D122y

Team,

Not really a drinking question and I figure folks may have bigger fish to fry....but here goes.

It seems my loving wife feels the need to clean the kitchen about 1 time a week.

Until then it is up to me and my son to take care of ourselves and either work around or clean any mess my wife makes.

I give her respect because she works very hard half the time. The other time she is off work and generally is oblivious to any and all messes she or anyone else makes.

Today was a straw that broke the camels back for me because I started cleaning up 2 very dirty pots and stove that I had just cleaned up 2 days ago.

I was grudgingly making my way through her second mess when she decided to complain I was making too much noise cleaning.

I pretty much lost it.

So, I told her I will never clean up after her again and see how that works for a while.

I know my love life will be non existent for the near future and maybe longer because of this.

This could be the beginning of the end as far as I am concerned.

I have taken great care of this family and I am at my witts end because I am feeling used and abused.

I told her all of this except the beginning of the end part.

Thoughts?

Thanks.

Dee74

I think if there's three people in the house hold it makes sense for everyone to pull their weight - one person cooks, one washes up, someone else dries and put things away.

Everyone should have a hand in cleaning the kitchen daily especially in the current viral crisis.

would that work in your house?

D

Surrendered19

My advice is to apologize to her for blowing your stack and make it your job to clean the kitchen as often as you want it cleaned. That problem is then solved. She will never care if the kitchen is as clean as you want it so you have to make your kitchen into what you want.

Then you need to address the small issues as they come up rather than let things build like you do. The thing that pissed you off is the thing that needs to be fixed or the relationship is in trouble. It was really rude of her to ask you to wash the dishes more quietly. It shows a total lack of respect for you and is something a clueless child would say. I dare say it shows contempt for you.

You might not always like each other, and it sounds hokey, but as long as there is respect flowing both ways, you can be happy together.

Very frustrating and discouraging. I hope you can zero in on the real issues, which aren't dirty pots and pans.

D122y

I am willing to try this or any other ideas, because what is going on now is not working for me.

I am sure the whole house is a bit traumatized over my little fit, but I needed to let it out.

I am sure the stress of COVID didn't help the situation, but if anyone knows me, I try to find the good in everything.

Maybe I needed this little push to get this house to make the change.

Thanks Dee and still looking for other ideas etc.

silentrun

It sounds like the problem isn't the cleaning but the not being appreciated part. I'd focus on how the messes make you feel used instead of who is going to clean the kitchen.

HeadEast

I hope you clean up your messes and are a good example.

JK130

I think that it's really hard to be locked in, and that all of us, each of us, is scared and stressed by the danger in our world today. Try taking a walk (in a safe space), exercise in the living room and/or a long, hot shower. I've been reading your words for almost 5 years now, and know you to be strong and kind. Hide the dirty pots in a black bag or just wash them...then hug your wife and laugh together. Put on some music and dance. Do a puzzle. Eat something that didn't make a big mess. Feel lucky that you have a partner.

D122y

Thanks for the feedback.

I will take it all in and process it. At least I was not flipping out in a drunken rage....like the old days.

If i know my wife, this is already over. She will try to do better at cleaning messes up, but she will slip (for the hundredth time).

I have washed so many of her pots, probably like 8 out of 10 for the last 20 years. Am I doomed to be her sous chef for eternity. She is a messy person and is quite content zigzagging around little piles of disorganization all day.

We are opposite here.

Based on all the feedback I have some ideas. The being cooped up thing, plus family issues elsewhere, etc etc are definitely taking a toll on my patience.

I am trying to kick a lingering cold/allergy thing and have taken the last 3 days off working out. I actually think I might have been overtraining while in quarantine mode. But, my dopamine levels are not charged like I am used to.

I am doing my best and at times I think a little flip out might be them correct call....as long as nobody gets hurt. No cops.

Thanks.

DriGuy

Trouble in paradise. Ouch!

Lines

If you've been the one to clean 80% of the time for the last 20 years then I'd say you may be cleaning for the next 20. Maybe it would help to balance it out mentally if you can think of some household duties your wife does 80% to your 20%. Actual cooking. Laundry. Grocery shopping, vacuuming, feeding the dog?

I know my wife likes it when I talk to her about how I'm feeling, and also ask how she is feeling about things. Which means listening . We solve most issues this way. As a general rule in our house (and we were both basically raised by our parents this way): The kitchen is to be spotless at the end of the night. The dishwasher is usually the last thing to be turned on.

As a last resort to improve your love life. You may need to go full butler attire and attend to all her needs.

FeelingGreat

Living with an unhelpful teen or 2 many years ago, I found it useful to set up a system. You can't do that on your own though.

