rahrah

I'm so disappointed in myself....I had 3 years of sobriety. And then I had ONE drink. Which of coarse led to more and then to a whole year off the wagon. And yes, I absolutely ended up where I was when I was so desperate to quit 4yrs ago. Desperate to quit again, I get a few days, a few weeks even, under my belt and swear off it, beg myself and then poof! All the desire to not drink is gone and I'm doing it again. I never ever wanted to be back to day one because it was TORTURE getting myself sober ... as in seriously sober, a yr of sobriety type of sober. I was so amazed that I did it. So proud of myself for those 3yrs. I felt great, was doing great.
I know exactly what I did wrong....everything....all the usual things. I got complacent, bored with recovery work...I didn't accept that I was relapsing just by thinking about having that one drink...then I took it. I didn't tell anyone. I wasn't in AA. I drank on and off this last year mostly on the sly, not enough for anyone to notice that I had been drinking again...until they did.
So I'm back at square one.

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank rahrah but I'm glad you made it back.

I don;t think you're really back at square one either. You have three years of recovery to access and you know know what can happen when you lose focus.

I think you're very well placed to make this attempt stick forever

D

Libby06

Welcome back rah rah. Stories like yours scare me a bit, but serve as a very important reminder that this thing is patient. It never goes away. It can only be arrested. I am 3,5 years sober after relapsing at 18 months. Should have 5 years, but I don't. My story is very in line with yours. I stopped doing what worked, romanticized drinking, figured I could have 1 or 3, learned I couldn't. It was awful. Booze turned on me a long time ago, and it will never do anything good for me again. Some of us just need to do more research. Hopefully we spare others from having to do it themselves.

For me, I was and still am in AA.I told on myself to my sponsor and went straight back to what kept me sober the first time. The only thing that changed was my date, and a near fatal reminder of my true condition. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

I see you said you didnt do AA, but can you go back to what got and kept you sober the first time? Start posting here every day. Lots of zoom AA meetings if that's something you might be interested in.

Telling on ourselves is the key to getting better, if we really want it. Nothing good grows in the dark. I'm really glad you are here.

rahrah

Thanks Dee. I'm really determined again.

rahrah

And thanks Libby....I knew I needed to get out of hiding. AA meetings are about a 45min drive each way (and of coarse not accessable at all now). It was tough to get to them with young kids, but I'm willing to try Zoom. Who knows, maybe when things are back to normal, I'll try AA (I'm am atheist so that's a tough one for me.)

Steely

Welcome back rahrah.

I relapsed after 5 years, and didn't lose them when I relapsed. I lost a day count, but not the things I had learned during those 5 years. I learned that it is so much better being sober.

Keep coming back here it will help to keep you focussed on sobriety. Congrats on coming back.

Bekindalways

Welcome Rahrah. I'm glad you found us.

Some folks here just use this website so you could just check in here regularly.

What worked before at keeping yourself sober?

Verdantia

Hey, rahrah. I'm glad you're here. Complacency is a demon. I started drinking after 15 years of sobriety--thought I knew all about it and could just have a drink or two-I could take it or leave it. Needless to say, I was utterly wrong, and it was a long, hard journey to get my life and dignity back. I now have 4 years, 4 months, and I guard my sobriety jealously against complacency. I think Dee is right that you're not back at square one. You learned a lot from your stint of sobriety and can use that knowledge to refine your sober plan. I wish you all the best; SR is a vital part of my recovery, and I hope you decide to hang with us.

Gottalife

We don't discuss religion much in my part of the world. I haven't met many actual atheists apart from one I remember from a few years back. He was the most religious person I ever met in the sense that he preached atheism every chance he got. I never saw any of our more "christian" types behave like that.

For myself I was agnostic, which is to say I had no belief in any god, nor any experience of same. I did not believe, but then I discovered I did not have to believe in anything to make a start.

I found my self in a position of what I might call motivational misery. If the only way out of it was to believe, was I willing to set aside my prejudices and adopt an attitude of willingness? Or was that asking too much? I could have my prejudice and get misery, or adopt an attitude of willingness and get hope.

Needless to say I had had enough of the misery, so I gave it a go.

Reid82

Welcome back again Hope you can make it stick this time around.

aasharon90

Thank you for returning back to us and ready to
begin building a strong solid recovery foundation
to live your life upon each day you remain sober.

Besides incorporating a continuous program of
recovery that I learned 29 yrs ago each day I have
remained sober, I stay connected to all my recovery
lifelines to help me when I need that help with life's
ups and down.

