Advice for dealing with wife
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
We totally made up. But, she said a few triggering things and was walking around fast and loud initially.
I can see she is still in a little shock from my rant. She has 3 sisters around the same age as her and she had called them last night and facetimed. They called again today to check up on her...indirectly.
She made a huge pan of delicious noodles. It probably took her 3 hours. The kitchen was a little more messy, here and there, from where I left it.
Like so many have said, she is not going to change totally, but I can tell she is doing her best.
Like others have said, we are under a ton of stress with covid. Definitely.
I am having trouble getting my head around being happy to clean up the kitchen after someone makes dinner. I will help, but don't expect me to do it all alone.
I am interested in making clean up family time. It is just we never eat together because of our weird schedules.
Anyway...
I enjoyed the noodles and cleaned up most of the areas that were still a little messy.
Plus, I had to put all the left over noodles away along with a fresh pot of white rice. Otherwise, i was concerned all would be left out all night to spoil.
I won't leave her over this. It could be a whole lot worse...she could be a recovering addict like me etc etc.
Thanks.
I can see she is still in a little shock from my rant. She has 3 sisters around the same age as her and she had called them last night and facetimed. They called again today to check up on her...indirectly.
She made a huge pan of delicious noodles. It probably took her 3 hours. The kitchen was a little more messy, here and there, from where I left it.
Like so many have said, she is not going to change totally, but I can tell she is doing her best.
Like others have said, we are under a ton of stress with covid. Definitely.
I am having trouble getting my head around being happy to clean up the kitchen after someone makes dinner. I will help, but don't expect me to do it all alone.
I am interested in making clean up family time. It is just we never eat together because of our weird schedules.
Anyway...
I enjoyed the noodles and cleaned up most of the areas that were still a little messy.
Plus, I had to put all the left over noodles away along with a fresh pot of white rice. Otherwise, i was concerned all would be left out all night to spoil.
I won't leave her over this. It could be a whole lot worse...she could be a recovering addict like me etc etc.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Family cohesion is certainly more important than ever. I'm still drinking and I find myself pitying my husband the most. He's a front-liner to my addiction yet on days likes this I am worried that he realizes I've lost all control. He has forgiven me for only doing dishes once or twice a week. Hell, he has actually chipped-in and participated when he recognizes that I'm in need of down-time and just cant keep it up.
I'll be honest here when I say that this last relapse has been increasingly hard and unpredictable. My husband is incredibly patient as of late; nothing short of heroic. But I can see that I am draining the life out of him. He is a "morning complainer" so as soon as he awakens, he prefers to get things off his chest. Then he smokes a bowl and settles things out internally. BUT as of late (...clearly during my active drinking) ..he has understandably been exercising extra caution towards me.
I awaken with vomit in places that it doesnt belong. This evening, as I woke from the lack of good sleep, I found him sleeping on the floor peacefully. Its never happened before and shortly after , I realized there was a wet spot at the foot of the bed. Im not sure what it is (**** or vomit). I raced to do a house-check and a clean-up. My threshold for vomiting is excruciatingly low but this time I feel I might have pissed myself. I am thinking of flipping the mattress but I am worried I might wake him out of his sweet slumber. Alcoholism sucks and I'm stuck to it as of late.
It is truly insidious and no matter how hard I try; it is inevitable he will pick up on something I have done haphazardly in a drunken state and use it against me (I feel) in another of his lovely and lonely rants. Be well folks.
I'll be honest here when I say that this last relapse has been increasingly hard and unpredictable. My husband is incredibly patient as of late; nothing short of heroic. But I can see that I am draining the life out of him. He is a "morning complainer" so as soon as he awakens, he prefers to get things off his chest. Then he smokes a bowl and settles things out internally. BUT as of late (...clearly during my active drinking) ..he has understandably been exercising extra caution towards me.
I awaken with vomit in places that it doesnt belong. This evening, as I woke from the lack of good sleep, I found him sleeping on the floor peacefully. Its never happened before and shortly after , I realized there was a wet spot at the foot of the bed. Im not sure what it is (**** or vomit). I raced to do a house-check and a clean-up. My threshold for vomiting is excruciatingly low but this time I feel I might have pissed myself. I am thinking of flipping the mattress but I am worried I might wake him out of his sweet slumber. Alcoholism sucks and I'm stuck to it as of late.
