Where to start?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: East Coast
Posts: 93
Where to start?
Here I am. I joined 2 years ago. Binge drinking many nights per week lately.
I had many good ups...and some downs. I know that the term "functioning alcoholic" isn't well received by many, but that is how I view myself. Great job, family etc. I hide it well. Yes, I actually do. A few times I have mentioned to friends here and there about wanting to cut down drinking. "WHAT? YOU ONLY HAVE A DRINK OR 2 AT PARTIES". Yup, that is correct. I can control it when I need to, I am a control freak by nature. At night, I guzzle when nobody is around. That has what kept me thinking that I am fine...nothing is wrong, life is great, right??!!
During these 2 years, I befriended a few on here. Traded messages, supported each other. They are gone. No longer active or posting. That is hard. Not sure if they moved on and aren't looking back or actively drinking....or dead. It is a sad reality.
I am a mom with very active school aged kids. I have worked from home for many years and have been successful. If I know I need to go pick them up from practice/school etc, then I won't drink. Once I know the day is done, then I "reward" myself. Drink while cooking dinner. Make sure I can chew on pickles/garlic etc before kissing my husband hello when he gets home. Resume drinking. He doesn't even know. He gets up early for work, so he falls asleep shortly after dinner. The weekends are the times when we have entire days together and I try to hold off on those days and pride myself on not drinking. On our date nights, I sometimes drink before going out so he thinks that my having 2 martinis the entire time makes me a light weight.
I had gotten to the point where I needed to go back to bed in the morning after getting everyone out the door (before COVID). My hangovers last longer, I feel liver pain, random numbness in fingers and toes. I check social media every morning to ensure I didn't post anything. I cannot remember shows I sit and watch with my husband after dinner. Now that we are all home, it has been easier to sleep in way longer as I handle the hangovers.
I don't drink every night, but I haven't gone 1 week without a drink for a long time. I seem to get 5-6 days and cave. I have had many instances in the past 2 years that I was able to overcome (drinking when flying etc) My short term goal is looking forward to 4/26 when I can say I have made it a full week.
My plan? Exercise, focus on family,house projects, work and meditate. After week 1, I will dive into something more. l never liked the AA life in my area, but willing to explore other options once life opens up. I think a 1/1 therapist may be my first step. If I am busy, then the AV doesn't creep up as much.
Thank you for listening to my babbling.....
I had many good ups...and some downs. I know that the term "functioning alcoholic" isn't well received by many, but that is how I view myself. Great job, family etc. I hide it well. Yes, I actually do. A few times I have mentioned to friends here and there about wanting to cut down drinking. "WHAT? YOU ONLY HAVE A DRINK OR 2 AT PARTIES". Yup, that is correct. I can control it when I need to, I am a control freak by nature. At night, I guzzle when nobody is around. That has what kept me thinking that I am fine...nothing is wrong, life is great, right??!!
During these 2 years, I befriended a few on here. Traded messages, supported each other. They are gone. No longer active or posting. That is hard. Not sure if they moved on and aren't looking back or actively drinking....or dead. It is a sad reality.
I am a mom with very active school aged kids. I have worked from home for many years and have been successful. If I know I need to go pick them up from practice/school etc, then I won't drink. Once I know the day is done, then I "reward" myself. Drink while cooking dinner. Make sure I can chew on pickles/garlic etc before kissing my husband hello when he gets home. Resume drinking. He doesn't even know. He gets up early for work, so he falls asleep shortly after dinner. The weekends are the times when we have entire days together and I try to hold off on those days and pride myself on not drinking. On our date nights, I sometimes drink before going out so he thinks that my having 2 martinis the entire time makes me a light weight.
I had gotten to the point where I needed to go back to bed in the morning after getting everyone out the door (before COVID). My hangovers last longer, I feel liver pain, random numbness in fingers and toes. I check social media every morning to ensure I didn't post anything. I cannot remember shows I sit and watch with my husband after dinner. Now that we are all home, it has been easier to sleep in way longer as I handle the hangovers.
I don't drink every night, but I haven't gone 1 week without a drink for a long time. I seem to get 5-6 days and cave. I have had many instances in the past 2 years that I was able to overcome (drinking when flying etc) My short term goal is looking forward to 4/26 when I can say I have made it a full week.
My plan? Exercise, focus on family,house projects, work and meditate. After week 1, I will dive into something more. l never liked the AA life in my area, but willing to explore other options once life opens up. I think a 1/1 therapist may be my first step. If I am busy, then the AV doesn't creep up as much.
Thank you for listening to my babbling.....
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I agree that you should stop drinking before the proverbial poop hits the fan. And if you keep drinking, eventually it will. 
The best advice I ever got here was two things: one, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink; and two, I had to practice gratitude every day.
Put all your effort into your sobriety. It can be rough at first but it gets better, day by day.
Lean on us here for support, and look up an online AA meeting. You can do this!
The best advice I ever got here was two things: one, I had to want to be sober more than I wanted to drink; and two, I had to practice gratitude every day.
