Thorn

Hello all,

Well, I tried again to make it to an AA meeting in my nieghborhood last night but the anxiety got overwhelming. (I have an anxiety disorder, as well as bipolar disorder) I was so disappointed at not making it that I cried.
I have, though, found other meetings nearby that I'm sure I can eventually make it to. I'm going to overcome this fear within myself and make it, or die trying. I know the other option, to die trying to drink like a normal human being, which is just not possible with me.
I'm determined, and I'm trying not to beat myself up about all this too much.

On the good side, I haven't had a drink in seventeen days! I'm doing things to take care of myself for once, although sleep has been a little hard to come by of late.

I'm very grateful for SR, and each and every one of you sharing your thoughts and strength
I just needed to write this out and get it off my chest. Thanks for reading,

Thorn

Phinneas

((((Thorn))))

The first meeting is scary because it is new and different, but it does get easier. The people there will welcome you with open arms. You can talk or not, totally up to you.

How about calling the local AA and seeing if someone can meet you at a meeting? For me it is a lot easier to walk into a new meeting with someone else.

Yup, we have to get out of the car and actually sit in one of those chairs or it doesn't count. Funny how that works, eh?

YOU CAN DO IT!

jojo

ted

HEY THORN ,I HAD AN ANXIETY DISORDER ALSO.
I DIDN'T FEEL I COULD RELATE TO ANYONE UNLESS I WAS STONED.
I WAS SHY,FELT INFERIOR,I JUST KNEW YOU DIDN'T LIKE ME.
WHILE USING I COULD NUMB MY NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT MYSELF.
PROBLEM WAS THAT IT WAS KILLING ME.
I'M SLOWLY(WITH THE HELP OF OTHERS IN THE PROGRAM)
STARTING TO ACCEPT AND LOVE MYSELF FOR WHO I AM.
CONGADULATIONS ON YOUR CLEAN TIME,GET TO THAT MEETING,
YOU WOULN'T REGRET IT!!!
...........ted

Gr8ful1

Hey Thorn,

We've ALL made "countless vain attempts to PROVE we could drink like other people" has anyone been successful???? I think NOT. Once an alcoholic, addict, etc. etc. etc. ...

I would only suggest that you do step into that meeting and sit in a chair. You don't even have to talk. Just listen. You will be AMAZED :bunny1: at the open arms that will receive you.

Take it from an experienced relapser over the past 5 years. They ALWAYS welcome you back. I even had close to 3 years sober, and blew it a few months back. Between July and today, I've relapsed another 2 times, once with 100 days sober and another with 21 days sober (relapsed yesterday) (see my thread on ReTreading Again - newbies board)

Today, I have 24 hours, and that's all ANY of us have, the way I currently understand it.

I need something RADICAL to break me and make me surrender to GOD/MY HIGHER POWER, to my DISEASE. I'm heading to 30 days of treatment on Tuesday, for the 1st time (and by the grace of God, the only). I'm going to miss Christmas with my kids, with my wife, with my family. What's 30 days worth, when were talking about a whole lifetime?

I must do what I have to do to treat and combat this disease, or it will kill me. It wants to KILL me, that's it's goal.

Get to a meeting and sit in the chair. It will do you some good.

YOU CAN DO IT! If I can, of course you can.
Sean

Basi

(((((((( ))))))))))))

This site is amazing, I come here on a daily basis, and on a daily basis, without fail someone inspires me and today it is you Thorn. You are so brave and obviously strong .........you're here in this site aren't you........an obvious sign of strengh I think........cause I never thought i'd open up to anyone...and now looky see.....

My darlin keep on posting and keep on getting things of your chest, there are a multitude of broad shoulders here to help you, I think that is how we help each other by understanding and telling our stories in the hope that we may be helping someone ......................

lotsa luv
Basi

mikee

Yea Thorn! 17days! Excellent, hang in there! Your good night sleep is just around the corner, It takes a little while for the brain to re-adjust to a much better way of living!

TC mikee

Thorn

Thank you all for your understanding and support as well advice, I really appreciate it.
I'm feeling a little stronger every day and starting to feel like I can overcome my anxiety and effects of bipolar and make it to a meeting.
It sucks being one of the people with "Grave mental disorders" that the big book mentions. But, the big book goes on to say that "even they can recover if they are capable of being honest". I'm really working on the honesty part right now.

I actually broached the subject of alcoholism with my therapist yesterday, which felt good.

