Misssy2

Been drinking all week 6 days...I KNOW I have to stop I am physically ill...I have not eaten in this 6 days....just drink, drink, drink.

My son comes home everyday and the first thing he does is check if I am still alive.

I have some wine and beer (not much) I would have to drive to get more...But I feel like garbage...knowing if I took a drink it would all go away (for now)….

Also knowing if I don't take a drink and push thru it...I will feel better in a couple of days....

But the pull to get rid of this feeling right now is very very strong...
I don't even feel like I can make myself a can of potatos which I have been craving...I'm too weak physically to walk room to room.

But if I get up and pour a glass of wine or beer....I will be somewhat functional for the day....I would be able to clean up the kitchen...make those pototes (or so I say I would make potatoes)..The real facts are I would start to drink...and then start to get dressed to get more alcohol...and come home and do the same thing I have been doing...drink and sit in this chair..

I'm scared I'm going to give in....I'm typing this because I know others have been where I am or might be where I am and I feel alone.

ShiftHappens

The way you feel now is what I went through the last time I binged.

I KNEW it was time for drastic measures.

Went to my doc, got anti D's (not saying you should) because I needed that ******** merry go round to stop.

It was awful and I never want to go through that again.

Another one, and then another....it will never stop

Can you get some medical intervention to help you get through this?

Anna

Missy, you shouldn't be going out for anything that isn't absolutely essential, and alcohol is not essential.

That said, you can stop this spiral right now, today. Get rid of the alcohol you have in the house, and try to eat something. It will make you feel better. You can do this!

Misssy2

Hi shift...I have the medication to get me thru this...but the way I feel I would rather take a drink and feel better as it is "instant" the medication just takes an edge off but not like the drink does....but it is a merry go round...I know if I drink that tomorrow I will be facing the same decision (to drink or not to drink).

It is 11am here and in this past 6 days I was already drinking at 7 or 8 am....so I'm thinking I need to push thru this....but its really f'ing hard...really hard.

I have had days in the past where I woke up and was more easily able to handle it...today doesn't feel like one of those days. I am trying...I am drinking liquids...and praying that I don't do it...and then by the time I hit send on this message I could very easily say screw it and go have that drink

Misssy2

Anna, I disagree that alcohol isn't essential when you are in the middle of a binge. Seems the Fed Gov thinks it is essential to keep the liquor stores open also for people that have alcohol addictions because they don't want "us" in the hospital....

The will not be closing the liquor stores in our area because they have been deemed essential for health reasons .

Abraham

Make some food and drink some water. Dont go out and drink. Sleep it off if you have to. Hell, slam a beer if you have to but dont buy more and dont get drunk. You need to get sober. Thats a horrible life that you must end.

Gettingcloser

That is such a difficult situation you are in and one I have been in as well. I would drink in the morning just to get started and just like you would end up sitting in a chair and watching TV for the rest of the day. It takes work to get up and break that cycle but so many of is here have done it and you can do it too.
I am almost two years sober now and I have all my ambition back that I lost.
I had to bite the bullet one day and just get started. It is not easy but sooooo rewarding!!!!

Misssy2

Abraham, If I drink a beer...I'm going to continue to drink all day because all of a sudden it becomes like it isn't such a bad thing....then I convince myself that millions around the world are also doing this during this COVID time...and that it is ok.

An alcoholic like me has a very irrational mind....i'm either going to drink or I'm not going to drink....I hope I am not.

Misssy2

Gettingcloser...its not easy.
My Dad died on March 1st...I had been struggling with drinking again on and off when I was taking care of him and have been hospitalized many times....

It seems when he died...it was like I was "free" to do what I wanted and I went directly to alcohol....I know how good it feels to be sober and wake up refreshed to a new day....Now I wake up with DREAD of what I am going to do myself and what I have done to myself....

I keep convincing myself that the wine is not as bad as the beer....maybe because the beer cans aren't accumulating all over the f'ing house it doesn't look SO BAD....but its bad...I know I'm fooling myself.

ShiftHappens

You just have benzos to detox, or has your doctor recommended any anti d's?

I know EXACTLY what you're going through. EXACTLY.

Dont beat yourself up if you have one or two to wean off, BUT begin thinking here of letting go of this crap because its NEVER, EVER going to work for you again.

You will always end up in hell.

For me the anti d's made all the difference.

I have NO desire for alcohol, and I was right in the mess you're in.

