Rsanchez920

Hi everyone just wanted to check in I'm still going strong and thankfully to whoever posted that link in this thread about the 24/7 meetings that has literally been a game-changer for me. As I said before I had attended one online meeting which was very awkward and not great and also finding a scheduled time that I could attend with my son being very hyper in the background was difficult but now I just click on to the online meeting and I basically listen to it like it's the radio while I'm working out or whatever I'm doing haven't had the courage to share yet but later on today I may try it....

there is a bunch of things on my mind this time around after reflecting on my ups and downs and what has worked for me and what hasn't and also been thinking about what friends can stay in my life because the people places and things really do make a big difference and the one time that I had two years of sobriety I ended all of my friendships of anyone who lived a lifestyle that I didn't want to live and I was very strict about the environment that I put myself in, the music that I listen to and I was just guarding my sobriety with everything that I had and although it may seem harsh that is what I think kept me sober the first time around.

with that being said I've known my best friend for a little over 3 years now and she definitely has her own unhealthy relationship with alcohol although she does manage it a bit better than I ever could and every time that I talked to her about recovery it's like she really doesn't want to hear it and thinks it's stupid and for somebody who's supposed to be my best friend that's just not right... Last night when I was talking to her on the phone (she was drinking) I was explaining to her that if I were to come over to her house and we were to have a bonfire like we always do that it would make me want to drink and that I probably shouldn't come over there and she's like oh my God not this again so are you never going to leave the house or do anything again and I'm just thinking to myself hello I'm an alcoholic easier said than done.... could I go to a place that I normally drink at and not drink? Yes of course but the chances are very high that I'm going to want to drink.... when I relapsed about a month-and-a-half ago after having 59 days that was when she invited me to an exhibit at a place to where they have bars and restaurants and where we always used to drink at and because of the familiar friendship that we have and the place I ended up drinking... Of course I made that decision I understand that but it was putting myself in a familiar using situation that made it that much easier for me...

So unfortunately going forward if she were to invite me to anything it's going to be a reminder of what we used to do together which is drink so now I'm just rethinking our friendship. Thats all were ever done together and she has been unsupportive and jelous with many things ive worked for...


Sorry that was long just talking out my situation... Thanks!!

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Steely

I think you made the right decision in not going to the Bon fire.

I don't think friendship should rest on this alone. Should make your friendship stronger. If not, it was a not a friendship worth keeping.

Rsanchez920

I guess time will tell....
​​​​​​... Just sad that i dont think we've ever hung out sober and i just can't see it honestly....

Anna

It sounds like this friendship is frayed, at best. Your friend sounds disinterested and unsupportive in what you're going through. It can be sad, but early recovery is a time of change and some of those changes are painful.

thirdperson

Where is the link you are referring to? Thanks!

Rsanchez920

24/7 Online AA Video Meeting - 24/7 AA Online Meeting

There it is! Its pretty impressive... A lot of great shares and its constant


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Cityboy

I guess you just have to search your soul and decide what is best for you.

I haven't told all of my friends yet. The ones that do know, as well as my wife and son, are trying to sort it out I think. They probably expect me to go back to drinking and are curious to see how it plays out. My moderate-at-best drinking has been a constant for a long time.

It sounds like your questions are:

Is the friendship based primarily on getting waisted? Can it exist otherwise?

Do you and your friend care about each other except for the purpose of having a drinking buddy?


I have one friend in particular who has been a very good friend and I care about deeply. Not long after 5 PM, he is going to have a whiskey on ice with a few molecules of coke. Being around him in the evening will likely be one of my greatest challenges, but maybe I can be a good friend for him for once and be an influence for him to quit.

Misssy2

Ran...I posted the link..it literally saved me from drinking on day 9....Im on day 12 because of that meeting...

As far as your friend when I was reading what you wrote....how she turned it on YOU and said...."Oh here you go again"....If she is a really good friend...then you should be able to talk to her...whether she is drunk or sober...but tell her that what you would really like is to have a bonfire one night with a bunch of food and some fireworks or something....

She doesn't realize by her saying -Oh here we go again your never going out...our whatever she is inserting a "trigger" for you....you don't have to tell her that...but you do have to tell her...I want to hang out...have a bonfire and you just don't drink that NIGHT for ME...….

She's putting you down for not drinking and I don't think she realizes it and I don't think you realize what it is doing to your psyche.....the silent voice that then becomes loud in your head....to DRINK or you will never have this friend.

She needs to bend and if she doesn't I'm sorry...but don't let her drag you down...Your doing good.

TimeNeedsTime

I think you should cut your friend some slack. What should she know, or care for that matter, about your drinking? Also you mention going to a bonfire, and you dont want your friend to drink. Why should she have to suffer because of your shortcomings? Also, and im open to correction on this, but a bonfire with no drinking sounds incredibly boring even to an old fart such as myself with six years sobriety.

Give her a break and make up.

