luvnsunshine

Hello- I am looking for some suggestions, opinions and advice. I was in a 4 year relationship until recently- In the beginning of the relationship it started with weekend drinking, then I noticed it was every weekend to the point of passing out. I realized this was an issue and even though it was fun for the first couple dates, I knew this was a problem as I witnessed him drink an entire bottle of vodka and was delirious. I told him the next day how disappointed and scared I was and did not want this kind of life. He chose to go to AA . He went a month or so and then the fun guy became more quiet almost like we were strangers. It seemed like as long as he was around me, he did not drink. He went almost a year without drinking ( that I knew of). I went out of town and the very first night - he msgd me accusing me of outlandish things. I knew he was drunk. When I came back he looked like a mess, he obviously drank for a few days straight. He went back to AA after I got home. Again, he did well- however, it was like he did not know how to hold a conversation or function ( he is 47). He could not take initiative on anything and he became more withdrawn. He was now on xanax. I had to go out of town for a funeral last year. He stayed home with the dogs- During this time, I did not hear from him- he would respond to a txt here and there, yes he went back to drinking again. Always when I am not around. So, this led to resentments, as I don't want to be he is prison guard and I hated that I had to fear that I could not leave w/out worrying he would drink. We had a argument over something minor back in January- he decided to leave and go to his Mom's for the weekend or so he said. He took some of his things, left most here and has not come back since then, 3 months ago. During this time, I heard from him the first week -it seemed like he just wanted to argue w/me- then he went silent for several weeks- then said he wanted to meet and talk . We met for dinner and it went well. Then he went to the Dr and I believe he got pain meds and I was ghosted for a month. I got a random txt recently saying things are touching him and he is seeing ghosts. I know he has managed to put himself back in that dark hole he was in before, and in such a short time. I asked him if he needed to go to AA and he said yes, he did not deny drinking - he did excuse it, saying he was self medicating because his back hurt. He also informed me I had not heard from him because he was "resting his back." He says he is going to go to AA, I gave him a link for online meetings a few days ago, he thanked me. I told him I hope he goes like he said he would. Now I am back to being ghosted again. I have tried to msg him twice in the last two days and no response, yet I can see he checked the msg. I know he has to want to change and do the work, but what do you do when you know they drink so heavy they can die? I feel all twisted inside. I am guessing he isnt ready to give up the alcohol, and that he is leaving his things here so he has a reason to eventually contact me. Any suggestions? Or do I just ride this out ? Good guy when he is sober- I just don't think he knows how to live sober and have Goals and handle responsibilities. He was never married and has no kids. Nobody pays attention to what he does at his Mom's. Do I need to learn to let go? or keep checking in on him?

HeadEast

I wouldn't ride it out. Find someone new.

nez

He keeps going back to alcohol although he knows it is not working for him.
You keep going back to him although you know it is not working for you.
I kept going back to alcohol thinking I could change my relationship with it. It never did. I went no contact for my health and sanity.

FeelingGreat

Hi, you'll find a forum on this board called Friends and Family of Alcoholics where you will meet many people who have been though the ups and downs of having an A for a partner. I suggest you post there.

Your A seems to have made the decision for you about your relationship, all you have to do is open your ears and accept it.

Full acceptance would mean packing up his stuff and either asking him to come and get it, or delivering it to him mother's place if not too inconvenient. Block him on all forms of social media or you'll just get sucked into his dramas again.

You're probably not the first woman who's gone through his dramas, and I'm not surprised he's in his 40s and unmarried. He may be the type who just can't get too close.

I know it's hurtful but if you can get through the worst bit you'll be very glad you moved along.

luvnsunshine

Thank you all for such quick responses. I appreciate your advice and opinions. I feel like FeelingGreat is correct and my AXBF made the decision about our relationship already.

DriGuy

As a rule of thumb for myself only, I would avoid being involved with an alcoholic. Even an alcoholic in recovery sends up a red flag for me. I don't want to fill my life with someone else's problems. It's hard enough being involved with a normal person.

Cityboy

Sounds like his behavior patterns are not going to change any time soon, no matter what you do.

Anna

Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.

I think you know that it's best for you to step away. Your boyfriend has to make a decision as to whether he wants to get sober or not. You need to take care of yourself and move on. You might check out AlAnon in your city as a support for you.

RecklessDrunk

Life is too short to wait months at a time for somebody to figure things out. I'd start looking for somebody else, if he doesn't have his act together and you're taken that's his fault. You have to look out for you, he sure isn't.

least

It seems he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If it were me, I would accept that he's not partner material and move on with my life. A relationship can't thrive if only one of the partners wants to keep it going.

I also recommend you check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum for insight from people who have gone thru this situation.