It is truly insidious and no matter how hard I try; it is inevitable he will pick up on something I have done haphazardly in a drunken state and use it against me (I feel) in another of his lovely and lonely rants. Be well folks.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by KTB5000 
Family cohesion is certainly more important than ever. I'm still drinking and I find myself pitying my husband the most. He's a front-liner to my addiction yet on days likes this I am worried that he realizes I've lost all control. He has forgiven me for only doing dishes once or twice a week. Hell, he has actually chipped-in and participated when he recognizes that I'm in need of down-time and just cant keep it up.
I'll be honest here when I say that this last relapse has been increasingly hard and unpredictable. My husband is incredibly patient as of late; nothing short of heroic. But I can see that I am draining the life out of him. He is a "morning complainer" so as soon as he awakens, he prefers to get things off his chest. Then he smokes a bowl and settles things out internally. BUT as of late (...clearly during my active drinking) ..he has understandably been exercising extra caution towards me.
I awaken with vomit in places that it doesnt belong. This evening, as I woke from the lack of good sleep, I found him sleeping on the floor peacefully. Its never happened before and shortly after , I realized there was a wet spot at the foot of the bed. Im not sure what it is (**** or vomit). I raced to do a house-check and a clean-up. My threshold for vomiting is excruciatingly low but this time I feel I might have pissed myself. I am thinking of flipping the mattress but I am worried I might wake him out of his sweet slumber. Alcoholism sucks and I'm stuck to it as of late.
It is truly insidious and no matter how hard I try; it is inevitable he will pick up on something I have done haphazardly in a drunken state and use it against me (I feel) in another of his lovely and lonely rants. Be well folks.
I'll be honest here when I say that this last relapse has been increasingly hard and unpredictable. My husband is incredibly patient as of late; nothing short of heroic. But I can see that I am draining the life out of him. He is a "morning complainer" so as soon as he awakens, he prefers to get things off his chest. Then he smokes a bowl and settles things out internally. BUT as of late (...clearly during my active drinking) ..he has understandably been exercising extra caution towards me.
I awaken with vomit in places that it doesnt belong. This evening, as I woke from the lack of good sleep, I found him sleeping on the floor peacefully. Its never happened before and shortly after , I realized there was a wet spot at the foot of the bed. Im not sure what it is (**** or vomit). I raced to do a house-check and a clean-up. My threshold for vomiting is excruciatingly low but this time I feel I might have pissed myself. I am thinking of flipping the mattress but I am worried I might wake him out of his sweet slumber. Alcoholism sucks and I'm stuck to it as of late.
It is truly insidious and no matter how hard I try; it is inevitable he will pick up on something I have done haphazardly in a drunken state and use it against me (I feel) in another of his lovely and lonely rants. Be well folks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Los Angeles, Ca
Posts: 535
"So, I told her I will never clean up after her again and see how that works for a while."
LOL, reminds me of myself. Until I remember the words of Tim Keller: Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.
LOL, reminds me of myself. Until I remember the words of Tim Keller: Friendship is a deep oneness that develops when two people, speaking the truth in love to one another, journey together to the same horizon.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Big hug from me.
Perhpas you can acknowledge that you are quite angry still. I may be wrong but you seem to hold a lot of contempt towards your wife's attitude towards cleaning/tidying up.
There are no real redeeming features in your messages.
Long time sobriety brings its own challenges. The clarity of mind in relation to your long-time suffering partner is one of them. You cannot longer forgive them for everything because you are behaving even worse.
Confinement does not help of course.
Draw your lines. Respect them. Decide what you can and cannot take and try to behave accordingly. If you say you are not cleaning something again, do not do it.
Perhpas you can acknowledge that you are quite angry still. I may be wrong but you seem to hold a lot of contempt towards your wife's attitude towards cleaning/tidying up.
There are no real redeeming features in your messages.
Long time sobriety brings its own challenges. The clarity of mind in relation to your long-time suffering partner is one of them. You cannot longer forgive them for everything because you are behaving even worse.
Confinement does not help of course.