When I read or listen to other folks post or shares,
never have I hear that this person went back out to
test the drinking waters to see if it was safe and that
drinking became better. That everything in their life
was soooo much better than before. That they were
happy and content.

All these yrs that I have been sober, never has one
single person that went back out come back in and
let me know that it was cool to return to alcohol.

NEVER

Because of this never have I ever went out to test
it myself. I never had to because they went out for
me. If it hasn't worked for anyone by now, then it will
never work today or tomorrow or ever.

If I went out today after all these yrs sober to check
it out for myself that alcohol isn't working still....id be a
dang fool. Id be drunk because one drink would never
ever satisfy my craving for it. One drink would be absolutely
devastating to me. There is no guarantee that I would
return here to SR to let you guys know what happened
because I could end up dead.

That's just it...am I will to gamble my life on it? Is it really
worth it to throw away everything I worked so hard to
achieve what I have gained today?

Yes, life has its ups and downs, struggles, but nothing so
horrible that drinking would make it better. Not even with
this virus going on.

There are many going thru the same thing as us. So I reach
out to them and find out what they are doing to get by each
day. Are they drinking? Id hope not. Are they coming together
in fellowship to lean on each other for support learning something new to pass the time away while waiting to return
to work.

Are they sharing their own experiences, strengths and hopes
with others on what was and is like before during and after
alcohol or addiction. What can we do to strengthen our own
recovery life so that we dont end up returning to the sickness
addiction does to us.

Dig deep and learn from each other and end addiction
once and for all no matter what life throws at us.

Support, care, understanding to all.

DriGuy

That first innocent drink is a killer. You feel normal and you have done so well. You might even think you are an expert at quitting. It's easy as pie to think it won't matter one bit.

biminiblue

Yeah, like others in this thread I had stopped drinking for many years and then one day in a perfect storm of life crises, twisted thinking and nonchalance I picked up a glass of something. It was okay at first, just one or two here and there. Then - given time (as it does) - I was back to the misery of full-on drinking.

For me, once I made That Decision this time to quit, it has gone relatively smoothly. I truly knew the stakes.

I did go to AA meetings for the first four months. I think AA is helpful in many ways, regardless of whether or not you believe in God. Many people are just like you, so don't let that be a stumbling block. I heard both sides many times in meetings - just like in life. Meetings settled me down, gave me purpose, gave me stories, dire warnings and direction. A way to get out of my own head. I posted here daily, too. Still do, with six years sober. I hope to see you around more often.

I'm glad you made it back alive.

brighterday1234

Anna

Rahrah, I'm glad you're back. You have 3 years of experience to help you begin your sober life again. And, we're here to support you.

Zebra1275

Been there, done that. I was over 5 years sober and did the same thing.

And after the first beer, I went downhill quickly.

For the next year I tried and tried to get sober but could not do it for more than 5 or 6 days at a time.

What saved my butt was this website and finally giving up and trying AA. I've managed to remain sober 10 years this time, so if that's possible for me, it's also possible for you.

The current pandemic and social distancing will probably impact your ability to attend AA meetings. However, this website is available 24/7 and I would encourage you to be here everyday. Also, do a search on this website to see what online recovery options might be available for you.

Surlyredhead

rahrah,

That is my worst nightmare and I have been there. I am so grateful you posted it. Please don't let guilt, shame or regret keep you hostage. You are very brave to come here for support. Remember how you feel right now, you never have to feel that way again, but it is just as important not to forget either.

Cathy

Hawkeye13

I also did the same thing repeatedly.

When you learn better you do better.
It's good you are back and ready to get it done.

The good news is that the path is familiar, you know you can do it, and you haven't "lost" the sober muscles you build in the three years. They are still there and that actually will make things easier once you get past the first difficult weeks.

Lines

I also relapsed. And the thing is it's actually common. When reading the symptoms of alcohol/substance use disorder - its listed right there.

I also took my lapse hard. I'm still getting over the emotional effects. But beginning to see it for what it was. It has no defining power over me. Didnt change me. Hopefully its purpose is to just help me learn more about myself, my health.

I dont count days. My goal is to be healthy, and to be the person I aspire to be. Live the life I want to live.

Bilbao

Yep, sounds familiar. Alcohol-free for two years, fitter than I'd ever been, feeling great, decided to have a pint in a pub on family holidays. What harm could it do?

Four more years of drinking is what it did, harder and more damaging than before quitting.

I think back to this whenever I get the idea that the odd drink wouldn't make any difference.