Put all your effort into your sobriety. It can be rough at first but it gets better, day by day.
Lean on us here for support, and look up an online AA meeting. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 1,543
Welcome to the site.
As you will know (because you sound well read on the subject) there are gradations to alcoholism. It is progressive. You are certainly not as far down the river as some of us are (and maybe a little further than others) but overall you’re catching this now before you become a 24/7 sot - which is wise.
Have you thought about joining the April 2020 class where some of us are trying to make this the month we quit for good? It’s in this section of the forum.
As you will know (because you sound well read on the subject) there are gradations to alcoholism. It is progressive. You are certainly not as far down the river as some of us are (and maybe a little further than others) but overall you’re catching this now before you become a 24/7 sot - which is wise.
Have you thought about joining the April 2020 class where some of us are trying to make this the month we quit for good? It’s in this section of the forum.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Good to hear from you gymratgirl 
Sounds like there's a lot of problems being caused by your drinking and a lot of work being put into you keeping the extent of your drinking secret.
How much more functional you could be do you think if you were able to harness that energy as well?
The April 2020 thread is a good place to base yourself
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-two-5.html
D
Sounds like there's a lot of problems being caused by your drinking and a lot of work being put into you keeping the extent of your drinking secret.
How much more functional you could be do you think if you were able to harness that energy as well?
The April 2020 thread is a good place to base yourself
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-two-5.html
D
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I've exhausted myself the few times I've thought about all the time, effort, energy, anxiety, panic, lying (including silent deceit), and worrying I put myself through when I was drinking.
I was much too busy moving the furniture around and ensuring (badly) that people only saw what I wanted them to see when I was drinking to make time for living my life.
I was much too busy moving the furniture around and ensuring (badly) that people only saw what I wanted them to see when I was drinking to make time for living my life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 452
Your post resonates with me. Especially the part about waking up and then checking social media for any drunken and/or offensive posts. I remember waking up with an awful hangover and wondering what did I say to my wife, my son - and what did I post on social media?! I'm so glad that I don't have to worry about that anymore. Sobriety brings emotional stability and order. Giving up alcohol means that you'll never have to face that stress, on top of everything else, again.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by gymratgirl 
I know that the term "functioning alcoholic" isn't well received by many, but that is how I view myself. ..
You can't get out to AA during the lockdown. But you can read. The big book of AA is online. You can also read about rational recovery and AVRT.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
A lot of hiding takes a lot of thought and a lot of work. Think about how much thought goes into when am I going to drink, how much am I going to drink. Can wait till everyone falls asleep so I can drink as much as I want,
Samantha
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
Your story sounds a bit similar to mine. Drinking late at night is what I do....but I drink so much I'm usually drunk half the next day too so its hard to hide it. I'll also basically only drink when I have nothing to do the next day now. I just cant trust myself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Thanks for sharing Gymratgirl.
I realize some people say they don't have underlying reasons for drinking in extreme, it's simply a constant craving. But statistically most people with alcohol or substance use disorder do have some kind of underlying issue. Be it past traumas that are unresolved, family history, a current overwhelming life issue. Also things like depression, anxiety can be precursors, or they can stem from the drinking. My issue isnt alcohol, but I've found my past incidence of cocaine use, and binge use of have always been related to underlying emotional issues. I use 1:1 therapy like you are thinking about and its helped me work on the big picture beyond just quitting.
May I ask why you havent spoke with your husband about this? If possible this might help take away the secrecy and bring more accountability to your behavior. Do you think he would be supportive?
Great idea to begin working on a plan. Activities, exercise, meditation, journaling, are all great ideas. Changing the routine surrounding the times you normally use is also great idea.
Welcome back. You can stop, and you can heal.
I realize some people say they don't have underlying reasons for drinking in extreme, it's simply a constant craving. But statistically most people with alcohol or substance use disorder do have some kind of underlying issue. Be it past traumas that are unresolved, family history, a current overwhelming life issue. Also things like depression, anxiety can be precursors, or they can stem from the drinking. My issue isnt alcohol, but I've found my past incidence of cocaine use, and binge use of have always been related to underlying emotional issues. I use 1:1 therapy like you are thinking about and its helped me work on the big picture beyond just quitting.
May I ask why you havent spoke with your husband about this? If possible this might help take away the secrecy and bring more accountability to your behavior. Do you think he would be supportive?
Great idea to begin working on a plan. Activities, exercise, meditation, journaling, are all great ideas. Changing the routine surrounding the times you normally use is also great idea.
Welcome back. You can stop, and you can heal.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,572
So exhausting having to plan and hide our drinking.
Come to think of it, I didn't plan all that well at all. Even if I had to go to work the following day I would still drink. It's great when you can front work bright eyed and bushy tailed. Clean.
I know exactly how you feel and can only say it is so much better not having to go through the mental torture any longer. No longer the self loathing. Much reduced, at any rate. I'm learning, and it's good.
Agree too with least who says she wanted to be sober more than she wanted to drink. That's how it is for me now, and it can be for you too. Growing peace.