Draw your lines. Respect them. Decide what you can and cannot take and try to behave accordingly. If you say you are not cleaning something again, do not do it.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I'm married to one of those people that overinflated their contributions and minimized mine. We've talked it out and I think he gets it now. I don't get that from D1 at all. It sounds like he does appreciate his wife very much. Sometimes a person just needs to be heard though.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by silentrun
Big hug to you. I remember those days. So very painful to even recall. You do seem to be honest about your situation and you have the ability to communicate with other people. I think that's really going to help you as you work your way out of that hell.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2019
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by silentrun
I'm married to one of those people that overinflated their contributions and minimized mine. We've talked it out and I think he gets it now. I don't get that from D1 at all. It sounds like he does appreciate his wife very much. Sometimes a person just needs to be heard though.
It is entirely possible I am projecting. One of the nastiest faces of my sobriety is the realisation of my own flaws. The worst is how self-centered I am, which manifests in my difficulties to see something through lenses different from my own.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by BackandScared
It is entirely possible I am projecting. One of the nastiest faces of my sobriety is the realisation of my own flaws. The worst is how self-centered I am, which manifests in my difficulties to see something through lenses different from my own.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by KTB5000
Family cohesion is certainly more important than ever. I'm still drinking and I find myself pitying my husband the most. He's a front-liner to my addiction yet on days.......
It is truly insidious and no matter how hard I try; it is inevitable he will pick up on something I have done haphazardly in a drunken state and use it against me (I feel) in another of his lovely and lonely rants. Be well folks.
It is truly insidious and no matter how hard I try; it is inevitable he will pick up on something I have done haphazardly in a drunken state and use it against me (I feel) in another of his lovely and lonely rants. Be well folks.
You may be beyond my level of addiction when i quit forever because of the vomit etc. Maybe your body is different. Maybe you mixed booze with meds? I believe the halflife recovery of meds is longer than booze, but I am no doctor.
I am a graduate of how to get and stay clean for 5 years using no meds and a limited foundation faith and AA. So, I have that credential.
If you know anything about my posts i always preach the science of addiction vs "i don't know why this thing insidiously gets me every time."
It is all about dopamine and getting high on things we are designed to get high on. It has taken me about 3.5 years or so of 99.99% booze free living for things to normalize.
Exercise and sweets were huge.
It is in my blog, right up front so you don't have to read the whole thing.
Love and Thanks.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by BackandScared
Big hug from me.
Perhpas you can acknowledge that you are quite angry still. I may be wrong but you seem to hold a lot of contempt towards your wife's attitude towards cleaning/tidying up.
There are no real redeeming features in your messages.
Long time sobriety brings its own challenges. The clarity of mind in relation to your long-time suffering partner is one of them. You cannot longer forgive them for everything because you are behaving even worse.
Confinement does not help of course.
Draw your lines. Respect them. Decide what you can and cannot take and try to behave accordingly. If you say you are not cleaning something again, do not do it.
Perhpas you can acknowledge that you are quite angry still. I may be wrong but you seem to hold a lot of contempt towards your wife's attitude towards cleaning/tidying up.
There are no real redeeming features in your messages.
Long time sobriety brings its own challenges. The clarity of mind in relation to your long-time suffering partner is one of them. You cannot longer forgive them for everything because you are behaving even worse.
Confinement does not help of course.
Draw your lines. Respect them. Decide what you can and cannot take and try to behave accordingly. If you say you are not cleaning something again, do not do it.
But, i have told her I need her and she showed me how to love. If i lost her, i would be lost. We are a team, even though sometimes i want to run away. I would be lost without my wife. Lost and alone.
The family bond has strengthened during our covid time. Lines have been crossed but avenues of understanding and awareness have been opened and revisted. This type of thinking sets in motion this future.
I don't mind folks calling me out. I get a rush of fight or flight when i get told I am an idiot or whatever. I try to not react, but take it in. If we were all the same, this world would be a boring place.
But, I love folks sticking up for me more though. I love love love love it and you all that do that. Makes me feel very good. Pretty much makes me feel about as good as i can possibly feel when someone give me a virtual hug of support.
Thanks.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
Originally Posted by D122y
There is a thin line between love and hate for sure. Both me and my wife dance back and forth on that line periodically.
But, i have told her I need her and she showed me how to love. If i lost her, i would be lost. We are a team, even though sometimes i want to run away. I would be lost without my wife. Lost and alone.
The family bond has strengthened during our covid time. Lines have been crossed but avenues of understanding and awareness have been opened and revisted. This type of thinking sets in motion this future.
I don't mind folks calling me out. I get a rush of fight or flight when i get told I am an idiot or whatever. I try to not react, but take it in. If we were all the same, this world would be a boring place.