Rsanchez920

We have had this same similar conversation numerous times... And she doesn't understand alcoholism and recovery it seems as to why this would be a bad idea... I would love to just do a bonfire and eat or chat and whatnot but im not nearly strong enough and just being around her is like a trigger to drink for me... Also i cant talk to her like how we used to.... Kinda sad... And a loss of support... Idk yet what im going to do...

TimeNeedsTime

Y This is wrong on so many levels. I can really sense anger in your post as well.

Rsanchez920

But over the past 6 months shes been unsupportive or annoyed when i talk about my recovery. Shes my best friend and normally supportive....
​We used to talk daily on the phone but now its becoming less frequent because when we talk she makes insensitive comments as if im too obsessed with trying to be sober and avoiding triggers... Yet i listen to her issues and never say insensitive things....she drinks and that's fine i dont control her but in 3 years weve only hung out without booze and drugs one time.... Our whole relationship is a trigger basically for me... I think it will be a very long time before i see her again. I would have to be very strong for that. Time will tell im not making any rash desicions at the moment

TimeNeedsTime

I noticed a good while back that people do not like talking about anything recovery related. Unless they are in the loop of course. It picks at lifetime scars they have, it triggers them all our talk of inner searching twelve stepping rehab and faicng our pasts. This is why we have the likes of AA. See for me, I love my wife okay, I adore her, she has been my rock through all of this, she listens, she shouts, she listens again. Ad infinitum.

But. Yes, there are still buts, but.......

She can never understand me like another addict does. see we know how we tick, we are together in this loop that unites us. I love talking to fellow addicts, they are the only people who really know just what the hell im talking about and more importantly how im feeling because they have been there, they understand your pain first hand my dear..

I hope this makes some sense and helps you maybe understand your friend a little more. Id say she wants nothing more than the one thing she cant have and thats her old friend back. Talk to her. Resentments just fester away at the mind so sort it out either way okay.

All the best.

Rsanchez920

Gives me something to think about for sure.... Thanks for responding

Lines

To me it sounds like your friend simply doesn't want things to change. She's probably been happy with you as her sidekick Now your changing and so is the dynamic between you. She feels the loss, and wants you to change back. Maybe there are two issues? What was really at the core of your friendship? Was it based on lots of personal connections, an ability to have deep discussions, trust , common life experiences, values, enjoying the same fun activities often while drinking. I think the depth of the friendship matters, as does your friends own ability to look beyond her own wants.

I've never had an issue explaining my experience using cocaine, or the damage it caused me, or recovering from it. Most people face challenges in their life and they can relate to making mistakes, lots of inner thought and feelings, and how hard it is to change thinking and behaviors. Think pain of a breakup, family issues, other illness.. would she be there through these things, or simply suggest fun and drinking as the solution. (Wouldn't be too helpful if you were say, battling cancer. ) . Maybe she just doesn't have the depth or emotional resources to be of support under varying circumstances.

But I also agree that maybe if you work a program like AA where it's got it's own approach and concepts then you might get an oh no, not again the talk about your spiritual defects or character defects.?? . Stuff like that is probably best left to discuss with people who also do that kind of thing. I dont use the program, and even being in recovery myself would have trouble following a discussion. So maybe review what your sharing and see if there's something being lost in translation on your side.

Obladi

Hey R,

First off, I'm really glad to know you're still going. Above all, this is the most important thing.

Lines synthesizes this whole dilemma really clearly. And I think you are wise to be looking at this situation, deciding to think about it some more before acting.

In the end, you really don't need to decide right now what's going to happen with this friendship. It will continue or it will end; no reason to force an answer at this time.... right?

I think (just me, but it might help you? ) the more interesting question is why this is troubling you so. Do you want your friend to change? Is it possible your addiction is trying to use all of this to chip away at your sober resolve? Do you want your friend to understand you in a way she isn't capable of doing right now? I don't know the right questions or answers for you. But you know what I mean?

It helps me right now to frame everything in the structure of the principles. How do I best embody the characteristics I want to possess?

Keep on keeping on.
You're doing good.

Hawkeye13

I pretty much had to leave my social circle of heavy drinking friends.
A little lonely and sad at first but now when I see them I know I made the right decision.

Alcoholism is progressive and it stops for no one.

Rsanchez920

Thanks for responding... No its simply that a friend is usually supportive and interested in you bettering your life. And by making similar comments for weeks to me, its the sign of an unsuppirtive friend. And yes our relationship is built on alcohol and drugs. As i said i recently deleted my dealers number. She is the only other person i know who can get drugs. That makes me uneasy to be honest. At times ive caved and called her and she has gotten me some in last resort situations.....so i think its just maybe a sad eye opener that this friendship isnt as deep as i thought it was....i also dont want to be around ppl that live a lifestyle i dont want. This time aroumd im taking it more seriously, hence examining who i hang with, etc...

Im not in huge turmoil over it now.... Yesterday i was a bit upset at her comments. Due to this lockdown we wont see eachother a while reguardless... Gives me time to assess things

Abraham

I think you can be friends and still not do things you dont feel like doing. Of course that up to you though. All my friends still drink that I know of and I have not stopped hanging around them any more or less than before.