I used to think the practicing of gratitude was a bit of a rainbow crystal unicorn, but I don't any longer. Least was right. Thanks least.
Come to think of it, I didn't plan all that well at all. Even if I had to go to work the following day I would still drink. It's great when you can front work bright eyed and bushy tailed. Clean.
I know exactly how you feel and can only say it is so much better not having to go through the mental torture any longer. No longer the self loathing. Much reduced, at any rate.
I'm learning, and it's good. Agree too with least who says she wanted to be sober more than she wanted to drink. That's how it is for me now, and it can be for you too. Growing peace.
I used to think the practicing of gratitude was a bit of a rainbow crystal unicorn, but I don't any longer. Least was right. Thanks least.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,179
Steely, your first line is a homerun. Like Gymrat I considered myself a "functional alcoholic". For a long time the hiding, scheming, and etc. was part of the game. Made me feel smarter than everyone because I could have my cake, eat it too, and nobody knew. I don't know what changed. Maybe I became over-confident, maybe my drinking progressed too far where it was obvious that I was drinking. What I do know, 100%, is that the hiding and scheming was just so tiring. I began to think, 'Jeez, if I put as much effort into recovery, my job, exercise, parenting...literally any other worthwhile endeavor...I'll crush it."
The hiding and scheming is part of my AV though. Even this weekend when we had great weather and working a ton outside, it was trying to tell me that I could run to the "hardware store" and do some day drinking while I worked outside. Happy to report that I did run to the actual hardware store, but asked my wife to make the trip with me. I'd rather have her be my company than my AV.
Stick with it Gymrat. Just get through today. Once today is over, get through your next today. Check in here as much as needed. It gets easier and the days go faster!
The hiding and scheming is part of my AV though. Even this weekend when we had great weather and working a ton outside, it was trying to tell me that I could run to the "hardware store" and do some day drinking while I worked outside. Happy to report that I did run to the actual hardware store, but asked my wife to make the trip with me. I'd rather have her be my company than my AV.
Stick with it Gymrat. Just get through today. Once today is over, get through your next today. Check in here as much as needed. It gets easier and the days go faster!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
grg,
As I got older, the change was less about my pattern of drinking, and more that my body just couldn’t handle it anymore. My nightly allotment still had me reeling in time for the bus run in the am.
The secret for me was breaking the pattern of behavior I associated with drinking. Wine while cooking was a fav, so I switched to making stuff that didn’t give me all that time in the kitchen in the evening. I started walking when I previously would have been melting into the couch with a glass in hand. Anything to create new patterns of behavior.
Hard, but incredibly rewarding.
Best wishes,
-bora
As I got older, the change was less about my pattern of drinking, and more that my body just couldn’t handle it anymore. My nightly allotment still had me reeling in time for the bus run in the am.
The secret for me was breaking the pattern of behavior I associated with drinking. Wine while cooking was a fav, so I switched to making stuff that didn’t give me all that time in the kitchen in the evening. I started walking when I previously would have been melting into the couch with a glass in hand. Anything to create new patterns of behavior.
Hard, but incredibly rewarding.
Best wishes,
-bora
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,919
I know that the term "functioning alcoholic" isn't well received by many, but that is how I view myself. Great job, family etc. I hide it well. Yes, I actually do.
So did I.
However, biology betrayed me and my secret came out. Eventually, that may happen to you.
Around about age 45 my body said "enough" and I ended up needing to get medical help to detox. My wife drove me to the local "immediate care" medical facility and my secret was out.
A prescription for valium really helped with that detox and after a couple of days, I didn't need any more valium so I didn't use the entire prescription.
Like a true alcoholic, I saved the rest of the pills for the next few times my drinking got really out of control. And I also went back to the immediate care medical care facility a couple of other times in the next year or two, to get another prescription. My wife didn't know about this times.
I thank God, that I've been done with the crap for a long time now.
So did I.
However, biology betrayed me and my secret came out. Eventually, that may happen to you.
Around about age 45 my body said "enough" and I ended up needing to get medical help to detox. My wife drove me to the local "immediate care" medical facility and my secret was out.
A prescription for valium really helped with that detox and after a couple of days, I didn't need any more valium so I didn't use the entire prescription.
Like a true alcoholic, I saved the rest of the pills for the next few times my drinking got really out of control. And I also went back to the immediate care medical care facility a couple of other times in the next year or two, to get another prescription. My wife didn't know about this times.
I thank God, that I've been done with the crap for a long time now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Location: Florida
Posts: 368
You are exactly where I was right before the drinking became daily. That was unacceptable for me so I made the decision to stop completely a little over 4 months ago. That was the best decision I've ever made. I am so much happier and more capable without alcohol (or weed). I'll hit 5 months sober in ~2 weeks and I feel wonderful. You don't need it and it doesn't make life better. I didn't like AA very much in the beginning but now I love it. It's especially easy for you to attend meetings online now so maybe just sit through some and listen for a while. Also I think 1/1 therapy would be very good for you as well. Good luck!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