Thanks again for your encouragement, it's helped keep me sober one more day.

Thorn

Debby

I too have anxiety attacks, but someone wrote me that if I am not ready for AA/NA than go see a counselor one on one. It is so much less stressful. If you dont have the insurance, than you made a great start by coming here. this place helped me this past summer. My only problem was I thought that once I was clean I didnt need this place anymore, WRONG!!! I fell right into old habits shortly afterwards.

I am very excited for you that it has been 17 days, you need to celebrate that by patting yourself on the back and telling anyone who will listen, because there response will be good for you.

As for AA/NA, remember they are exactly like you, they wont judge and if your not comfortable with any specific meeting, find one that is right for you. Once you hear their stories and realize they are like you, the anxiety will go away. Take a natural supplement (Valerian) it is a natural Anti-Anxiety

Please let me know how you are doing, I am routing for you.
Love
Debbie

Ama

Thorn - congrats on your 17 days. I know how the complications of a mood disorder can really make things and life so much more difficult. I am not strictly Bi-Polar or even Uni-Polar - some strange inbetweeny. I live above the normal line in mania. Usually hypomania but with periods of elation and dysphoria. Today its dysphoria and its killing me but I am not drinking. I have no advice - wish that I had! But I would say that other members have given you some and they are so generous it is lovely to see their caring. That is a constant with SR. And that is the reason for me posting I suppose. To acknowledge the wonderful support that is there for you so just keep coming back and in time you will find the inner strength to get to a meeting. In the meantime you have remained sober - how incredible and thank you for sharing that. Luvs and a Gentle Recovery to you and all Ama

jslsnye

I too couldn't make it to a meeting for a long time. I would go so far as to drive there and then sit in my car and cry for the entire meeting time leaving of course before anyone could see me. The thoughts that went through my head!!! The only way I made it was when I had a moment of strength I called someone whom I knew a bit but not really and said I needed a favor and that was to come to the meeting with me. Then I had to answer to someone else as well as myself. I don't know if I ever would have gotten there without someone leading me in. I've been able to go alone since and it has been very good. I chose someone who wasn't in my "circle" so I was still able to hide everything and I'm still hiding but getting closer and closer every day. Hope this helps, Good Luck!!!

jslsnye

Thorn

Thank you jslsnye and Ama, your thoughts mean so much to me right now. I'm still here and hanging in there on day 20. Still haven't made it to a meeting, but I'm getting closer and closer. Talked to an aqaintance today, who I didn't even know was an alcoholic, and he's got 22 years sober! He said he would take me to a meeting Monday!

Things seem to be falling into place, thanks in a large part to you all sharing your strength and hope with me, and most of all your understanding. I know I'm not going to drink today.

Thanks so much,

Thorn

Ama

((((Thorn))))

Oh - that is soooo wonderful! Someone it truely looking after you. And WOW - there is encouragement - 22 years sober. He will be soooo good for you.

I shared at my meeting last night. I had to and it was soo difficult and I was only on day 5 and didnt feel I had the right to say anything. I told them that I didnt even know what I was going to say - but I did know that I had to speak up and vocalise my acceptance out loud and with voice. Funny cause afterwards the older members thanked me cause they told me it is the new people who remind them and help them keep a handle on the reality of the disease. That they need to hear us - they used to be us you see.

Your form sounds better and that tooo is encouraging. Just a day at a time make it to Monday. Luvs and Recovery and Peace of Mind - Ama

fiftycal_m2

I've been sober 17 months today. I've never felt so alone in my life. I somehow isolated myself from my AA family. My home meeting is filled with people I dont want anything to do with. just because they are sober dosn't mean they have good character. My driving is limited right now. I got two DUI's within eleven months. The consequences of my actions put me at a rock buttom. I do not get my ability to drive full time back for another 11 months. I was hoping that I could find the support and the friendship that I long for RIGHT HEAR. I know you people dont know me. But we are one and the same. Anyways, I am a 27 year old female. I am a successful engineer. I have a great job. By the grace of GOD I'm living today. My best friend is a chocolate lab. Thanks for being here people. Its a relief to know I can be with friends when I'm home alone. Thanks Carole

Chy

Hi Thorn,
Just a thought, you could call the club and have someone meet you and go with you, may be a bit less stressful for you if you have a hand to hold when you go in! Good luck, you'll get there when your supposed to!