You CAN quit for good

Misssy2

shift I have benzos and I have Gabapentin...I never realized how MUCH Gabapentin really helped me with detox until a couple of months ago....I don't know why but it does help...So I took one at 530am....with a benzo...hoping to wake up and feel "ready" to tackle this addiction.

I have succeeded in the past before with this method the Ativan and Gabapentin...so I took more at 730 and went back to sleep....

But got up at 10...and feel like maybe since I started at 7am yesterday I had too too much and my body needs one more day of a little less and I will be able to do it tomorrow.

I am sick of scaring my son...and would love for him to walk in and for me to be able to say NOPE didn't drink today....but I feel like that is not going to happen.

Abraham

Well in that case dont drink a beer. I've been there. I finally decided to just not drink anymore. Yes it was tough but I welcomed the challenge. I did not want to be a drinker. You can make the same choice. I know it seems impossible but you know it aint.

Abraham

I did the same thing for decades. Then I quit in the middle of it. Still sitting here now watching tv and on the computer, BUT I aint drinking and have not in almost 10 months. It is SO rewarding. Glad its over with. Just dont do it. No one is forcing alcohol down your throat. Go through the 3-7 days and be free of that bs.

Misssy2

I have had days where it did not seem impossible to quit and I have done it for long periods of time...one time 10 months....and from 2005-2014 I did not drink....but his last 5 years....I keep binging...and most binges I get to a point and say OK DONE.

I said it last night...Done...but woke up this morning and it FEELS IMPOSSIBLE....I just put the 2 beers I have in the fridge....there are 3 beers that a girl left here that was living here...and in my bottle of wine there are like 3 drinks...

I hate myself right now...I did get up and do some dishes that my son left behind and did take "old" stuff out of fridge...the chicken parm looked good that I made the other day when I was really drunk....and my stomach is growling but to be honest...I told myself....ok drink what you have and then eat the can of potatoes...it seems the only promise I may be able to keep to myself today is to eat those potatoes..

I am drinking water and Gatorade right now...hoping for my head to get some clarity..but as you can tell from what I write I am slipping.

Misssy2

It feels good to me that I typed on here and told on myself...that I feel like **** and I also am so mad at myself....but that you are all here doing it...and supportive...and that I can do it to....I just don't think it is going to be today as much as my MIND and BODY want it to be today....I don't feel well and I hate withdrawals I am feeling...not that I hate them....I CANT DEAL WITH THEM.

ShiftHappens

Benzos and gaba can get you through another binge detox, but I went through it, and then I went through it again, so I knew I needed more help to manage the compulsions FOR GOOD.

Alcohol is not an option for me. Ever.

I lost William (my Maltese, love of my life) and I thank God I was sober and had my wits about me.

Get through this and think of your options for preventing a meltdown in the future.

Hawkeye13

I think it is good you are worried about scaring your son because it means you are thinking "past" your addiction and about other people's needs. We get so focused on ourselves in a binge. I know I did.

A pandemic is pretty scary and having "all hands on deck" would be a comfort to both him and you.

I have absolutely been exactly where you are and I feel empathy for that feeling which is huge to keep drinking and push back the pain a bit further.
But in the end, you will have to stop at some point and it will be that much worse.

Please try to take steps to quit now. To eat, have a shower, and just do the next right thing baby step by baby step.

Dee74

Hi Missy

I'm sorry you've been drinking.

Your addiction is lying to you - it's telling you that you can't function without alcohol.

You can put paid to that lie - go back and look at old posts, look at the times you've been sober.

That is the real Misssy.

You can be there again. You do not need alcohol to survive.

Detox is not doing to be fun but you've done that before too.
If you think you need it, bring in a medicos opinion.

I know these are strange and frightening days but for me they'd be ten times more strange and frightening if I was drinking.

The only way I can keep it together is to stay sober.

As for driving, Anna's 100% correct - alcohol is not essential.

I don't care how many liquor stores are open or that they been deemed essential- thats an AV driven argument - alcohol means pain misery and death to folks like us.

Driving when you been drinking is dangerous not only to you but perhaps others too.

I know you as a caring thoughtful person. The kind who would not endanger others.

I can;t imagine being your son right now either - heart in his mouth every time he comes home.

Get some help Missy. The world needs more Missys right now

D

thomas11

Misssy2, we all have to pay the piper or face the music sooner or later. We can't stay drunk every day all day. It will kills us. WHen you choose to do that, I'm here to support you. The sooner the better. You have meds....many of us did not have that luxury.

thomas11

Double post.