Sober but the same
 

My boyfriend has been sober for 8 months however I am still seeing a lot of the same behavior. Lying to my face and calling me insecure for asking any questions. He is very defensive if I ask any questions about anything. I have attended ALANON trying to understand the disease and dry drunk concept. I feel like it comes in cycles every few months. I hold on thinking that the sober guy I fell in love with will come back. He relapsed and drank while we were together and is now sober again however the lying, mood swings and disrespect is still there. I feel like I'm holding on for someone to come back to me that actually never will. He says I doubt him and he is sick of being questioned when the truth is he has earned that doubt with all the lies and secrets I have been presented. At one point he was even stealing my medication for recreational use while I am prescribed it for an incurable disease. UGH! This is not easy and defiantly nothing I have every dealt with before.

Re: Sober but the same
 

What are you questioning him about? If it's his drinking/drugging that's a pointless endeavor. Pretty obvious,most times, when someone is intoxicated. For me; trust is almost impossible to rebuild when it's been repeatedly broken and major resentment is present.

Re: Sober but the same
 

If you believe your boyfriend is drinking/using drugs/being abusive to you, then that is what matters. It's how you feel and what you believe that counts. Do you believe you will get what you want and need from this relationship?

Re: Sober but the same
 

Question: did you start a relationship with him before he obtained a problem with alcohol? And he treated you well, none of the issues your describing now?
Then, how long was he drinking and taking your rx medication during the relationship?
I didnt know what dry drunk was so had to look it up and found it's basically an AA term. I dont know anything about this, but if he was drinking for an extended period of time then there were changes in the brain, chemicals. Should return to normal after a period of time all on it's own as long as he stops abusing substances.
What your describing sounds like 2 people who are both behaving the same way towards each other as you did when he was using. It does take time to rebuild trust. But maybe he feels like your behaving the same and he has changed. Which creates more conflict and less respect and trust between you. Simply my thoughts.
Or he could still be hiding alcohol and/or drug use from you.
If your dating, have you considered taking a break? If together you cant change the dynamics - is this what you want? And how long to wait with no mutually structured plan to get your relationship back on track.

Re: Sober but the same
 

It took me a few years of no drinking before the real me fully surfaced.

Even at nearly 5 years clean, I am still seeing changes.

It has not been like a light switch.

It has been more like a beautiful rain forest growing back for 5 years, so far, from a 40 year chemical attack.

The ground still has poison in it. The ground may never properly grow again.

Some things may be irreversible. My normal may not be your normal.

Thanks.

P.s. yay. The techies solved most of the edit glitch.

Re: Sober but the same
 

Don't discount the idea that maybe this guy is a sociopath, regardless of substance use. Some people are just jerks.
I got my heart broken by a guy who sounds like yours: self-centered, blame-throwing, mean. He didn't have any substance abuse issues and in fact seemed to like it that I did - he could avoid and manipulate me all the better for it. He was a dreamboat when I met him and I was truly deeply in love. It was hurtful, confusing, "crazy-making" for me when he "turned."
If you haven't already, you might want to do some reading about sociopathy. A person needn't be an addict to look like a "dry drunk" (in fact, I hate that term - it's a lame explanation for the phenomenon of being a crappy person).
O

Re: Sober but the same
 

I suggest when you go to Al Anon, you go to heal your self by getting yourself a sponsor and working the steps for you. Let him be for a minute, he might be really recovering as we don't change overnight. Or he's just dry and not drinking.
I wish you well on your healing!