comtnman740

Hey guys,
This has been off and on for years. Unfortunately i received a text from my mother this morning that made me to decide to keep myself at a distance. My parents have been divorced for coming up on 40 years and my mothers text was basically asking me the whereabouts of my father. I know that whatever she is up to is not good knowing how she feels about my father. I've decided to take another break. It breaks my heart but obviously she has no interest in getting the help she needs so i need to keep some distance. I do plan on sending a card for Easter because i feel like that is something i'm comfortable doing. Would love to hear other peoples thoughts with abusive parents.
Thanks!
Garrison

ulfr

i stopped contact with my mother for the last 3 years she toxic and abusive best thing i ever did

Wastinglife

My mother was alcoholic. Exiled me when I told her so. Saw her about 3 times for lunch over last 7 years of her life. She didn't even let me know she was dying. I found out when she was already in coma at the hospital. I think she may have been a sociopath.

nez

I have basically gone no contact with a button pushing sister. I can not help her and enabling her, helps neither one of us. It saddens me, but at least one of us is working on becoming a better person and that is better than neither one of us doing that.

Teetotaler56

After our parents passed away, I broke all ties with my sister. Sometimes you have to let go of toxic people. It's the best move I ever made. I can imagine breaking ties with your mom may be a lot harder than breaking ties with a sibling. I suggest that you decide which will give you more peace, contact or no contact. Do what you have to do for your own protection and sanity.

comtnman740

Thanks for all of the feedback guys. Honestly as much as it really bums me out i think at this point the thing that is best for my sobriety is to remain at a distant from my mother. She is a manipulative person and gaslights every now and then. I thought about what she would possibly might want from my father. What are the chances that she would want to contact him to try and make amends? Slim to none..go after him for back child support..maybe. Either way that is all out of my control. What is in my control is who i decide to let into my life. Thanks everyone!
Garrison

Anna

We can do hard things, Garrison. What you're doing is difficult, but you know it's the best thing for you.

Wastinglife

I know all about being gaslighted. I've been dealing with gaslighting for years. Never works on me though and keep doing what I'm doing People are just weird. Don't know why waste their time like that.

Teetotaler56

I'm glad you came to a decision that will give you peace, even though it's hard. Sometimes we simply have to do what's best for us.

FlyAgain

ulfr

here for you if you ever need to talk my friend

Delilah1

I’ve had to do the same thing with my brother. Since my mom died I have talked to him rarely. I used to have to answer the phone, but now I can choose not to do that. He’s an addict, and usually calls to complain about the world wronging him. I love him, and hope he gets it together, but distance is the best thing for me.

Misssy2

Good decision.
My Dad was on Hospice and I decided to contact my Mother to give her a chance to come say goodbye...Some people never change...and never will....she never came to say goodbye...only came to mess with all our funeral plans as she was still "married" but left him after 55 years cause he had dementia.

He died...in March....and to me...she died the same the day.

silentrun

Thank you for starting this thread. I swear, no matter what I'm dealing with a thread will pop up like magic to help me out.

I was raised in a high control religious group. I left at 19 and endured 27 years of listening to my mom talk about the religion, how I would die if I didn't come back, how my daughter would die, all of that stuff. When I was 46 she decides to shun me. Shunning means no contact, we are considered dead. It was a blow like it was intended to be. I tried to offer compromise and was met with either silence or more religious stuff. It took me two full years to work through all the feelings.

So now, years later she decides that she is allowed to contact me with more religious stuff. She calls the shots. We just experienced a traumatic loss so I'm sure she is striking while the iron is hot. I've told her I don't agree with her religious beliefs and would not be returning. She can't take no for an answer.

So I blocked her. The stress of having to try and be understanding, be patient, and mostly feel sorry for her is just too much for me to deal with right now. I don't have to so I won't. When I was going through the healing from her abuse I told myself I just had to get through this one last time (the shunning) and I would never allow her to hurt me again.

Dealing with the recent loss I have has really put things in perspective for me. Life really is too short to let people mess with your head.

Teetotaler56

Silentrun, I'm so sorry. I don't know if you have Hulu, but Leah Remini had an episode on her Scientology show that is titled, "The Jehovah's Witnesses". It is the first of Season 3. You may find that one interesting, and possibly helpful, knowing you're not alone. I think the practice of shunning is horrible. I'm glad you got out of whatever religion it was that your mother is part of. So sad.

thomas11

I went no contact as well recently. Sucks because my dad was admitted to the hospital yesterday and its pretty serious, can't call my Mom. Won't call my mom.

This time it was a mutual no contact, my parents said they did not want to hear from me.

PeacefulWater12

I went no contact with my mum too. Best thing I ever did.

No contact = no new hurts.

As I have read a very wise person on here say.

Teetotaler56

This is so true, which is precisely why I broke contact with my sister. As much as I love and miss our parents, I can't deny that for years I looked forward to the day when I could break ties with her. After our parents passed, separating myself from her was the best gift I ever gave myself.

It took a long time, but I've finally forgiven her for all the things she's done and said. There are times I remember stuff and have to forgive again. Not so much these days, thankfully. I feel like I've finally learned to let it go, as much as one can. I really do hope the best for her, but I can't and will never let her back in again.

To those of you just letting go, it does get easier with time. It's hard at first. You mourn the relationship you wish you could have had and realize will never be. But when you get rid of a toxic person in your life, life quickly becomes more peaceful. It still takes a while to get over the hurt. But time really does heal old wounds.

comtnman740

Thanks for everyone's perspective. I can relate to anyone on here holding on to a relationship because you think someday things might change. When my mother texted me that she wanted the contact info for my father who she divorced almost 40 years ago i said enough was enough.
Hope everyone has a great day!

nez

If mom can text, mom can google. ;~)