Lucinda2

Hi Sasha,
I have no real answers but I can categorically identify. I replay things over and over. The self-hatred and guilt are like a screaming in my head . I am a terrible workaholic because I cannot bear to sit with me - I also exercise a lot for the same reason. I project an old age where I am too infirm to use my coping mechanisms and I simply rip my mind to shreds.

I decided that 15 years of torturing myself was enough so I started counselling this year. I only did 2 months as that was as much as I could handle and the perception shift was only tiny, so minuscule. But it was still a shift so I think that maybe I will revisit this again when we are out of the other side of distancing. Maybe that is the way I will do it, in bits here and there.


In the meantime, I listen to audiobooks through in-ear headphones at night. That helps me with the relentless replay. I am currently listening to a beautiful reading of Alice in Wonderland by Sir John Gielgud. His voice has such a wonderful timbre and the diction of a bygone age, it really helps me to focus on not just the story but each inflexion of his voice. I don't buy the audiobooks - I use YouTube as my source.

I am also in the UK, what wonderful weather we have had this Easter! It certainly seems to help to not have cold bones.

Warm wishes
Lucinda

Gottalife

There is no book that will fix this if all you do is just read it. I relate to your problem. I had terrible memories that kept me awake at night even after a good sober day. The problem disappeared only after I took the action suggested in the book you have read 8 times.

"These memories are a nightmare" "We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world". A couple of snapshots from page 73.

Tetrax

I ordered The Power of Now. I'm really trying to work on living in the moment.

Sasha4

I still wake up every morning bristling with shame and humiliation.

I am just sick of waking up and facing the day with my thoughts.
I can't get away from me.

When I say nothing works, I do feel desperate.

Why do I have this picture perfect memory that reminds me all the time of the bad things? Never the good. Just the bad.

Tetrax

Hey Sasha, it sounds to me like you have obsessive tendencies which may or may not be related to OCD (and/or another anxiety disorder) but I think you should get yourself assessed as soon as you can, if you haven't been in the past.

someday147

Sorry to hear what you are going through Sasha 8 years is a long time sober to be going through that. I also have an excellent memory which rarely if ever produces a good one.

As for books The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle and Inner Engineering by Sadhguru would be my picks. I have had a lot of success with both including having an entire day recently with a clear gap between the mind and 'myself' which was both a really strange and incredible experience. Sadhguru has also been live each day for a short time from 1.30pm uk time on youtube for anyone interested.

All the best Sasha my thoughts are with you.

Cityboy

Sasha, I've had my share of these types of feelings to deal with, some of which I will never reconcile. Since I quit drinking in January, I've at least processed the degree to which they affect me.

I can't help but wonder if there are factors in your life that keep you trapped with these feelings. Maybe a move to a different part of your town, or a different town completely would be in order. Maybe a change of jobs. Maybe sign up to take a night class or something. Just something different may help.

Sober369

I have gotten so much out of "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. If I mention it one more time, people are going to think I'm getting a kickback or something. But, really, it helps so much with exactly what you're talking about.
Oprah Winfrey and he did a video (several really) about his next book "A New Earth" which is also really good. The video is on Youtube, very interesting, you might want to check it out.
Until then, love yourself like no one else will!

Gottalife

How was your experience with step 5 Sasha?

BeABetterMan

BeckoningCat

I am not a medical professional, and I am not giving you medical advise, as a disclaimer. BUT...I don't think there's a book that helps with this. I would gently suggest that perhaps you consider talking to a counselor about this. Obsessive self-hatred or shame is common in people suffering from depression, anxiety, or obsessive compulsive disorder. I am not saying you have a particular condition, but if you feel this desperate and you constantly think on bad things non-stop, I feel like there is someone out there qualified to help you that would be better than a book.

In the meantime, I would suggest guided meditations that a have a theme like love, acceptance, or peace.

I listened to a workshop from this woman on calm.com. She said back when she was in college she went on a camping trip, and one of the women with her said she was learning to be her own best friend. This apparently baffled and terrified this lady because she judged herself so harshly. She now has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, but also uses Eastern philosophy, thus the guided meditations which she offers entirely for free.

https://www.tarabrach.com/guided-meditations/

Sober369

This has been a great thread. So many good books. I'm going to pick one and order it.
I hope you're feeling better Sasha. I was tormented by my mind, too. But, not to the extent you are. I agree with Beckoningcat, you may really be helped by a doctor or counselor. Can you call a doctor and lay it all out and also ask him to recommend a really good counselor? They are still working, but via telephone and skype, etc.
I am praying for you. We all have done ridiculously stupid things, even sober people do that. You deserve love and compassion and joy.

BigShoe

A great author is Cheri Huber and she has many books and podcasts and retreats. A great book to start is There is Nothing Wrong with You.

I picked up the Illusions by Richard Bach that Dee recommended free off the national archive site that was mentioned by another user. Excited to read it as was a huge fan of his Jonathan Livingston Seagull book I read ages ago.