can't be done without. Are there no options? Stopping drinking would be a first step in finding your independence, and way out, I believe.

EndGameNYC

You've been building a case against yourself for a long time. You don't need to do it anymore. It isn't helping.

You're in an impossible situation that's made worse by living a secret life. You're going to need to raise the curtain on what's going on at some point. For now, you're not getting any of the help you need. It's time to reach out. You only need to do a little bit at a time.

Depending on where you live, your husband can receive Medicare or Medicaid as well as disability payments. You may both qualify for these and other services. Make a little bit of time to learn what's available where you live. Contact the Dept. of Social Services for your area.

Caring for an ailing adult is unimaginably difficult. It can take away a person's will to live while providing too many opportunities to become a homicidal maniac along the way. When dementia is involved, professional intervention as a means of surviving the ordeal is necessary, if not also inevitable. Support groups can make a difference as well.

None of us are built to take on the type of challenge you describe by ourselves. Please check out a couple of places that offer help and a range of resources for people in a similar situation.

https://www.alzheimers.net/alzheimer...organizations/

https://memory.ucsf.edu/dementia/par...sease-dementia

PalmerSage

You've gotten some great advice here, so all I have to add is that you seem very ready to quit. Getting sober will be tough at first, but will finally give you the chance to regain control over your (very difficult) life. You've been doing the heavy lifting for so long that surrendering to help will offer tremendous relief. Please, post here as much as you can. It will be so incredibly helpful if you allow yourself to lean on others, even if (especially if?) it's to virtual strangers. We are here with you, and we understand. Take good care.

Dee74

how are you lostsaintmary?
D

SaintMaryLost

Thank you all so much! I have been reading and re-reading your replies for strength. It has been a really awful few days, and I am having so much trouble prioritizing my health and safety. I keep reverting to hideous habits of ignoring myself and my needs because that’s all that keeps him from attacking me (verbally and emotionally).

I am just being complicit in abusing myself. Got to find a better way.

So maybe one thing at a time, I have cut down on drinking a little bit not there at all yet. I desperately need sleep. Alcohol has kept me awake and crazy for a long time.

Tomorrow night I have a Virtual support group meeting for caregivers of dementia patients. I have been in that group for a year and a half but it only meets once a month. I haven’t mentioned my alcohol struggles because the group isn’t about that.

Again, thank you and please keep posting here if you can. I’m hanging on but it’s overwhelming.

Xxxooo

Dee74

We're here for support Really looking forward to you making a day one when you don;t drink at all
D

BeckoningCat

Hello Saint Mary Lost, I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.
Maybe a way to keep doing his job "behind the scenes" while giving yourself a break would be to get some in-home help a few times a week? They wouldn't live with you and wouldn't have to know you're doing his work right now.
I am just trying to think of something that might ease your pressure a bit so you can have some energy to give to your own sobriety.
I think others have recommended good resources for you. I wish you all the best.

BeckoningCat

Also - if you need sleep melatonin is a natural supplement that would not be dangerous for you to take in moderate amounts even if you are a drinker, it's not like taking a sedative. Hope this helps. The sleep deprivation might make it even harder for you to say no to a drink, I know that is one of my biggest triggers is sleep deprivation combined with stress.

Anna

Please talk to your doctor before you take melatonin or any supplement. Melatonin can cause negative side effects and there can be problems when mixing it with alcohol.

BeckoningCat

Okay sorry. It's natural and over-the-counter. As far as I know you shouldn't take melatonin with alcohol and drive, but no one should drive while drinking anyway. Or that it can make melatonin less effective if you drink alcohol.

I did not realize there were any serious side effects. If there are, apologies.

EndGameNYC

Serotonin can also be dangerous for people taking an SSRI antidepressant. Too much available serotonin -- a neurotransmitter associated with changes in mood -- can lead to what is referred to as "serotonin syndrome," a condition that carries a range of symptoms.


https://www.webmd.com/depression/gui...treatments#1-1

SaintMaryLost

Hi everyone and thank you for all your responses. I'm still here and just wanted to let you know I'm ok. I cried tonight, really genuinely cried and sobbed for the first time in 20 years since I met my husband. I have so many regrets and so many painful memories of my time with him. I feel I have wasted my life to a large degree and made so many mistakes.

In some weird way, these tears tonight, this realness and this pain, and that choking pain in my throat, it's that I finally get it. It's over... all my dreams of a normal life and love with this man are over. I fought and denied it for so long. I wished and wished for things to be different. He has always been a sugar-coated nightmare, and now he is just full-on dread nightmare. I can grieve the loss of his possibility, the hope of what I wanted, the awful loss of his wounded self, and the loss of myself in trying to chase a really sick man to love me. It's a lot. Through tears, I hope I don't go back to that stupid place of begging for love from an already effed up man, who now has Parkinson's and dementia.

I feel like a heel for even considering abandoning a declining sick person with Parkinsons and dementia... but then I think about how awful our "life" was together, horrid, abusive, full of lies and manipulation, and I hate myself for not leaving day One when I saw the first instance of his awful, abusive, deceitful, manipulative acts. But I didn't... so that's on me and I hate myself forever for what it did to me and my kids.

I don't know what to do, or what the future holds. He can only speak about himself, that's not new, but with the dementia, he understands nothing with me (though he seems sharp with anyone else).

I'm just broken... I feel stuck... I can barely envision a future but the tiny thoughts I have are of a someday without him. I cannot deal with the thought that I would spend the rest of my life with this awful person, probably being his caretaker while he continues to abuse me, but what way out?

and so alcohol, my only friend. Sorry guys. I'm still doing that. Some days less than others. Tonight as usual, I say I will cut down or something tomorrow, but morning comes and I see his unrecognizable masked parkinson's face, hear his demented abusive rambling, and I .... feel hopeless. Frustrated. I wrongly think alcohol might "mellow" me out or take the constant edge off dealing with this -- and by the way, yes, I get it that I should feel some sympathy about his health situation and ABSOLUTELY DO -- but these are tough times and I go to a drink in isolation.

He always was abusive and manipulative, and I get it that I chose to stay in the stupid hope that the light would come on for him and he would love me.

That little dream is over. Will you help me with the very distant foggy not-even dream of me having a different life free from alcohol someday?