But, I love folks sticking up for me more though. I love love love love it and you all that do that. Makes me feel very good. Pretty much makes me feel about as good as i can possibly feel when someone give me a virtual hug of support.
Thanks.
But, i have told her I need her and she showed me how to love. If i lost her, i would be lost. We are a team, even though sometimes i want to run away. I would be lost without my wife. Lost and alone.
The family bond has strengthened during our covid time. Lines have been crossed but avenues of understanding and awareness have been opened and revisted. This type of thinking sets in motion this future.
I don't mind folks calling me out. I get a rush of fight or flight when i get told I am an idiot or whatever. I try to not react, but take it in. If we were all the same, this world would be a boring place.
But, I love folks sticking up for me more though. I love love love love it and you all that do that. Makes me feel very good. Pretty much makes me feel about as good as i can possibly feel when someone give me a virtual hug of support.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 49
Totally get this from your point of view. My OCD means I want a clean everything and with 4 kids in the house, if my wife leaves a mess, I get frustrated. I clean to toilets, bathroom, more often than not mop the floors, vacuum, do the garden, clean to pool and windows. Here in Australia, we have a lot of Windows. I'm a clean freak. She Was bought up on a farm and doesn't have the same outlook as me
BUT. My wife deals with... the kids in the morning i tend to deal with the eve), the washing, the household bills, my business accounts, when my kids kick off and I give up, when I get pissed off and give up, often the cleaning of the cars, changing bed linen etc.
I often let anxiety allow me to think I do more. When In reality, she does a lot. Without sounding arrogant, I earn the money and support us, but she picks up the pieces I create unwillingly in the process in so many ways other the cleaning. Just about thibking outside of our own selfish sometimes, maybe.
Not saying this relates to you, but possibly.
BUT. My wife deals with... the kids in the morning i tend to deal with the eve), the washing, the household bills, my business accounts, when my kids kick off and I give up, when I get pissed off and give up, often the cleaning of the cars, changing bed linen etc.
I often let anxiety allow me to think I do more. When In reality, she does a lot. Without sounding arrogant, I earn the money and support us, but she picks up the pieces I create unwillingly in the process in so many ways other the cleaning. Just about thibking outside of our own selfish sometimes, maybe.
Not saying this relates to you, but possibly.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Lines
If you've been the one to clean 80% of the time for the last 20 years then I'd say you may be cleaning for the next 20. Maybe it would help to balance it out mentally if you can think of some household duties your wife does 80% to your 20%. Actual cooking. Laundry. Grocery shopping, vacuuming, feeding the dog?
I know my wife likes it when I talk to her about how I'm feeling, and also ask how she is feeling about things. Which means listening . We solve most issues this way. As a general rule in our house (and we were both basically raised by our parents this way): The kitchen is to be spotless at the end of the night. The dishwasher is usually the last thing to be turned on.
As a last resort to improve your love life. You may need to go full butler attire and attend to all her needs.
I know my wife likes it when I talk to her about how I'm feeling, and also ask how she is feeling about things. Which means listening . We solve most issues this way. As a general rule in our house (and we were both basically raised by our parents this way): The kitchen is to be spotless at the end of the night. The dishwasher is usually the last thing to be turned on.
As a last resort to improve your love life. You may need to go full butler attire and attend to all her needs.
thank you for reaching out, you are in the exact same situation as my bf however you live with your mrs, he is 4 hours away and I haven’t seen him for 5 weeks no since he became sober and stopped cocaine. What really helps if what your going through. He used to binge drink and drugs once per week. He’s is a very successful businessman and is going through a divorce to which he has a child with. I’m assuming he’s just hit rock bottom and this is the reason he wanted to change. He’s asked for space as he doesn’t know how he’s feeling about us and been hot and cold since (only over text) he said he can’t hear me upset on the phone as it’ll break his heart. I’m assuming he is that focused he doesn’t want any more adverse on his road to recovery maybe? It’s crazy not knowing what’s going through his head. He texted last week out of the blue saying just to let you now I am 30 days sober which was lovely to hear from him.
I’m still hopeful of the relationship it’s the only things that keeps me going. I know he thinks the world of me but I also know he wants to go through this on his own and currently feeling numb. Does this sound familiar to you at all? Will some day’s be harder than others?
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