I sat my daughter down at the table with a notebook each. I asked her what she thought would be a fair division of labour. If you ask someone that question they almost always come up with something reasonable themselves. We settled on having a night where we'd get takeaway and clean the house - meaning floors, bathroom, kitchen, surfaces, putting away if necessary. For cooking/cleaning up, the person who cooked didn't have to wash the dishes. Shopping we would share responsibility rather than leave it all to me. Our talk also included an exchange of views on annoying habits which we could work on.

For my son, we did a similar system, except he preferred to do the weekly clean himself without me getting in his way. I paid for the takeaway.

If you don't sit and talk together the tension's probably going to build up again. I suggest you apologise for blowing your top but say you'd like to discuss calmly.

AnvilheadII

I have washed so many of her pots

her pots. interesting.
does this mean that the meals cooked in those pots of hers are also just for her?

thomas11

Sorry to hear D122, that sucks. Based on what you wrote in your OP, she needs to pull some more weight around the house. And I think you are within your rights to tell her that.

D122y

My wife grew up with maids following her around. Rather than learn how to clean etc., she learned to be oblivious to any and all messes she makes.

When we were dating this topic came up because she...surprised..me with a nice dinner after my hard day at work.

I cleaned up a huge huge mess she made, probably took me 2 hours spread out over 2 days.

I asked her that day if she wants to cook please clean up. I am self sufficient.

She is trying, but she slipped a bit this last month and yesterday I snapped.

Honestly, I tried to ask her nicely over the last week, but she tends to forget when I talk nicely?

So I lost it.

It is a new day and we are both awake but haven't spoken. She is staying in the bedroom, I am downstairs, finished my breakfast, on the way to work.

I left the kitchen cleaner than I found it.

I am going try to keep being a helpy helper and not lose my mind.

We need time make this work.

Here she comes, she is in a good mood.

She apologized for last night and started to look for something to cook.

Lol!

Time to go to work.

Thanks.

Anna

These are unusual and tough times and I sympathize with your situation. It really helps if a couple can be on the same page with cleaning and tidying up. I think you have to decide how important this issue is to you. Is this a do or die issue? If it is, then maybe this is the beginning of the end. If not, can you ignore it and/or clean up yourself? Are you willing to do that or will it cause ongoing resentment? Is it a possibility to hire a cleaner to come in for a few hours a week?

zoobadger

Not advice, per se, but managing the kitchen is an essential part of being a good cook.

Pots and pans need to be cleaned promptly after use to retain their non-stick properties, so the thought of leaving them dirty on the stovetop makes me shudder, lol. I use cast-iron skillets a lot and those especially require careful cleaning and care.

For me, I couldn't enjoy the food I prepare if each meal left the kitchen in the state of a disaster area. I clean as I cook. For each cooking step, there's usually a cleaning step. Typically, the kitchen is fairly tidy by the time I serve a meal. That way cleaning up fully isn't an obnoxious task.

My wife works far more hours than me so I manage all the household tasks. I'm better at it than her and I'm particular about things like that, so that's just how we manage our home. It works for both of us. (I'm a much better cook than her, too).

Edit: I'd add that one of the things that makes me a good cook isn't just the quality of food; it's the experience and ability to prepare decent meals without a lot of fuss and mess. I learned from watching and cooking with my mom who raised me and six siblings.

D122y

It felt like the end of the world yesterday. She is going to think twice before leaving a mess. She doesn't usually like what I cook, so me handling the cooking duties won't cut it.

She is Filipino and they like their style of food. I am a billy goat and can be happy eating 95% of all things.

I am never going to lose it over the mess again.

That is why I posted.

It gave me a chance to get some feedback and cool down.

Her too.

I have a plan to get closer to her when I need her to listen vs yelling from across the house.

I am going to get right up next to her, intamacy style. I will explain this is my new way of trying to communicate.

We are older, 50s, but we are pretty strong and young at heart.

The close thing will keep me from yelling, which seems to cause the lingering rsentment and trauma.

I am sort of a wise guy and do cause my wife to act selfish and childish sometimes. I am passive aggressive.

I am not too proud and understand I am a work in process.

Thanks.

biminiblue

Well at least you're seeing your part.

I think if you've been cleaning up after her for 20 years, that's gonna be a tough fix!

I also believe that if one person cooks, the other two should clean up. Some of my fondest memories are doing dishes with my parents...by hand, after a nice meal. One person washes the other dries and puts them away as they get washed.

ReadyAtLast

I think everyone is just feeling really stressed and everything is so exagerratingly annoying because of the lock down. You seem to have been married several years so perhaps know your wife isn't the tidiest person or housekeeper ( no criticism there btw) I think the current situation is just making everything so much worse. Few of us are able to go out to work, we are all just locked in all day and everything seems magnified. Maybe sit down and talk in the family about who has to so what etc.

Hawkeye13

It's good to make up and keep working on better communication.
You are never married too long to improve on that

It's nice you reflected on your part and how you can get closer.
These are tough times. Family cohesion is more important than ever.