Hello all, my name is Jason and I have been struggling with alcohol addiction for about 15 years. I started really drinking hard when I was 19 and I will be 35 later this year. I thought I would give a forum a try because a lot of other options haven’t worked for me. I have done AA before and really enjoyed being able to talk about and listen to others who are going through or have went through the same things. Yet I am not a religious person and their are a lot of things that I disagree with in AA. Not to say they don’t do great work, but its not for me. I figured this may be a good alternative. Here goes my story.

i had my first drink when I was about 16 years old and I remembered how much fun I had. From 16 to 19 I would get together with friends probably once a month and we would have a party. I always drank in excess, I never drank in moderation. And unfortunately that has never changed.

Fast forward to age 19. I had a traumatic experience at this age and it was the first time I had turned to alcohol to numb pain and not to just have fun. It was also the first time I drank by myself. My first love had been at the wrong place at the wrong time and was hit by a drunk driver while she was walking. It didn’t kill her till years later, but she didn’t have what I would call a life after that. So much brain damage and was a vegetable for several years until she passed. Around this time I got a DUI. I feel like this was the beginning of my addiction.

As a few years went by to age 22, I continued to drink, but had it “semi-under control” drinking maybe once a week, but my tolerance had increased to a pint of vodka and a couple of beers to get me where I wanted to be. I had met another girl and began a serious relationship. She always disliked my drinking, but she accepted it. After a few years we broke up for some other reasons, but alcohol definitely played a role.

Now at 25 I was convinced that she was the problem and it wasn’t alcohol. “I’m a grown man and won’t be told to what I can and cannot do.” I lied to myself being single will be great cause now I can party and do what I want without getting nagged at. In hindsight, that was just the addiction speaking. My tolerance had increased so much by now that I was drinking an entire 5th of vodka now about 3-4 times a week and blacking out everytime. Yet I lied to myself that I didn’t have a problem because at this time I was becoming very successful in the financial industry and making a lot of money. Had my own home, a nice car and plenty of money in the bank. Alcoholics don’t have that. (Wrong!)

Fast forward to age 30. I have continued to succeed in my career and now I am a manager of a bank, but still in my alcohol addiction. Now that I’ve gotten older, I can’t get 4 hours of sleep and go to work and perform at a high level like I used to. I started coming in late often, calling in because I was too hungover etc. Finally at age 32 my boss who had seen that my addiction was getting out of control gave me an ultimatum. I either get treatment from this or I lose my job. No matter how good I was at my job, the alcohol was destroying it.

I went into rehab with the wrong attitude from the start. Still in denial that I was an alcoholic, but I’m just a binge drinker. I don’t drink everyday and don’t need a drink when I wake up, that was an alcoholic to me. (it’s not) Even though I was up to drinking every other day at this point. Had it not been for the hangovers I probably would of drank every day. So I spent a week in rehab, not soaking in the information. When I got out I actually stayed sober for 2 more weeks before I started back again. Within a month I was going to lose my job so I resigned before I got terminated.

After that things took a turn for the worst. I foolishly cashed in all my retirement, pension and what I had in savings. Had about 50,000 in the bank and for the next year I stayed in my home in deep depression, drinking more than I ever had. Was up to about a 5th of vodka and a 12 pack of beer by then in one sitting. My family was really concerned for me at this point because I was calling them drunk with suicidal thoughts. I just felt so hopeless that I threw y away in my life and just didn’t care anymore. Eventually had to file bankruptcy and lose my house. Which really hurt me as I prided myself as good with me as I was a financial advisor for so many years.

After about a year when I ran out of money I finally pulled myself together and got a job again. I decided to go to another career path because banking was a stressful job and I didn’t want to stress drink. I was still drinking at this point, but had cut back to twice a week, but still was binge drinking till I blacked out.

I got a job managing a hotel and really took off. I had so much hope because things were looking up again. I felt like I had my drinking under control (still didn’t) and I was successful in a career again. The company really took a liking to me after the first 6 months and moved me across the country to manage more hotels for them. They were even talking about making me a partner if I continued to do well for them.

Eventually the stress of the job caused me to increase my drinking to every other day again and was affecting my performance. I once again was calling in, showing up late and to top it off I was living in an apartment on the property and coming home drunk from bars and stumbling to my room in front of employees. Word eventually got to the owners and I promptly quit again to avoid being fired.

So I came back home in late 2019 probably at the lowest point I have been in my life. I got a job from my friend working overnight front desk at a hotel. Depression has really sunk in as now I feel so low, that I went from making 6 figures a couple years ago to making minimum wage. I had to move in with my sister because I don’t make enough to live on my own. You would think after all the things alcohol has screwed up in my life, I would finally wake up and quit, but still I drink.

At the beginning of 2020 I did the usual New Years resolution of quitting. I did something I had done before and gave my sister all my credit cards, bank cards so I had no way to purchase alcohol. I joined AA and I actually stayed sober for 6 weeks, longest I had ever went. But I disliked some of AAs beliefs and eventually stopped going. I thought I was ready now to have control of my finances again and got my cards back from my sister. Within a few week I relapsed.

Ive been on my usual every other day bender since mid February and am now being threatened to be kicked out of her house. I literally have no where else to go and don’t want to be homeless. To top it off with this coronavirus my hours have been drastically cut and may lose my job any day.

So for the millionth time here I am trying to kick this demon. I gave my sister my cards again and told her not to give them back to me for a very long time. I had my last drink Tuesday and now its Friday. I’m fortunate that I am not so far gone yet that I have severe withdrawals or need to be on medicine. But if I continue like I have been I will be like that soon.

Im so desperate at this point and want more than anything to get this out of my life. I used to be healthy, now I’ve gained 100lbs over the past 15 years and can’t even look at myself. I’m very lonely because I know that I cannot have a relationship until I fix myself first. I can’t get a career until I fix myself. I can’t start losing weight until I kick this addiction. Everything that is wrong in my life is directly related to alcohol.

I really hope this is the last time because I’m afraid there is only going to be 3 outcomes. Either I get sober or I end up dead or in prison from drinking and driving. I know I am so much better than this. I have a college degree, a successful resume and the sky is the limit, but I have this devil on my shoulder.

If you listened to my entire story, thank you. That felt good to get off my chest. I look forward to reading everyone’s journey and actively participating in this community. I think talking with people who know what I am going through is so good for me. I have friend and family who support me, but its hard for them to understand as they aren’t alcoholics. Thank you for your time!